I feel incredibly sad (also, how to have casual sex if you’re autistic)

I have a feeling that I already made a post with this title but then I can’t come up with anything else – I do feel incredibly sad.

The last couple of days I was so focused that it was almost like being in a trance – I didn’t do anything except of thinking what to write on my blog. I barely ate, but I still had drinks of course. It was really strange, but then, I guess, I wouldn’t write those posts about sexuality and testing men. It feels strange to me, I feel old and unattractive which is possibly slight exaggeration but then that’s how it feels, like it’s young girls who know how to test guys when in fact they have no idea.

But the truth is, as I’m 44 I have life experience. I had time to work all that out. I mentioned here, a few posts away that guys always treated me well – ok, I do have a couple of bad experiences too, that I’d rather not discuss here, at least not now. I may come back to it a bit later, I don’t know. But the thing is that after every negative experience I reflected on myself so that the same thing never happened to me again. And it did not. So my general experience is that guys always treated me well and when I wrote that in the other post, I wasn’t even thinking about the negative ones, I kind of forgot about them. Only later I realised that yes, I had a few bad experiences, but they didn’t traumatise me, if that makes sense?

And because I’m not traumatised, I can enjoy guys company and take time to get to know them instead of worrying whether that particular man is going to treat me well. That’s what I wish every woman can experience, autistic or not. And to get there you need to focus on positives. Try to become friends with guys, if possible, those from your work or university, try to see things from their perspective and understand their jokes. If you know a nice guy who you don’t fancy, ask him for dating advice. He may tell you things that other women don’t know. Like for example that, yes, men want to have sex with any woman if they’re single but they would still prefer to meet the woman of their dreams and have sex with her instead.

I sometimes think, how come I can’t see things from other people perspective (that’s what my diagnostician, Oriana Morrison-Clarke said) but then, when I was at the university, where there were plenty of men around, some of them would come to me for dating advice? Possibly I focus on men perspective more? I don’t know. But those men wouldn’t come to me for advice if I was a bad listener.

The last couple of days I wasn’t playing Redecor and didn’t do any patterns. I somehow feel like I can’t do them again, like if I’m not allowed. It’s a strange feeling. Why would I not be allowed? It doesn’t make any sense. Possibly I’d get back to it later, when I fully recover after the trance that I’ve been through.

I didn’t reach out to John (The Boyfriend) yet and I don’t know if I should do that or not, or possibly not yet. I managed to shake off that feeling a weight loss ad with his surname gave me (https://autisticandme.com/2022/01/19/were-act-on-our-instinct-when-were-in-danger-notifications-again/) but still, I don’t know what to do. I still love and fancy him. He may not be the best communicator in the world but overall he’s the best guy that ever happened to me. I do hope he reads my blog and doesn’t mind that I revealed both his first name and surname here – although not in the same post, so it’s not like I revealed his identity.

I feel really tired. I have overdue bills to pay for my mum’s medication. I will do it tomorrow I suppose. I could not even do that when I was in that state of trance, even though it would only take a few minutes.

I’m not sure if I will continue writing about relationships and sexuality. I think I already said what I had to say, but if someone contacts me about their difficulties with men, I’ll try to help.

I think the most important thing for us, autistic females, is to remember that men test women, whether they are interested in proper relationship or just casual sex. And if women fail those tests men will disrespect them. The easiest way to fail a man’s test if you’re looking for a relationship is to become easily impressed with his efforts and think that they mean he’s really into you.

Regarding casual sex – I made a post a few days ago about that and said that we, autistic women should not engage in casual sex because even if we tell a man we don’t want a relationship, he will still not believe us, will test us using hints and if we don’t respond to them the way he expects, he will think we’re lying and will disrespect us. However, I came up with solution for that too (well, we should have the same chances in life as non autistic women, shouldn’t we?).

