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Enablers
After it’s been raining heavily it turned out we have a leak in the kitchen. Mum replaced all the roof, including beams a few years ago but there was a big hailstorm this spring that did some damage and that never got fixed. This morning brother seemed quite concerned about the leak. I don’t want…
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Am I a bad daughter?
I have the impression that, according to society expectations, or at least how it looks in Poland, loving an elderly parent means protecting them from reality but what I was doing instead was trying to get my mum to face it. So for example, as a loving daughter, I should be regularly sending money to my…
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Immaturity
I did hear that autistic people are immature and I wonder sometimes what that actually means. If I wasn’t autistic, would I deal any better with this situation? Would I not be fed up? Would I not believe that money should be spent on home improvement rather than putting elderly relatives into care homes? Especially…
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I think I’m depressed
I didn’t even properly leave the bed. Only went to the kitchen for breakfast and lunch. I’m in some kind of half asleep state and I have no hope. But I don’t even know what the hope could be for. There’s nothing waiting for me in this life, I don’t think so. I don’t even…
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It’s hard to imagine, I know
It is said that people with Asperger’s can’t imagine how others are feeling and what to say to make them feel better. But then, it was my neurotypical colleague who used to say that the problems that I have with my mum are not real problems, because her mum had Alzheimer’s and taking care of…
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Waiting for miracle
I spent another couple of hours in bed just wishing for things to be different. And I don’t even mean perfect, I am fully aware that my family is far from normal and perfect is too much to aim for. I just want them to be a bit better than they are now. First of…
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Walk to the lake
I had a walk to the lake and got an ice cream there. It was rather chilly when I was leaving the house and then suddenly got quite hot. That’s what we used to do with mum when I was at home for the weekend and the weather was nice: having a walk to the…
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Hindsight
I sometimes think I didn’t deal with my mum very well when she was staying with me. Possibly I should have asked the doctor for some antidepressants for her, but I didn’t really know how to direct the attention to her mental health. She has some issues with medication, almost everything seems to make her…
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On the way back from Łódź
So I saw The Friend today. It did help a bit, both talking to her but also being away. I still feel overwhelmed by the fact that I have to make all the decisions myself. Obviously I spoke with The Friend but she cannot tell me what to do. It almost feels to me that…
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Hip replacement?
On my way back from town, just several meters away from the house I found my brother laying on the side of the road. He claimed he can’t get up because of his bad hip but when me and a neighbour helped him, he was able to eventually stand straight and walk independently. Very strange.…
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Autistic and me 