Category: Uncategorized

Am I on monitoring?

That was my general impression when I went to Poland during my first psychotic episode in 2017. There were things happening to me that were really strange but made me feel safe – which is exactly the opposite of patients experience during psychosis. I could talk about it for a bit but to make long story short I’ll just give you one example and we can always come back to it later.

My flight was on 7th of September and a few days later I went to town with mum, so possibly it was like 12th? I was still psychotic. I used to have a saving bank account there, one without a card so if I wanted to check my balance or withdraw money I had to go to the bank. So on that day I went to that bank with mum and I remembered how much money I should have, which wasn’t loads but would let me live there for good couple of weeks.

The bank clerk wrote something on a piece of paper and gave it to me. I had a look and it stated 23.09 which would be around 5 pounds, much less that I was expecting. But I didn’t freak out as I got that idea that the bank is giving me deadline. I had to do something by 23rd. I just didn’t know what the deadline is for. I felt that I had to work it out. I said thank you and walked away.

There were things happening after that too. I remember that strange meeting in the council where staff involved was behaving so out of character that I knew, even though I was psychotic, that wasn’t normal. There were loads of things… oh well, I was meant to just say one. But I’ll give you a couple more. When I was trying to book my ticket, in the morning on the 7th of September, neither Ryanair no EasyJet website let me do it but they both had the same error. That was really strange. So I went to Polish Airlines Lot website and again, I couldn’t buy any other ticket but only premium economy flight to Warsaw. Warsaw is their closest airport to my family home but I used to travel to places further away before, stay there for a bit and then go home on a bus or train. That’s what I wanted to do on that day as well but the website didn’t give me any other options. It was like if someone predicted what I may want to do and knew I’m about to start hallucinating so they wanted to send me straight home.

As I said there was more of these things. Anyway, let’s go back to my bank balance. I was thinking for a few days about what the bank wants me to do and finally, while still somehow psychotic, I came up with that explanation: the bank wants me to go to psychiatrist because what’s happening to me is not normal. I then started pursuing my mum to take me there.

As I started recovering those things stopped happening but I couldn’t shake off the feeling that it happened for real. I know that people in psychosis have those ideas that they’re being monitored but they find it frightening. I found it supportive and helpful. I then came up with explanation that after I started complaining to my diagnostician, Oriana Morrison-Clarke, about my situation in Home Group, she put me on safeguarding and was monitoring me. Anyway, as I recovered I stopped thinking about it and accepted it must have been all in my head. I mean the airlines websites didn’t work properly due to unrelated issues, the staff from my bank made an error and the people in the council were behaving strangely because they saw I was being strange.

But now, for a little bit already, probably less than a year, I have the same impression, although not so intensified. For example my psychiatric nurse has such a strange first name and a surname that it sounds to me like it’s been made up. Why? So that if I go to see her or call and ask receptionist about her, everyone knows that it’s that lady who’s being monitored. Last year I was in touch with a guy from my mental health partnership trust and I asked him about it. I mean, I was sure he won’t tell me the truth if that’s the case but I wanted to observe his reaction. At first he said in his email that he doesn’t know my nurse and later on he wrote ‘I can confirm that FirstName Surname is on her birth certificate’. So he didn’t know her, yet he knew what was on her birth certificate? Does that make any sense? It felt like he was saying no but hinting yes. Which is probably what neurotyoical people do in a conversation where they can’t say things directly.

And now, what happened was, I received 3 separate emails from my mum’s care home with invoces for her meds. And every email contained the same sentence ‘invoices to pay for things that were being brought to her before she passed away’. So that means she was sick. But the staff yesterday said that she passed away peacefully? But they also said that she ate her supper as normal at 6pm and died around half an hour later. But when they called me it was like 6.03pm in Poland. So it was like they were hinting that it happened earlier.

And now those three emails. Things were being brought to mum before she passed away so that means she was sick. No one writes three emails with the same content, that’s not normal. And yet they are there. One email would mean mum was ill. Two she was quite ill. Three means she was really ill. That’s how I understand it.

The last couple of days I felt really strange. I was in some kind of trance that I thought happened because I was focusing on writing posts about sexuality, but at times I almost felt like I was being haunted. Like if someone was calling me from far away. Who knows, maybe it was my mum, wanting to spend her last days with me by her side? How do we know it’s not possible? Maybe the fact that I had two psychotic episodes made me more open for those signals? That feeling went away yesterday around lunchtime I think.

