So I saw The Friend today. It did help me a bit, both talking to her but also being away.

I still feel overwhelmed that I have to make all the decisions myself. I almost feel that I’d prefer if my mum didn’t have any money left. We’d cope somehow, like we used to before she sold the first bit of land. We wouldn’t be happy but we’re definitely not happy now.

We’re not a family that put elderly parents into private care homes, not any care homes really, and my mum wouldn’t need to be in one if my brother behaved himself.

Money should be spent on something more tangible, like house refurbishment for example, but my brother is not going to carry even the smallest project and I can’t stay here to take care of it. Even if I did, it would all get ruined very quickly.

In a way I’m hoping that when I go to the bank on Wednesday, I’ll be told there’s no money left. Mum would then have to stay in the government care home and my brother would have to provide himself for his drinking, but nothing of that would be my fault.

I want to be back at home, my home, in the UK.