I went on a trip to Oxford. Is that a normal thing to do 4 days after one receives a message about their mum death? Well, I don’t know, but I guess as I’m autistic, I can’t be normal, can I?
I first went to that Lebanon restaurant called Comptoir Lebanais, it’s a place full of patterns! I first become aware of this chain when I had a walk around Bath on that day when I missed my train to Weymouth. I wasn’t hungry on that day but I knew I needed to go there, even though Lebanon food is not my favourite. So I decided I’d go today but I chose Oxford instead of Bath, to make use of my disabled bus pass, lol.
I ordered lamb kofta wrap and it was nice, although possibly next time I’d order tagine. I’ll definitely need to go back there though! Or possibly even move in? I wonder if the owner would like my Redecor designs, lol.
After I left I thought, is that normal behaviour? I’m supposed to be grieving. And it’s really not that I didn’t love my mum. I did love her a lot but the last couple of months I was getting used to the fact that she’s about to depart from this world. I was glad that I lost my ID when I was in Poland as it gave me more time to spend with her, when she was still ‘with it’. It was the last time when I saw her that I realised her mind was really not how it should be. If I didn’t experience that last conversation about the van that apparently passed the care home and didn’t stop but still managed to deliver cakes I would find it extremely difficult to believe that she has dementia.
So the last couple of months I felt like she’s still here, but she’s not. I knew I couldn’t expect any advice from her on any topic – although, to be honest she was never good at giving advices. The last couple of years her default advice for every single of my problem was that I should move to a smaller flat. She seemed to believe that I live above my means. It was very upsetting that she could not see the situation from my perspective. If I saved maybe 30 quid a month on moving to one bedroom, what difference is this going to make to my budget? She couldn’t understand that. Also it would have not change anything in my life: general happiness, fitness, health, relationship with food, self fulfilment, how people treat me at work – that would not change at all if I lived in a smaller flat. I wonder whether her inability to understand that wasn’t a sign of dementia.
Anyway, still, I feel like I should be grieving. When my dad died I didn’t go to work for 10 days and barely left the house during that time. It was, ultimately, because I couldn’t go to his funeral, as that was end of March 2020. I didn’t have relationship with my dad at all, no one had. Still, I was aware the way he was behaving was due to his mental health problems. I always imagined his funeral in a very positive way, it was meant to be this time when I can tell him that I love him regardless and that I forgive him and he wouldn’t be able to respond with anything hurtful any more. Yet, that was taken away from me. So first he was taken away from me by his mental illness and then his funeral was taken away from me because of pandemic.
Now I feel almost totally normal. A bit bitter at times, like I already explained earlier, but nothing more than that.
So anyway, I was walking around Oxford town centre, thinking if I’m totally normal or not and planning where to have my coffee and cake. I like independent cafes, much prefer the atmosphere there than in your usual Costa. There was this blackboard at the entrance to a side street advertising a small independent cafe, that stated ‘Dogs welcome (people too)’ and I thought, oh, let me go there.
Later on, while having my hot chocolate I was wondering if I’m a dog. If I’m not normal, like other people, and I reacted positively to that sign, I must be a dog, does that make sense to you? I can’t help it, that’s how I understand language.
Obviously dogs are unlikely to own a smartphone and even less likely to be able to type on it. So maybe I am a human then? But I’m not normal. Who am I then?
An autistic human? How am I supposed to behave then in this situation? Possibly I shouldn’t be posting about me not really grieving, but then, the purpose of my blog is to record my mental state so that people have an opportunity to understand how an autistic person thinks. What would be purpose of lying then? Although of course I understand in some situations it’s better not to say anything, but now I have nothing to hide.
Possibly, by making this trip, I needed to prove myself that normal life continues even though my mum died? I don’t know. I feel that in a way my thinking is slowed down. I just knew I had to go away for at least a few hours.