It’s so strange now that I have to deal with everything by myself. My brother is there but he won’t do anything. At first I wanted to arrange funeral as soon as possible, now I want things to drag. What will be tomorrow I have no idea.

‘Everyone does that’

I was writing this post when I received the phone call from my mum’s care home. I then left it but then I thought, I may as well finish it and grieve afterwards.

This one will be about the fact that creating society where having sex early is considered normal is not really that good. Not even for men. Obviously blaming women for expressing their sexuality freely is not good and I’m sure loads of women find way to make that freedom work for them, but for us, autistic females, it may not really work as it’s confusing.

If a guy doesn’t understand something in a woman behaviour, his default explanation will be that she’s doing that to manipulate him into a relationship. The exception is probably only when a woman plays ‘hot and cold’ which may be caused by the fact that she didn’t fully processed her feelings for the man and the man then thinks she is just playing games for the sake of it.

Now imagine that you live in a society that tells women not to have sex early in a relationship because man will not respect them. And imagine that a particular woman decides to seduce a man on a first date, or maybe even before an actual date and she enjoys it. What will that man think? Will he think that she is doing that because she wants to find a husband? No, that wouldn’t make any sense. If she wanted to find a husband, she would refrain from sex for quite a bit. So the guy will think she must be an independent and confident woman with high sex drive and she chose him because she fancied him. It is then up to him to decide what he is thinking about her choice and if he wants to meet her again (she’s probably not that bothered) but at least he gets an ego boost.

Also the woman, if she went against the rules, must have known what she was doing. So she felt in control.

And now imagine that the same behaviour happens in a society where casual sex is considered completely normal. Still, everyone knows that women experience their sexuality differently than men do. That possibly women don’t have orgasm every time they have sex and especially not when they have sex the first time with a particular man. Well, possibly that doesn’t apply to every woman, but I’m pretty sure to most of them. So by having sex early, the same way that you’d have coffee with him, you confuse him. He doesn’t know why you are doing it and if you fancy him or not.

If having sex early is against the rules and man seduces you then at least he thinks you gave in because you felt powerful desire. If you give in in a society where having sex early is absolutely ok and then you don’t enjoy it that much, you confuse him. Men don’t understand the fact that possibly a friend told you it’s normal so you want to try and then, when you’re already naked, you realised you don’t really feel like it but you don’t want to look stupid so you let him go ahead with it just to be polite.

Yet, at the same time, when we’re already in a relationship, we tell our men that they need to control their desires because wanting to have sex when you have a headache is disrespectful towards you. How is this disrespectful? Come on, sex can actually cure headache! I mean, use common sense, if you just came back from A&E after an accident and he insists to have sex then he’s an idiot, get rid of him. However, in most circumstances we should not deprive our men sex. Why do we see it as a problem?

Men don’t see their sexuality as a problem, they see it as a gift and they want to meet a woman who will see it the same way. But then, in a society where everyone does casual sex, or at least that’s what we’re told, the fact that woman gave in means nothing to a man. I mean he may enjoy it on a physical level but he has no emotional satisfaction, no ego boost out of it.

We are constantly being told that sex is all what men want. No, it’s not true, and if you make a man think that you consider him that alfa male, he will refuse casual sex if he can’t be in a relationship with you. Seriously, it happened to me more than once.

And the thing is that in our society now it’s not that easy to show the man that you consider him an alfa male, because if ‘everyone does it’ then it doesn’t mean anything, does it?

I feel so alone now

So that’s what happened: I have no family now. My brother is not a family, he can’t offer me any support – even now, in this difficult situation he says to call him tomorrow. I wonder if he comes for a funeral, although he apparently went to dad’s. Or at least that’s what mum said. That was in lockdown and I couldn’t go.

My autistic instinct is telling me that I can’t be a member of two families, that it would be too much. So I couldn’t organise myself my own family because I already had one, even though I moved out ages ago. And now I don’t have anyone.

That’s how it often feels to me – that I need to be alienated in order to feel good. But then, when this need gets fulfilled I want to have people around me again and they are not there because, when I felt like being alienated, I alienated everyone for good. I wish people understand.