This will best done over emails or texts, not in person: as you discuss your expectations with a man you’re considering for casual sex, first remember to tell him that you don’t want to feel pressured and you may change your mind on the day. Second, explain that you’re autistic and therefore you don’t get hints easily. Tell him you are aware that men use hints to test women real intensions, even though the woman already stated she’s not interested in a relationship. Tell him not to do that on you because due to your autism you won’t be able to respond in a way that he expects. You already stated you’re not into a relationship and he needs to take that on a face value. And then say: And, as you are not interested in a relationship with me, my true intentions should not really interest you, should they? And anyway I have no ability to haunt you afterwards so be a man and don’t play any silly neurotypical games with me.

Those words sound a bit harsh but this is how you have to talk to a man from time to time to get him to behave. At the same time you will be doing your bit for the autistic community because people really don’t understand.

I run out of creativity

I slept around 9 hours last night, but the previous night was only 6, so it’s not excessive. Before I started Sleep School it would be six hours one night and then five the next so it really is an improvement. Btw I can’t work out when my subscription runs out. The app states that the yearly subscription started on the 1st of January 2021 but I was sure that it was a bit later than that so had a look at my old emails yesterday and they mentioned two dates: 5th and 12th of January but it’s all very confusing and I now can’t work out if the app will stop workig on the 12th.

I mean, I don’t have problems with paying for it as it’s very helpful and 30 pounds per year for good quality sleep is really nothing. What I have problem with is, if the app will continue to work. It will feel like stealing if I continue to use it and I don’t feel like I want to contact the customer service as I in the past sent them an inappropriate email or possibly even two. I guess, it’s possible they don’t remember, but what if they do? I certainly remember!

I complained yesterday that I feel like I run out of my creativity. I still feel like this today and it will probably last for at least a couple of days. I remember I did this complicated pattern sometimes before Christmas:

That was really easy to do

I don’t quite remember how and which Redecor design I used for it but I remember I did it quite quickly and that it was easy. And what I did yesterday? A couple of triangles. Oh well…

I’ve been thinking recently about the cons of posts without images. Well, obviously for the reader they may not be that attractive but the purpose of my blog is to record my thinking process as an autistic person and it feels to me like illustrations should make sense. Even in a simple way like what I did above – I added an image I did when I felt really creative and explained I can’t do similar one now.

Adding images just for the sake of it seems counterintuitive for me, but also allowing myself for posts without images will give me flexibility of posting whenever I feel that something worth recording happened, without worrying too much about it.

My head feels really tired today. Possibly reading news is good activity for a day like today.

Should I add images to my older posts? (I feel alienated)

You could possibly noticed, if you read my blog for long enough, that I used to add my Redecor designs as illustrations to my posts. I had the idea that it may make it difficult for people to quickly judge what my blog is about, but then Redecor feels like part of me (ok, ok, most people don’t even know what Redecor is) and also, I wanted to have some illustrations and had no other way of obtaining them. However, when I started playing with patterns in PicsArt, I removed most Redecor images, only leaving those where I actually discuss Redecor in the post, and I started replacing them with patterns. But then I decided that wasn’t good enough so I deleted most of them… oh well.

The idea of the second deleting was to replace patterns with my digital art, which is pretty much more sophisticated use of patterns, but now I think, would that not be confusing as well?

I only started using PicsArt in the second week of December, so would it make sense to add any of the images done in PicsArt to posts that were written before that date? But if I don’t, then most posts will have no illustrations. Oh well… but the blog is supposed to represent me, an autistic person with executive functioning issues, so it shouldn’t be too well organised, wouldn’t you agree? I didn’t even update listings in my etsy shop, even though I already paid for them. I mean, it was only £1.20 in total, but the thing is, people are looking at what I created, and it’s not perfect. I am a perfectionist with executive functioning issues, it’s a very dangerous mixture.

Tough then, older posts will have no images, unless those were added already. Unless obviously I’ll change my mind again.

I don’t feel like this is finished, but it’s not bad. We’ll see where my creativity will take me.

Also, I wanted to say I feel very alienated in my attempts to create digital art out of patterns and shapes. I did try to look for people who do something similar and can’t seem to find anybody. Also, when I try to find out if there is another app I could use, no articles or tutorials even discuss the functionality that I need, so I don’t know if it’s not available or whether no one needs it so it just doesn’tget discussed. It now makes me think that if I ask a couple of digital artists about it, they may not even know.

