I didn’t even properly leave the bed. Only went to the kitchen for breakfast and lunch. I’m in some kind of half asleep state and I have no hope. But I don’t even know what the hope could be for. There’s nothing waiting for me in this life, I don’t think so.

I don’t even want to email The Boyfriend, it seems like I moaned enough to him already.

When mum first came back home after the stay with me, she told me that my brother got better. I wonder if she really believed it.

The truth is, everything around him is so hopeless. You can see his life is all falling apart. And I look at this and can’t do anything, he believes he’s one level above everyone else.

Even if he suddenly decided to sober up, his current mates would laugh at him and it takes time to make new, sensible friends. He’d need to demonstrate that he’s sorted. That means if he wants to be sober he’d be all by himself and he’s not going to make it.

Every time when I was like that, immobile, on the edge of depression, my mum would come to talk to me and try to get me to see things from a different perspective. Now I’m all by myself.