Now I feel alienated but not by choice. It’s difficult. It’s 2.30am and I doubt I’m going to get any more sleep. I want my mum to be alive again, to make jokes and cook pierogi for me. I don’t want her to have dementia. I want her how she used to be earlier.

I can’t describe my feelings. I don’t know if I’m sad. Although at certain times during blogging I was able to say that yes, I am. But now I don’t know what emotions I feel. I just wish things were different.

I can’t grieve

Possibly you find it strange that I post just after my mum died. But I’m not doing that for attention – I don’t get much of that from the blog. The purpose of the blog is to record how I feel and think but also to unload my emotions. Before I started blogging I used to email The Friend when I was going through difficulties. I’d email her several times a day and then, when I got better, I was joking she doesn’t have to read those emails. But because they were for her only, I never put much effort into organising my thoughts into sentences that would be comprehensible. As a result I felt out of control. I felt like I wasn’t coping because what I was writing didn’t make any sense and yet, I couldn’t stop myself from writing more.

Now, when I have a blog, I know my writing needs to make sense so I put effort into organising my thoughts. The proces of organising my thoughts is already helping me, I also think that because I managed to organise my thoughts I’m not in such a bad state, so that makes me feel better too, and then I think I created a content, which is a real bonus.

Also posting every day or almost every day gives me a chance to properly record how I am thinking and feeling. Hopefully one day someone will find my blog and use it to work out how autistics really think.

So basically at the moment I find it difficult to grieve. When my dad died, I felt intense grief straight away, even though I didn’t have a relationship with him. Or maybe because of that? Now I just want all of this to be over. I mean I want the funeral to happen as soon as possible and I don’t really want to think too much about it.

I ate supper, like every day and even had some ice cream after. I was briefly in touch with John (The Boyfriend), today and yesterday. I told him that I love him and he said the same thing. We didn’t discuss getting back together, however, if there’s still love and desire between us I can’t see why that wouldn’t happen but maybe not this week.

My mum died

Her care home called me around 30 minutes ago and I kind of knew that was it. Possibly because they never call? If there was an issue, they emailed and told me to call them back.

She was apparently doing ok, had her supper like every day and then… it’s very sudden.

I called my brother to tell him and asked him if he can take care of things and he told me to call again tomorrow. Strange but that didn’t surprise me at all.

I suppose I feel relieved in a way. I came to see dementia as a slow goodbye. Like mum is still here, but she’s not at the same time so I’m getting ready for her to leave for good. I didn’t talk to her for a bit, not even for Christmas. I didn’t want to. The last time I did she didn’t make any sense and I didn’t want to remember her like that.

It’s so strange that just a few months ago she was here, with me, cooking dinners and doing shopping. I know, it’s age, but it’s still strange that things can progress so quickly.

I got in touch with funeral director and they said they can organise everything so that I just come for funeral. Still, there will be things to organise except of funeral. I don’t know where I should stay when I go there. It’s very cold now in Poland. I know I can’t stay at home but the hostel where I was in September doesn’t really seem suitable for this difficult moment. I’m thinking, possibly I’ll stay in a proper hotel in a town centre for the first couple of nights and then I’ll move to the hostel if I need to stay longer for any reason.

I don’t suppose I’ll be putting any sexual content for a bit now.

Should women ‘respect themselves’?

I was wondering whether to put this on my blog or not. It’s not a positive experience, but then, my story wouldn’t be complete if I would be constantly saying that men always treated me well.

I was on a dating website for a couple of years before I met The Boyfriend and I spoke with loads of men. Some of them were really creepy. This is just what happens, you can’t prevent that. But then, I didn’t want to arrange a date with them. Some men out there are so stupid that they put on their profile things like ‘I will respond to every message, unless you are one of those silly cows who…’ I don’t know what was after that because I stopped reading. Men like that are out there and if you meet one, don’t dwell on it. Instead congratulate yourself that you managed to spot the signs early.

Anyway, I wanted to talk here about an experience that I had with a guy who didn’t seem dodgy at all. He seemed nice, respectful and good communicator. It was just after I broke up with my ex, who was by the time my only sexual partner. I think I was 31. I went on a dating website and wanted to meet an emotionally unavailable man for a romance. I thought it would be easy, it seems like there’s so many emotionally unavailable men out there so I thought I’d find one easily and will mess him about. It made sense to me – I would never mess about a man who would be ready to commit as I didn’t want to hurt anybody.