It reminds me that sad moment from zero year (that’s how they are numbered in Poland) of primary school when I draw an egg shape, covered it in different colours squares and was laughed at as a result. If no one does what I do, that can only mean I’m strange.

Omg, I knew that all along, I suspected it, and now it only become more obvious! Ok, ok, being dramatic is not going to help. I have no choice but to get on with this.

Happy New Year!

So, yesterday at 9am I realised it’s new year already, 2022. Before that I thought it’s the last day of previous year! How strange, isn’t it? Perhaps the new year parties are not such a big deal like they are in Poland, that’s why I was mistaken about the date.

I must say I do miss the atmosphere of the last day of the year in Poland. A couple of years ago, me, The Friend, and The Friend’s friend met in Kraków and we had a fantastic time. I was depressed at the time – that was the last new year before my employment tribunal claim and my first psychotic episode – but I managed to have a good fun.

I sometimes wonder how come I managed to get myself out of that misery and come back to a normal life where even relationship with The Boyfriend hasn’t been severely affected (obviously we had some arguments on the way, but not many at all). Perhaps I really am a lucky girl. If that’s true, however, I need to remind myself occasionally that luck shouldn’t be pushed.

Yesterday I set up an etsy store for my patterns but I found it really daunting – preparing a listing takes me more time than actually doing the pattern. Surely, it shouldn’t be like that? I created 6 listings and they’re not even described properly, I will update them when I feel like it but to be honest I doubt to have loads of sales from that. Etsy has so many items for sale that being discovered this way is very unlikely, but then, at least I have a shop there so I can now say I’m a digital artist. Well, I guess I could call myself digital artist even if I’m not selling my work, but it just doesn’t seem right to me – I guess that’s my autistic self trying to fit everything into the pattern that I already know.

I’m worried a bit about the resolution of my images. If it was higher I could create more effects, but then Redecor is a game, not a digital art tool and high resolution is not what most players look for while it would certainly eat more online data.

I managed to pay my service charges on time. I think I mentioned it here, how I am always late with this particular bill – all other bills are paid by direct debit but service charges are payable every three months only and it doesn’t make any sense to me that they can be paid by direct debit. They apparently can but my mind doesn’t want to accept it, and then when I get a bill, I never get to pay it on time.

During the last year I was getting the same bill twice. I guess it’s some kind of error in the council? But who knows, maybe it’s the council hinting me that I really do need to pay it. I guess, as I’m autistic and focused on patterns, a single event doesn’t make much sense to me (bill being sent once only) so I used to wait till I get a reminder. Since they come in pairs I somehow pay on time. It’s really strange, isn’t it? I knew that it has to be paid and yet I wasn’t paying it.

I think I’ll go to my bank and ask for direct debit to be set up for that too. I mean, I could probably do it myself online but I’d then end up worrying I set it up incorrectly, only because it’s not going to be paid monthly.

Oh, and did I say my DBS came back? Eventually! I’m going on training on the 11th. I can’t wait! I hope, after all this time when I was being left to my own devices I’ll be able to adjust to a work environment again.

I had this idea lately: I’m making effort to write about autism specific communication skills that I noticed my diagnostician, Oriana Morrison-Clarke, using with me as I found them really effective, but I didn’t realise they could be used to take advantage of us! It is said that we, autistics, can be gullible and naive – well, I don’t think that applies to me, on most occasions (however, I need to mention here at some point the situation with a mortgage advisor who apllied for a mortgage for me behind my back) but who knows, if someone was using all the correct communication skills, possibly I’d be much easier to be deceived? It’s so difficult now to decide if I should talk about those techniques. But then, if I don’t, I could pretty much close my blog. Well, I don’t know, but at least I have some awareness of the issue.

That’s it for today, I suppose. Since I started creating patterns writing become more difficult. Hopefully with time I’ll adjust and I can do both. I really like having a blog.

Punishment – a bad idea

I had a lovely Christmas with The Boyfriend – I will not be describing how our Christmas are different from neurotypical people Christmas as I think it would not really add much to understanding of our needs, but possibly, when I become an established blogger I may add a few words on that, if somebody asks.

