Punishment – a bad idea

I had a lovely Christmas with The Boyfriend – I will not be describing how our Christmas are different from neurotypical people Christmas as I think it would not really add much to understanding of our needs, but possibly, when I become an established blogger I may add a few words on that, if somebody asks.

The Boyfriend left yesterday morning and I spent pretty much the entire Boxing Day playing with patterns in PicsArt: I found it really fun and obviously the more I do that, the easier it gets and I am now starting to believe that every Redecor design can be turned in a nice pattern, depending on what tools I use.

Before Christmas I promised I’ll write a post about why I believe punishment shouldn’t be used to get autistic children (or adults for that matter) to behave certain way: it is because we, autistics, fit everything that happens to us into patterns that we already know and also, we instinctively believe that everything around us is connected in some way. I say, instinctively – logically we are perfectly aware that it’s not but our instinct tells us otherwise.

So, as you may remember, I did some shifts in a supermarket before Christmas, it was hard work but I really liked working on groceries when it got busy, which is strange because as a client I hate busy supermarkets.

On 22nd after work I did my own shopping and bought a few items to treat myself. It wasn’t much but I bought things I really fancy. After the checkout I put mulled wine and apples into my rucksack and marinated artichokes, cambozola, lactose free yoghurt and mini courgette in oil went to a canvas shopping bag. It would all fit easily into my rucksack but the glass would all bang with every move and I’d find it annoying.

The entire journey home I kept telling myself to remember about the shopping bag, especially that it was navy – almost the same colour as bus chairs. I could have hold the bag straps actually, but I didn’t. Oh well…

When I got home I realised I didn’t have the bag on me. Can you even imagine how that felt? It really wasn’t about the couple of pounds that I lost, it felt like the entire Christmas has been cancelled for me! It’s been good few months since I don’t have permanent job so I stopped buying those fancy food items and now, when I bought some to treat myself for Christmas, I lost them! Those items were a symbol of having good Christmas and they’ve been taken away from me by the Universe – that’s how it felt.

What is punishment? In its more civilised form is an act of taking away something that one values as a consequence of bad behaviour – as I stated above, we, autistics, fit everything that happens to us into the pattern that we know. And we instinctively believe that everything around us is connected somehow. I was running around a busy supermarket for the entire day so that other people could get what they wanted for Christmas, while I didn’t get have what I wanted!

What was the conclusion that I came up with?: it was the Universe punishing me for not working hard enough. Of course I knew it wasn’t true but that’s how it felt, so please don’t say I shouldn’t be thinking this way (which is an expression a counsellor used once with me) because this is how I think. And why I said the punishment was for not working hard enough? I was really trying, but the truth is, with our black and white thinking it may sometimes be difficult to establish what is and what isn’t good enough. I can possibly say that, if I didn’t pass out at the end of my shift I could have work harder – I guess you can see some logic in this thinking.

So the result of punishing us by taking things or activities away from us could be that we decide that we need to always be on our best behaviour to succeed in life, our intentions have to always be pure and we can never put ourselves first. And then we see neurotypical people who are not like that at all and they get what they want. How does that feel?

Let’s take the example of Home Group again. If you only just started reading my blog, I’ll quickly explain what happened: Home Group is a large housing association and disability confident employer. I worked for them between 2015 and 2017. I was bullied by a colleague and, because bulling happens to autistics people more often than to neurotypicals, I asked my GP for autism referral diagnosis and then the diagnostic centre to bring my diagnosis forward due to work situation, which they agreed to do (big mistake!) and, as that didn’t stop the bulling, I left and took Home Group to employment tribunal where they claimed my diagnosis was private and they paid for it. I could have won easily, if I didn’t end up in psychiatric hospital. Oh well…

I realised that I’m autistic in September 2015, sometimes between my interview for Home Group job and the starting date. The job was meant to require loads of contact with people and, as I applied for it I was hoping to use that to learn how to be more social – which is not unusual expectation for undiagnosed autistics. When I realised I’m autistic, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. But I needed a job and also, I was hoping that maybe, with better understanding of myself I’d be able to apply some coping strategies that make working there possible for me.