That, however, proved more difficult than I thought. In the meantime I spoke with that guy I just mentioned. He was from London and he made it clear he’s not looking for a relationship. He mentioned that he had sex with multiple other women. I’m not sure now if he was saying the truth, possibly he was only trying to get his message accross? We spoke over several days, I don’t remember how many, but it was certainly not one conversation only. We agreed that I’d go to London to meet him and then, if I still feel ok about it, we’ll go to his place to have sex. We met in a pub first and I had a few drinks. That was actually the only one situation when I got drunk with a stranger (always listen to mum, because if you don’t, that’s when bad things happen!). I thought I managed to assess him – he was polite and respectful. I only got drunk because I wanted to make that easier for myself.

We went to his place and I had even more to drink. Then we had sex. It was nothing special. At some point he removed his condom and had anal sex with me. I was too drunk to even react. It was not something that I’d expect from a polite man, yet it happened. That was one more experience that gave me better idea of how men are like. What I think happened there was that he didn’t understand why, for goodness sake, if I wanted to have non string attached sex with him, I had to get so drunk to do that. It didn’t fit into his understanding of open-minded women so he thought I’m doing this to drag him into relationship (that’s men default explanation for everything that they don’t understand in women behavior) and he lost all his respect for me that he possibly had earlier.

I remember him saying that afterwards he’d take me to the train station but instead he only took me to the bus stop. Thank god, I got sober enough to get myself back home.

He had a very niche job. And what happened two or three days later was that a guy who was doing the same job contacted me on the same dating website and insisted to meet me. Moreover, that guy was Polish. OMG, that was such an eye opener! My earlier experience with guys was positive so, although I was aware that they want to have sex whenever they can, I didn’t think that they would do those things. Yes, they would. If you ‘disrespect yourself’ then the guy will disrespect you to – that’s what happens. That is the world we live in.

However, if that happens to you, don’t dwell on it. Instead reflect on what went wrong and how to avoid similar situations in the future.

Later on I started worrying that possibly I caught sexually transmitted disease from him so I arranged blood test in sexual health clinic. The nurse there, a young woman, asked me what makes me think that I could catch something so I told her. And guess what? She wasn’t very nice to me after that. You’d expect a nurse in sexual health clinic to be an open-minded person. Possibly she sees string of women every day with similar stories and came to conclusion that’s what happens when women get drunk. And because I was in my 30s already she thought I should have known better by that time.

Yet we are constantly being told by media that we, women, deserve respect whatever we do with our sexuality. And technically we do. That man shouldn’t remove his condom and the nurse shouldn’t be impolite. But that’s the world we live in. And someone needs to say that out loud: if a man thinks you’re low quality woman who is trying to deceive him to get him into relationship he will think it’s ok to treat you badly.

That’s how men think: if they don’t understand something in your behaviour they will tell themselves that you’re trying to drag him into relationship, that possibly your biological clock is ticking and you’re going crazy. They have no ability to understand our complex emotions and perspective. And anyway, sex with a man you don’t fancy is not fun. You’re much better off to have sex with a man you fancy, who’s not ready for a relationship as long as you’re honest with him beforehand.

I feel incredibly sad (also, how to have casual sex if you’re autistic)

I have a feeling that I already made a post with this title but then I can’t come up with anything else – I do feel incredibly sad.

The last couple of days I was so focused that it was almost like being in a trance – I didn’t do anything except of thinking what to write on my blog. I barely ate, but I still had drinks of course. It was really strange, but then, I guess, I wouldn’t write those posts about sexuality and testing men. It feels strange to me, I feel old and unattractive which is possibly slight exaggeration but then that’s how it feels, like it’s young girls who know how to test guys when in fact they have no idea.

But the truth is, as I’m 44 I have life experience. I had time to work all that out. I mentioned here, a few posts away that guys always treated me well – ok, I do have a couple of bad experiences too, that I’d rather not discuss here, at least not now. I may come back to it a bit later, I don’t know. But the thing is that after every negative experience I reflected on myself so that the same thing never happened to me again. And it did not. So my general experience is that guys always treated me well and when I wrote that in the other post, I wasn’t even thinking about the negative ones, I kind of forgot about them. Only later I realised that yes, I had a few bad experiences, but they didn’t traumatise me, if that makes sense?