The Boyfriend left yesterday morning and I spent pretty much the entire Boxing Day playing with patterns in PicsArt: I found it really fun and obviously the more I do that, the easier it gets and I am now starting to believe that every Redecor design can be turned in a nice pattern, depending on what tools I use.

Before Christmas I promised I’ll write a post about why I believe punishment shouldn’t be used to get autistic children (or adults for that matter) to behave certain way: it is because we, autistics, fit everything that happens to us into patterns that we already know and also, we instinctively believe that everything around us is connected in some way. I say, instinctively – logically we are perfectly aware that it’s not but our instinct tells us otherwise.

So, as you may remember, I did some shifts in a supermarket before Christmas, it was hard work but I really liked working on groceries when it got busy, which is strange because as a client I hate busy supermarkets.

On 22nd after work I did my own shopping and bought a few items to treat myself. It wasn’t much but I bought things I really fancy. After the checkout I put mulled wine and apples into my rucksack and marinated artichokes, cambozola, lactose free yoghurt and mini courgette in oil went to a canvas shopping bag. It would all fit easily into my rucksack but the glass would all bang with every move and I’d find it annoying.

The entire journey home I kept telling myself to remember about the shopping bag, especially that it was navy – almost the same colour as bus chairs. I could have hold the bag straps actually, but I didn’t. Oh well…

When I got home I realised I didn’t have the bag on me. Can you even imagine how that felt? It really wasn’t about the couple of pounds that I lost, it felt like the entire Christmas has been cancelled for me! It’s been good few months since I don’t have permanent job so I stopped buying those fancy food items and now, when I bought some to treat myself for Christmas, I lost them! Those items were a symbol of having good Christmas and they’ve been taken away from me by the Universe – that’s how it felt.

What is punishment? In its more civilised form is an act of taking away something that one values as a consequence of bad behaviour – as I stated above, we, autistics, fit everything that happens to us into the pattern that we know. And we instinctively believe that everything around us is connected somehow. I was running around a busy supermarket for the entire day so that other people could get what they wanted for Christmas, while I didn’t get have what I wanted!

What was the conclusion that I came up with?: it was the Universe punishing me for not working hard enough. Of course I knew it wasn’t true but that’s how it felt, so please don’t say I shouldn’t be thinking this way (which is an expression a counsellor used once with me) because this is how I think. And why I said the punishment was for not working hard enough? I was really trying, but the truth is, with our black and white thinking it may sometimes be difficult to establish what is and what isn’t good enough. I can possibly say that, if I didn’t pass out at the end of my shift I could have work harder – I guess you can see some logic in this thinking.

So the result of punishing us by taking things or activities away from us could be that we decide that we need to always be on our best behaviour to succeed in life, our intentions have to always be pure and we can never put ourselves first. And then we see neurotypical people who are not like that at all and they get what they want. How does that feel?

Let’s take the example of Home Group again. If you only just started reading my blog, I’ll quickly explain what happened: Home Group is a large housing association and disability confident employer. I worked for them between 2015 and 2017. I was bullied by a colleague and, because bulling happens to autistics people more often than to neurotypicals, I asked my GP for autism referral diagnosis and then the diagnostic centre to bring my diagnosis forward due to work situation, which they agreed to do (big mistake!) and, as that didn’t stop the bulling, I left and took Home Group to employment tribunal where they claimed my diagnosis was private and they paid for it. I could have won easily, if I didn’t end up in psychiatric hospital. Oh well…

I realised that I’m autistic in September 2015, sometimes between my interview for Home Group job and the starting date. The job was meant to require loads of contact with people and, as I applied for it I was hoping to use that to learn how to be more social – which is not unusual expectation for undiagnosed autistics. When I realised I’m autistic, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. But I needed a job and also, I was hoping that maybe, with better understanding of myself I’d be able to apply some coping strategies that make working there possible for me.

At the time I didn’t want a diagnosis and if I wasn’t being bullied I’d probably still not have it till now. But believe me, I used to wonder so many times that possibly what happened to me later was a punishment for the fact that my intentions weren’t pure and I didn’t reject the job offer on realising I’m autistic.