At the time I didn’t want a diagnosis and if I wasn’t being bullied I’d probably still not have it till now. But believe me, I used to wonder so many times that possibly what happened to me later was a punishment for the fact that my intentions weren’t pure and I didn’t reject the job offer on realising I’m autistic.

The person who was bulling me got promoted to a manager position and now, Mark Henderson, the CEO of Home Group, doesn’t even bother to answer my emails and I never even heard ‘I’m sorry’ while Home Group continues to take government money to support people with mental health problems.

Yet, it was me who believed that I deserved to be punished. Does that make any sense to you?

That’s why I really do not think punishment should ever be used as a way to deal with autistic people. I don’t know what can be used instead but possibly there are researchers out there who can answer this question.

Mum is going to heaven

I posted a few times about how I understand symbols and how they help me identify my emotions. I actually regret now that I didn’t give that topic a separate tag – they are all under communication tag. I may go back to those posts and rectify that but it won’t be today.

Just to make it clear, I never read anywhere about how autistics understand symbols, I guess there was no research on that, especially on how we can use symbols to identity our emotions, I bet no one would come up with that and even if someone would, it would be difficult to execute. Therefore I write about myself here but I assume the same applies to other autistic people.

So, there was this Redecor design released recently, a large bed with canopy that reminded me of excess fabric used in Catholic Church for various occasions and the pillow in the middle of the bed looked like somebody’s head. I mean, who puts pillow in the middle of the bed? Even I don’t, there are two pillows on the right and two on the left. There can be small, decorative pillow in the middle, but this one looked like standard pillow, therefore, together with the duvet it reminded me of someone laying down there, someone who doesn’t have much life left as the pillow was rather flat.

I want to emphasize here that when I saw this design I didn’t do all this complicated thinking consciously, I just felt that the pillow looks like someone who’s at the end of their life and I only explain now to the readers how my judgment got me to make this connection. I hope that is quite clear.

That’s the design I’m talking about

At first I was put off by that and didn’t want to do this design but then I decided to do it in a way that would emphasize my emotions and I’m quite glad with the result. Gentle florals and sky (sky and heaven are the same word in Polish, ‘niebo’) belong to the new world, this one where my mum is going to; while the check on the bottom pillows and sheet is a heavy pattern so it stays in here, on earth. I hope you can follow my understanding of patterns.

Doing this design helped me to process my emotions and accept the situation I am in: Yes, my mum is at the end of her life, but she’s going to heaven, so it’s a good thing. I can’t keep here here, with me, forever. She needs to go when she’s ready, she’ll be much happier there, surrounded by clouds and flowers, looking out at me from above. It will be much better for everyone involved.

I hope the above explanation makes some sense to you. If it doesn’t, that’s ok, but please remember I’m autistic and I possibly think in a different way to you. The fact that you can’t follow my thought process doesn’t mean that I’m weird.

Complex family dynamics

Trigger warning: mentions possibility of suicide in the family

I didn’t write about my brother for quite a while, I guess I maybe mentioned him once or twice since I had to leave our family home and move to the hostel back in September. He is not a glamorous person to write about: he is a heavy drinker, this type who prefers to spend money on alcohol rather than food (not to mention house repairs), he showers probably a couple of times a year and has a history of stealing money from both me and my mum, although, up to the time my dad died those were mostly small sums.

I really don’t know how to deal with him, now, when mum doesn’t support him any more. He doesn’t cause me any direct troubles like arguments (he argued with mum a lot) because, I guess, I never tell him to stop drinking. I’d like him to stop, obviously, but I know me giving him lectures is not going to help. He was on detox once but only because my mum organised that through court (it took her around two years). If asked he says he likes drinking, doesn’t want to stop and he has everything under control. One of his favourite saying is ‘I’m one level above everyone else’.