And because I’m not traumatised, I can enjoy guys company and take time to get to know them instead of worrying whether that particular man is going to treat me well. That’s what I wish every woman can experience, autistic or not. And to get there you need to focus on positives. Try to become friends with guys, if possible, those from your work or university, try to see things from their perspective and understand their jokes. If you know a nice guy who you don’t fancy, ask him for dating advice. He may tell you things that other women don’t know. Like for example that, yes, men want to have sex with any woman if they’re single but they would still prefer to meet the woman of their dreams and have sex with her instead.

I sometimes think, how come I can’t see things from other people perspective (that’s what my diagnostician, Oriana Morrison-Clarke said) but then, when I was at the university, where there were plenty of men around, some of them would come to me for dating advice? Possibly I focus on men perspective more? I don’t know. But those men wouldn’t come to me for advice if I was a bad listener.

The last couple of days I wasn’t playing Redecor and didn’t do any patterns. I somehow feel like I can’t do them again, like if I’m not allowed. It’s a strange feeling. Why would I not be allowed? It doesn’t make any sense. Possibly I’d get back to it later, when I fully recover after the trance that I’ve been through.

I didn’t reach out to John (The Boyfriend) yet and I don’t know if I should do that or not, or possibly not yet. I managed to shake off that feeling a weight loss ad with his surname gave me (https://autisticandme.com/2022/01/19/were-act-on-our-instinct-when-were-in-danger-notifications-again/) but still, I don’t know what to do. I still love and fancy him. He may not be the best communicator in the world but overall he’s the best guy that ever happened to me. I do hope he reads my blog and doesn’t mind that I revealed both his first name and surname here – although not in the same post, so it’s not like I revealed his identity.

I feel really tired. I have overdue bills to pay for my mum’s medication. I will do it tomorrow I suppose. I could not even do that when I was in that state of trance, even though it would only take a few minutes.

I’m not sure if I will continue writing about relationships and sexuality. I think I already said what I had to say, but if someone contacts me about their difficulties with men, I’ll try to help.

I think the most important thing for us, autistic females, is to remember that men test women, whether they are interested in proper relationship or just casual sex. And if women fail those tests men will disrespect them. The easiest way to fail a man’s test if you’re looking for a relationship is to become easily impressed with his efforts and think that they mean he’s really into you.

Regarding casual sex – I made a post a few days ago about that and said that we, autistic women should not engage in casual sex because even if we tell a man we don’t want a relationship, he will still not believe us, will test us using hints and if we don’t respond to them the way he expects, he will think we’re lying and will disrespect us. However, I came up with solution for that too (well, we should have the same chances in life as non autistic women, shouldn’t we?).

This will best done over emails or texts, not in person: as you discuss your expectations with a man you’re considering for casual sex, first remember to tell him that you don’t want to feel pressured and you may change your mind on the day. Second, explain that you’re autistic and therefore you don’t get hints easily. Tell him you are aware that men use hints to test women real intensions, even though the woman already stated she’s not interested in a relationship. Tell him not to do that on you because due to your autism you won’t be able to respond in a way that he expects. You already stated you’re not into a relationship and he needs to take that on a face value. And then say: And, as you are not interested in a relationship with me, my true intentions should not really interest you, should they? And anyway I have no ability to haunt you afterwards so be a man and don’t play any silly neurotypical games with me.

Those words sound a bit harsh but this is how you have to talk to a man from time to time to get him to behave. At the same time you will be doing your bit for the autistic community because people really don’t understand.

Should we have sex on a third date? (How to use social rules to test people)

Having sex on a third date is considered normal. Of course some people have it earlier that that, even before actually going on a date at all. Going for the third date rule may work for neurotypical women because they have the ability to communicate their intentions in nonverbal way. However, we, autistics, don’t do that and if you don’t respond to hints that the man is using around the time you’re about to have sex or shortly after, he will not know what is going on and may assume you’re not really into him that much, you’re just looking for whoever to be in a relationship.

