I spent another couple of hours in bed just wishing for things to be different. And I don’t even mean perfect, I am fully aware that my family is far from normal and perfect is too much to aim for. I just want them to be a bit better than they are now.

First of all I’d like my brother to behave himself a bit more, like he used to when my dad was still alive. Although I do remember how I was told that he passed out in front of the shop one day, that was exactly the next day after I came home during my first psychotic episode.

Someone then called for an ambulance for my brother and then called my mum to tell her.

My mum then asked me to call the hospital and ask for my brother and I could barely understand what’s happening.

During the night, when alcohol left his system and my brother felt better, he run off the hospital. I thought my mum was joking, now I know she wasn’t.

He walked all the way home, and it’s like 10km, partially through a forest.

So my mum had me, in psychosis, my brother who was drinking and my dad who didn’t even know what’s happening around him and once in a while had to start a big row. No wonder she had to take clonazepan. I wish she was at least happier towards the end of her life, but I can’t do anything about it.

Weather is not great today, not best for fete, so at least I won’t feel bad if I do not go.

If mum was home, we would be cooking dinner together. It would probably be chicken legs in gravy, potatoes and Polish style coleslaw or shredded beetroot.

I so much don’t want what’s happening now.