I allow myself to write about him because I know he’s never going to read it. Neither him, nor any of his mates know a word of English and people in my village who could actually read my blog will never repeat to my brother what I wrote about him. I believe it’s important to discuss those matters openly because hardly anyone does, certainly not people who are active addicts and their families are reluctant too, and I can understand why.

I don’t know how my brother came to that situation that he is in now. He used to have some mates who would drink every weekend when he was younger, and, quite frankly, drinking was a very popular way of spending free time for young men at the time in Poland, especially men who didn’t have good education. Yet, those guys are not my brother’s mate any more. It seems they moved on. Possibly they still drink occasionally, I’m not saying they don’t but they found permanent jobs and started families. My brother pretty much only works when he needs money for beer, or possibly for vodka. He also buys cigarettes and some cheap food items of course but his clothes are what he got from others and apart from old type of mobile phone he has no personal possessions.

I don’t know what feelings I have towards him, mostly I want him to disappear somehow, but that’s not a feeling, is it? I don’t know if I love him, although I certainly did when I was younger, I don’t know if I’m angry with him, although I certainly was when I had to deal with him face to face or see the state of the house as he lives by himself. But when I don’t get to see him I rarely think of him.

A couple of weeks ago I started noticing strange feelings when doing some of the Redecor designs: dread and fear when I saw freestanding lamp as a part of the design, one where lampshade appeared to be hanging (I will not be attaching any images in this case). It made me think every time that it appeared like if someone hanged themselves. Where are those thoughts coming from, I thought? And today, after seeing another one of those lamps, I thought about my brother.

It was really scary. How will you feel if this is really going to happen to him? I would most certainly feel guilty for trying to delete him from our family dynamic. It seems like life without him would be easier, but of course I don’t want him to die, certainly not this way.

I called him and told him, the first time today, that I moved mum to the private care home in Studzianki due to overcrowding in the government one and mum’s savings are covering the fees. I thought he would be angry and would start swearing but he just said he already knows. He didn’t express any opinions on the matter of money and said he’s going to cope.

I really hope he will. But I doubt I can do much more than that. He became very skilled in twisting every situation into ‘It’s all your fault and I’m going to show you that, whatever you do, I’m going to ruin my life because of you’.

It seems to me that was my brother’s solution for our difficult family situation. When I was planning how to get out of the house for good, he was planning how to make everyone guilty for the fact he’s not coping.

I don’t know if anything can be done about that now. I don’t feel like I’m the person who can help. Possibly he needs to help himself first but… he has no social support. His friends are men who lost touch with reality the same way he did. Btw, they’re not the same people who he used to mixed with when he was a young adult, as I said those moved on. It’s a village. If my brother stopped drinking, his current mates would start laughing at him and it takes time to prove to other people that he changed. So trying to be sober will only alienate him.

I really wish it was possible but I doubt he’s going to make it and the only option I have is to stop behaving like I want to delete him, so that I don’t feel guilty when something happens.

And why the thought came to me when I saw a particular design of a lampshade? Because we, autistics may not understand our emotions, but we’re good at understanding symbols. Have you ever played the hangman game? That’s how the lamp looked to me.

But it only made me aware of certain fears because I already had them in me, I just wasn’t aware of them. If I didn’t have any worries about my brother no symbol would do anything to bring them on.

My body doesn’t exist (and how I understand symbols)

So, before I move on to what this post is going to be about, which is a bit embarrassing, I will start with explanation that I don’t really have much of an awareness of my physical body and therefore I don’t worry about my health too much. I don’t know how to explain that but possibly, on a certain level, I don’t really get that my body actually exist. The same like money doesn’t exist: as long as I have enough I’m not really bothered. The fraud that my mum was a victim of is actually a good lesson here – yes, money exist, if it doesn’t I wouldn’t be getting upset about it. But at some point a few years ago I didn’t even know how much I earn. I used to do overtime and get tired a lot, but I wasn’t doing it because I needed more money, I was doing it because no one else wanted to cover shifts and I felt responsible.