It’s much better for you to create situation where you are in control. You can use the above rule to create a game. I’ll tell you how to do that in a way where you can find out a bit about his real intensions. Let’s say you’ve been on two dates already and you’re talking about arranging a third one. So he expects that sex is going to happen on that third date. Ask him if that’s what he wants to do. Of course he wants to but he should be able to respond in a balanced manner. Engage in sexual chat with him over emails or texts. Keep talking to him about your sexual desires, preferences and how much you fancy him.

If he really likes you and thinks you could become his long term partner, he will control his words as he doesn’t want to rock the boat by saying something that you may find off-putting. He may say for example ‘What you’re saying sounds really good. It’s very hard to resist, no pun intended’ – that’s the hint that you gave him erection. He won’t want to drive to your house straight away, he’ll wait.

Explain that you’re not 100 percent sure, so you can’t promise anything but you will probably do it because you really fancy him.

When you meet him for that third date, tell him you’re not ready. If a guy really likes you, he’ll be ok with that. After the third date text him and say that you really fancy him and regret that you didn’t do it. In here you’re creating a situation where you have a problem and him having sex with you is a solution. A good guy will think it’s a really interesting concept.

If he gets upset or tells you that you’re just messing him around, that will mean he’s a guy who’s unwilling to deal with difficult situations even when he sees a prospect of being rewarded soon. If that’s what happened get rid of him and then congratulate yourself that you managed to weed him out.

Let’s go back now to that situation where you’re just talking to him about sex before that third date. What else may happen will be that he’ll suddenly become very explicit. He may says things like ‘you made me horny’ or ‘you gave me an erection’ or he’ll want to drive to your house immediately. That means that he is just after casual sex and feels relieved that he can finally get his intensions out. No pun intended.

The worst thing that may happen is if a guy tells you that after what you said he’s masturbating. That means that he has absolutely no idea that women see sex differently to men and having sex with him, any sex, will be a terrible experience.

We, autistics, may be not good at social skills but we are good at playing games. So think about how to use social rules to create a game where you can manipulate situation and test people. That will really help you navigate dating world.

‘Where is this relationship going?’ – never ask man that question

So let’s imagine now that you are dating a guy for a little bit, those are proper dates, things seem to go well but you never talked about commitment.

‘Where is this relationship going?’ is the dumbest question that you can ask and it will only make him resent you. Even if he likes you a lot and thinks you could be his long term partner. This is because it sounds like you’re asking him to predict future. He has no ability to do that. He may take you seriously but things may happen on the way. If he knew he wants to propose, he’d do that now instead of telling you that he’ll do that in a bit later. He can’t tell you that he’ll marry you later on if he doesn’t know if he wants to marry you now. Does that make sense?

Moreover, he is perfectly aware that this is not a question that is being asked lightly so you must have thought about it beforehand and yet, you didn’t come up with anything that would sound better from his perspective. Therefore that means for him that you’re a terrible communicator and will make his life hell.

Instead of that ask him how he sees you. You may for example say: ‘We’ve been dating for a bit already and I really like you. I was wondering recently how you see me. Can you imagine me as your long term partner?’ and leave it at that.

He will then see you as a good communicator and will respect you. Because you asked him about his intensions in a non threatening way.

We’re act on our instinct when we’re in danger (Notifications again)

Ok, so that is pretty horrible: I was thinking what to do about The Boyfriend and the fact that I still want to be with him, but I’m not sure how the things will work out if he doesn’t fully support my blog. I really believe that I have something important to say: guys always treated me well, despite of the fact that I’m autistic, but then I need a man to confirm that. Me and The Boyfriend had been through so much during our relationship: the Home Group drama, my two psychotic episodes, the hospital stays, my medication and it’s side effects – and yet, we pretty much never argued. We support and respect each other. But then, if he never confirms that is true people will think that I made it all up.

So I was thinking what to do and I suddenly saw that ad about losing weight. It was about ‘that one activity that you do every day’ that will help you lose weigh. It didn’t mention what the activity is and it didn’t make any sense because, if we do it every day anyway, we should all be slim already, shouldn’t we? But it was there, so I tried to work out it’s meaning and then, at some point I’ve heard that statement: it’s precious. I was perfectly aware that was referring to ‘that activity’ but, by coincidence Precious is The Boyfriend’s surname. And then it made me think that I need to cut him off from my life completely, because he will be dragging me down. That he is that unwanted weight. I cannot control that! I am perfectly aware that this is just a random piece of information but it makes sense to me, it seems to be the solution for my problem! So that is another example how I use notifications to makes sense of things that are too difficult for me to understand.