The person who was bulling me got promoted to a manager position and now, Mark Henderson, the CEO of Home Group, doesn’t even bother to answer my emails and I never even heard ‘I’m sorry’ while Home Group continues to take government money to support people with mental health problems.

Yet, it was me who believed that I deserved to be punished. Does that make any sense to you?

That’s why I really do not think punishment should ever be used as a way to deal with autistic people. I don’t know what can be used instead but possibly there are researchers out there who can answer this question.

My pursuit of patterns is making me unwell

Well, I really don’t know what happened to me the last couple of days. I become so obsessed with creating patterns of my Redecor designs that I started feeling I may be on the edge of psychosis. Thank god, I at least have the understanding that part of it is probably due to how my brain process visual information (I believe I don’t understand it straight away but instead I try to remember it and work it out later, after comparing it with other, similar images and this is apparently done the same way like if my brain was a computer – mind you, I don’t know how neurotypical people process visual information).

So basically, the last couple of days I managed to create some abstract patterns out of a couple of my designs, and the more complex it was, the happier it made me. Unfortunately, most of the designs don’t seem to work that way – if there is a tiny area of grey or dirty brown somewhere, it gets multiplied and enlarged during processing and it makes everything look ugly and if I put too much effort to remove it, I end up damaging area around it. Black is usually fine and creates nice outline but any other really dark colour is a no no. There are still ways to do a nice image out of many designs, maybe just without turning it into an abstract pattern but suddenly I wasn’t satisfied. I really don’t know why, possibly because my love for patterns never found an acceptance in the external world and suddenly I wanted to ‘show’ to everyone who I really am?

I remember when I just started primary school, so I was 5 and a half, we were told to draw an autumn outdoor scene and suddenly I decided to add an unidentified object in the middle of my drawing: it was shaped like an egg, but it wasn’t meant to be an egg. It wasn’t meant to be anything really. I divided it into several squares and fill each of them with a different colour. If you could only see other kids laughing when they saw it! I never did anything similar again.

Some people love music, I love patterns

I know now that I probably didn’t want to draw autumn scene, I wanted to draw a pattern – and I was made fun of because of it. Throughout the years my love of patterns couldn’t manifest in any way – I was feeling guilty for spending money on cushions while what I really wanted was the patterns on them. A bit less than a year ago, while still in lockdown and without access to entertainment I discovered Redecor and was so thrilled with the fact that I can play with patterns without having the need to purchase physical objects that I quickly started spending real money on the game (virtual cushion is obviously much cheaper). I was not doing anything unwise, I was working full time and could easily afford it, yet, when I told a couple of people, they seemed to have real problem with it. One lady on a Facebook group told me the money I spent could easily feed family of 3 for this many weeks. Well… I was wondering why other people have so much problem with how I spend money – if I spend it on staying in expensive hotel for one night, no one would question it.

It felt like I’m constantly being told something is wrong with me because I love patterns. Even if I loved music, that would be much better understood, but loving patterns was all wrong.

And suddenly I started using an app that allowed me to create patterns. Is there anything strange with the fact that I become obsessed?

I had a wake up call today: there was this challenge on Redecor with beautiful cherry blossom and I wanted to get rid of it from the image because the wig looked weird after processing. But after I did, there was nothing interesting in there. Finally I had to admit that I probably took my love of patterns a few steps too far.

Apart from that I’d probably be fine if I could sleep during the last couple of nights. I spent two last days working in a supermarket. It was ok, busy but I was managing. I didn’t even find it too noisy. But I already managed to establish I wouldn’t be able to work in a supermarket long term, but this is a subject for another post.

Being autistic is so tricky sometimes

Over the weekend Ashley Peterson, the mental health blogger who commented on loads of my posts when I just started (thank you Ashley) asked if we follow back bloggers who follow us. Why asking this question she explained she does if the blog interests her as community is very important to her and my first reaction was to comment that I don’t because, as autistic, I don’t do community. Thank god I managed to realise that could look rude – like if I made an effort to reject her.

Let me explain here, I’d love to be a part of a community, it’s only that it doesn’t work for me. Not only I need to be careful about what I am saying, which takes extra effort, and even if it’s not too hard, now, after I keep practicing for a few years, I can’t be spontaneous and that is a big problem for me. If I was spontaneous with people I’d certainly alienate everyone, although I can be ok when I just pop in and out of different settings. I used to be a part of a meet up group before lockdown, when I could just join events that interested me (it was eating out usually, lol) and ignore the rest and there didn’t seem to be any tight knits there and everyone seemed to love me and find my jokes amusing. So that worked for me, but I knew that if I kept seeing the same people every day or even every couple of days it would stop working. At least I now know that this is because I’m autistic – it was so hard when I was younger and didn’t know what it was that I was doing wrong that people who I know for a bit longer stop liking me. My strategy now is to keep social contacts superficial and at least no one will tell me again to ‘open up’ – which was common in my 30s. What was also common was that when I did open up, people used to get disappointed with me.

I guess autistics who are introverts may actually have it easier because there is less social expectations on them. Oh well.

I spent several more hours doing my images. I’m now much more aware of what works and what doesn’t. Check patern doesn’t work, the same multiple chairs (because legs end up looking funny). Vintage wardrobes work well, unless distressed… it looks like I may need to adjust the way how I do my Redecor designs as loads of patterns also doesn’t work. But then that’s not a problem as I’ll end up with a pattern (and totally abstract one) when I process it in PicsArt. Some issues can be corrected while processing but some are easier to deal with than others.

I only just realised that I never posted about my attempts on painting in acrylics. I always wanted to create patterns while painting but was put off with all the mess that I made along the way and the fact that when I made a mistake all the painting was ruined. The Boyfriend was telling me to keep on practicing but with the commitment of full time work it was too much.

Now, when I see that I’m going in the right direction and I’m worried I may mess the image up, I’ll just save it so that I can start over. I am also having a bit of a problem with overdoing it, I guess this is because I find it so much fun that I want to see what else can be achieved. Hopefully in a few days this problem should not affect me any more.

In short: I got totally obsessed! I’m so glad that I’m going to work today. That will be over 10 hours without digital images – otherwise I’d never take a break. I actually woke up at 3am today… I tried to fall asleep at first but the urge to create turned out to be much stronger.

Change is coming (to my blog)

I didn’t post for two days, I think. I was busy with PicsArt, which is ‘creative platform’ for image editing. I knew ages ago that I can do something more with my Redecor images, I just never got time to do it. I think this is an autistic thing, that I find it difficult, or possibly even impossible to learn more than one thing at a time – for a couple of months I was learning how to blog. It is more difficult for me, I suppose, than for a neurotypical person, as deciding what information shouldn’t go on the blog is not automatic for me, although I’d say it’s not that bad with writing – I can usually stop myself from writing something inappropriate as I type, which obviously is slower than speaking. I am hoping that with time blogging will actually help me to be more vigilant in real life as well.

So what I was saying was, as I started blogging I was totally absorbed by it. Even though posting could only took me an hour a day, deciding what to post about took like 10 hours! I knew I would be able to dedicate myself to learning how to process digital images at the time so I didn’t even attempt.

Only on Friday afternoon I decided it’s finally time and it wasn’t really that difficult. I’m aware I still have plenty to learn but what I’ve done so far is pretty satisfying and also working out how to use the app was not difficult at all.

I will be therefore changing the images from the blog from Redecor designs to… processed Redecor designs. I still love Redecor and will continue to play of course but I guess adding home designs images to blog about being autistic could be confusing for prospective readers. I mean, my designs were usually overloaded with patterns so I was hoping people would work out that means I’m autistic, but I guess when we’re scrolling through the web looking for something, we tend to make quick assumptions about what we see, which is also what I do.

So I started playing with PicsArt on Friday evening and I got so obsessed with it that I didn’t go to sleep till like 4am and then I still woke up only an hour later! But at least I wasn’t worried I’m going to get psychosis, as I think it’s much less likely when I don’t sleep due to positive feelings rather than due to stress. Anyway, one night of not sleeping is not enough to set off psychosis.