Yet, as I said, despite my problems with social skills, men always treat me well. It is said that we, autistic females have to be extra careful because men will deceive us. I was only diagnosed at 38 so most of my life I didn’t even know I have to be extra careful and yet, I was in situations before where it was man who refused casual sex because he couldn’t have a relationship with me. I do not think this is just my experience, I did hear about situations in Poland that were similar, but then, this is not widely discussed there. Women have sex with men but don’t really talk about it because of the powerful influence of Catholic Church.

Yes, you can keep a man and make him want you by having sex with him, but you have to act out of instinct. Everyone has it, autistic or not, although autistics are better at it. But in general people act on their instinct when they feel danger. And we had plenty of situations to experience that in Poland. Wars, communism, high unemployment rate – you name it. And during the war and after a lot of men died so women had to use everything they had to keep one for themselves. If you do that out of instinct, you act and behave differently. You connect with man’s powerful desire to own a woman. You became someone who he can work out his deepest desire with. And what is his deepest desire? He wants to have a woman that will agree to have sex with him whenever he wants to because she feels that she belons to him, so it’s his right to do that. It’s her responsibility to please him. That’s what men really want out of a relationship, on an instictive level. They will never admit to it, because there is no space for it in our society. If they’d admitted that publicly in current climate, they’d never have any sex at all after that.

And if you do that out of instinct, when you really feel it, not because it’s just another trick for you, it will be men who will give you ultimatums to get your act together and they will refuse sex altogether if they can’t have relationship with you. It is really that simple.

Sexual desire is controlled by instinct so we should use instinct to manage it, wouldn’t you agree? It’s not controlled by social skills or emotions. Moreover, when you deny yourself sex with a man that you fancy because you want a relationship and he doesn’t, you become manipulative and men don’t like that. It is that simple.

That need to own a woman is so powerful for a man that if he really thinks you can be the one, he will be testing you at the beginning of your relationship by offering you non string attached sex. And if you go for it and find it sexy, then he thinks that you are that woman and he’ll want you for a relationship. But even if you agreed that this is not a relationship yet (but remember, be honest, if you want a relationship, you need to admit that) he will still be testing you. Even autistic men have the ability to do that.

I can think of a one scenario here but there can be others of course. You meet up for an evening date during the week, when he has to go to work early the next day and he’ll be very attentive to you when you’re having sex and will make an effort to put your needs first. And in the morning you’ll kiss for a bit and then he’ll push himself into you and says ‘I can think of worse ways to wake up’. And if you find it sexy it will mean for him that yes, he can own you and he’ll want you for a relationship. If you find it disrespectful he’ll think that he can’t own you, that he isn’t an alfa male for you and he’ll become disappointed and disinterested or, if everything else is good he’ll continue to date you but will never offer you the commitment. He will be hoping that maybe one day you will pass his test. And only then he can commit to you. That’s how men really are like.

Man is perfectly aware of what society is telling us about those situations: that good men always put women needs first in bed. But then he thinks, if you feel desire right in that moment, it wouldn’t matter to you, would it? You would forget about it and give in. That’s how women behave in the presence of an alfa male.

If a guy never tests you this way but you are in a relationship, then he’s not really that much into you. He may treat you well, spend time with you, because yes, he wants to have sex but also he wants to demonstrate to the world around him that he has a girlfriend: he has the ability to find one and also he’s normal, but he’s hoping, deep in his heart that one day he’ll find a woman that he will consider alfa female and if she pases his tests he’ll dump you and marry her instead. And you’ll be wondering what you did wrong. But you didn’t do anything wrong, he just didn’t consider you the one. You can’t control that perception whatever you do. It either is there or it’s not. The only thing that you did wrong is that instead of looking for that alfa male and fighting for him with every tool you can possibly imagine, you settled for a man who seemed like he wants to commit. You have to be honest with yourself, if you just want a man to fill in that ‘boyfriend void’ instead of looking for someone that you really fancy, that’s what is going to happen to you.

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