I was still playing with PicsArt yesterday pretty much the entire day and I only forced myself to go to sleep as tomorrow morning I’m going to work – I’ll be stacking shelves in a supermarket and I’m starting at 9am, so if I only got proper sleep tonight I would find it difficult to manage.

Ok, that’s just a quick post, otherwise I don’t have much to record. Although, possibly I should add my last update on Professor Baron-Cohen drama: on Friday morning I was so upset about the realisation that he’s probably a narcissist and his aim is not to improve the quality of autistic people lives but to keep his privileged position, that I had to take diazepam – which is not something I do often, and when I take it, it doesn’t really calm me down fully.

So I took it around 10am, I did calm down slightly and at 1pm I received an email from Psychiatry Operations Manager at Cambridge University and the email explained that Professor was advised not to email me again, whatever happens. Shortly after that I fully calmed down and I initially thought that was still due to diazepam, but as I continued to be calm throughout the day, I started wondering whether that could be due to the fact that I stopped obsessively thinking about what to do regarding Professor Baron-Cohen.

I couldn’t do anything: telling him what I really think about him would not change a thing and as I knew he was advised to ignore me, I knew that emailing him wouldn’t help me as I wouldn’t be able to work out what he is thinking from his response or the lack of it. He would be ignoring me because that was what he was told to do, and possibly this awareness was what calmed me down? If so, then Cambridge University at least got this one thing right.

Blinis 2

As always, I don’t know how to title my posts. Everything seems so out of place, but then, titling them by numbers would not be very practical now, when I used links to some of them in other posts.

It’s the third day of my exhaustion, at this moment it seems unbelievable that it’s all caused by sensory issues on Tuesday (it’s Friday now). Especially that during last two nights I had around 10 hours of sleep each. It seems like I should be recovered by now.

I’m still very hungry (again, god only knows why) so made another portion of blinis for lunch. I had an idea to add grated parsnip to batter, to reduce number of calories per portion (even though it probably has marginal effect) and I was ready to sacrifice on flavour, but guess what happened? Surprise, surprise, they turned out delicious, with mild nutty flavour and no parsnip aftertaste whatsoever. It’s so strange as parsnip didn’t really work in muffins, unless possibly it was too fresh, and now, when I have the open bag in my fridge for like two weeks, the parsnip flavour possibly is not there? I need to experiment further to work this mistery out.

I also have strange feeling that I should change something in how I approach life, although I’m not really sure what this should be. It’s only feeling, without any further understanding. Hopefully it will come with time.

I’m in the same situation that I was at some point a few weeks ago: I almost run out of teabags and because I’m too tired to go out shopping I’ll be drinking camomile. At the moment I’m having hot chocolate but I need to be careful with that too as I’m also running low on milk and I need it for my morning coffee.

If it continues like this I’ll have to pass on having a date with The Boyfriend this weekend as he wouldn’t really let me have much rest. Well, obviously the purpose of a date is not to have rest but to be exiting to be around, which I’m currently very far from.

I put the blog on my CV yesterday and updated my profile on Indeed today. I decided, why would I hide the fact that I’m autistic and that I have a blog? It’s not a crime, is it? And hopefully me writing about issues autistic people have helps increase understanding. I then applied for a few care jobs but didn’t hear anything from any of them yet. It’s of course a bit early to take it as a sign of rejection, but I am really curious what employers reaction will be to having an autistic applicant.

Today is actually International day of people with disabilities, strangely enough I found out about that from Redecor as there’s no articles on BBC about it. In general BBC website doesn’t seem half as interesting as it was before covid so I now don’t know where to get my daily news from.

I’m still hungry. I really don’t know why.


As this blog is meant to describe me, as an autistic person, and I did post in the past about some of my difficult emotions I think it’s only fair to also post when I feel better. So basically, I feel incredibly excited since yesterday afternoon. I have no idea what I am excited about: my shop cleaning job finished two days ago and my DBS is still not back. I received a letter from mum’s bank and they’re not going to refund her any of the stolen money that we have no evidence for, so what she’s going to get is like 10 percent of what was stolen and the bank is having difficulties to even admit their employee was stealing – they don’t even use the word fraud but instead call it ‘this situation’. Fantastic.

Home Group did not even contact me regarding the email I sent two weeks ago – this is, I guess, them saying they don’t really care about what happened to me, as long as their business is intact. It’s really strange that all those big companies create procedures for similar situations, and then, as things happen, the employees never follow them because they don’t want to disturb the internal politics. Would someone working in a customer service department stand up against their CEO – as I already contacted him and he ignored me? As much as I understand that in hindsight, having procedures that state a different behaviour is expected is only clouding my, autistic, judgment – if there was no procedures at all I’d be much better at predicting other people behaviour, or at least that’s what I think. I wonder what Professor Simon Baron-Cohen would say about that.

Ok, moving on from Home Group – I decided to complain to University of Cambridge about Professor Simon Baron-Cohen and his extreme inability to communicate with me. As I stated in one of my previous posts, I felt at some point that it’s getting a bit better but then suddenly Professor sent me an email to say he feels sorry for me, which just totally didn’t make any sense. I do not feel sorry for myself at all. In general it is said that autistics tent to have misunderstandings with people, but I’d expect it will be a bit better when you talk to world famous autism researcher, and instead it’s much worse. Professor Simon Baron-Cohen has an incredible ability to misinterpret absolutely everything that I am saying, therefore what value his research has? I only contacted University of Cambridge yesterday afternoon (Friday) about it so it’s too early to say anything. As much as I am curious about what will happen, I doubt my excitement comes from that.

I managed to secure another temporary job, in a warehouse this time – in a food distribution centre, I will be starting a training on Monday (it’s Saturday today) and it will include… driving pallet truck! I wonder how I’ll get on with that. Please keep your fingers crossed for me. Is it possible that my excitement comes from that? Possibly my subconscious mind already knows that I’ll be ok there, will get noticed for my ability to follow procedures and understanding systems and will keep getting promotion after promotion until I get to the very top? Oh well, probably not, but I’m very curious about how I will cope. I never tried this kind of job before so it will be interesting to see how it will work out.

I was also thinking that possibly I should have two part time jobs instead of one. I used to do that in the past and I quite liked it: the transition from one job to the other helped me to release any tension; while being in one job only makes me feel trapped. I suppose there should be more understanding in the society for having two jobs – it seems like it’s often being seen as a sign of failure, inability to commit or possibly not being wanted anywhere full time. But the question is: do we need to commit? Obviously if you want to progress commitment is needed but plenty of us don’t want that, we just want to pay the bills and have some money left for fun things, so what is the commitment for?

It’s snowing at the moment, and it’s extremely windy. I’m unlikely to leave my flat today. I decided, however, I shouldn’t be spending all day in bed so I moved to the living room and I’m on the sofa… such fun! I don’t suppose I’m excited for that either. As I stay in I may do some updates on the blog: I decided symbols (as a form of communication) will get their own tag, as so Redecor. Redecor is a very important part of my life now, hard to understand how I coped without it, and I’ve only been playing for around 10 months. The more patterns I have available to use, the more fun it is, although again, I don’t suppose my excitement is caused by the game.

Did I mention I baked another lot of beetroot muffins? I used better quality beetroots this time and added some almond essence – they’re much better this time, no beetroot flavour, so this is, I think, the way to go with my baking. However, again, I don’t suppose that is what I’m excited about.

I also realised a little while ago how much better my mental health is now, when I don’t work in a care home any more. Possibly I should never go back to this kind of job? And not because I’m not a caring person. One thing that I found extremely difficult was the need to constantly switch between tasks: I could not do one thing for long enough before a different resident needed an urgent assistance. On top of that all that bitchiness you get there… God help me, seriously! And the problem is I tend to oversimplify everything where people are involved. I can think, for example, that everyone who works in a care home is caring so they will be nice people. And believe me, some staff really are not! And I don’t talk here about scandals like Winterbourne at all; the staff may be actually caring towards residents but bitchy towards themselves – not fun.

Ok, end of post. What am I excited about though? I still don’t know, but it’s a nice change at last.

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