So the same like I don’t have an awareness of money, I don’t have an awareness of my body. As long as it doesn’t give me any troubles I’m not bothered. Letters like ‘if you don’t go for a certain check up we’ll discharge you’ I comment with: oh, go on then, one less establishment to worry about (said to myself of course as I wouldn’t actually go into trouble of replying). I do not seem to understand that this approach can give me problems later. I’m fine at that certain moment and that’s all that matters.

What I wanted to write about is I have very bad teeth. When I was a child the only toothpaste that was available (communism, remember?) tasted horrible and was making me feel sick so obviously I avoided brushing my teeth as much as I could or I only brushed at the front (front teeth are fine). The other thing is that we drank loads of tea with lemon, as long as lemon was available (and it was a lot of times, not like oranges) and ate sauerkraut almost daily. I didn’t know that acid damages teeth till I was in my early 20s, earlier on we could only hear that sugar is bad for teeth. I am not sure if the awareness of how bad acid is was not there at the time or if it was our government that was protecting us from it but the thing is, most Polish people of my age have bad teeth, and actually there were two girls in my class that qualified for false teeth at the end of primary school, which then of course made me think that I’m not too bad so no need to worry.

By now most of my back teeth had root feelings done and unfortunately, some time ago (like 4 years or so) infection came back for 2 of my teeth. I didn’t even know that was possible – I thought if root feeling is done, that’s it, the tooth will not give me any more troubles till it breaks!

So basically treatment for those teeth is not available under NHS now, I’d have to go private and it would have to be endodontist. On NHS I can only get an extraction. The last time I spoke with the dentist about it he said the infection didn’t spread yet so possibly I could do those teeth in Poland the next time I’m there as it will be cheaper. And that was it… I’m not doing anything, I thought. Going to another dentist, explaining what the problem is, being sent for an x-ray to the hospital (dentists don’t usually have them in Poland, as the treatment is cheaper they can’t afford all the equipment).

I personally used to know a person who lost all their upper teeth due to an infection that didn’t appear to give him any troubles, and yet, that didn’t make me do anything about mine. In a way, I guess, I’d welcome this outcome as I’d have to get all the teeth removed at once instead of worrying about them individually.

And then, last week, The Friend told me about the trip abroad she took with her students: they had to move to another hotel because there were bed bugs where they were staying. One student ended up in a hospital with an allergic reaction and she had to go with him and spent the entire night there. She said bed bugs like warm and clean environment. Clean, I asked? That means cleaning is not going to help… like with my teeth!

And do I really want to put The Friend in a situation when she comes over to visit and I’ll have a dental emergency? No, not after what she has just been through with her students! She also said that the guy who had an allergic reaction saw some signs that something is wrong (I already forgot what they were) but he ignored it. Typical for a man, she said. And me, I thought to myself.

She said they had to move to another hotel and it wasn’t so nice. That didn’t sound too positive and made me aware I can even die. Does that make any sense to you? How come someone else bed bugs made me finally realise I need to make a dentist appointment? I guess it only worked because subconsciously I am worried about my teeth. If I didn’t, the story wouldn’t have any impact on me.

So I went to the dentist yesterday but was told they can’t give me an appointment without confirming with the manager first as I wasn’t there for over two years (I kind of have this idea it’s actually been longer than that but I don’t remember). That’s a strange arrangement, I thought. Normally they discharge you but if you’re not discharged appointments are always available. And yet I’m here in the situation when I’m not discharged, and yet I can’t have an appointment. As the manager wasn’t in nothing could be done so I left. I have to either call them today ( as I will be working in a hotel so won’t make it before the dentist closes) or go in person when I’m off, which I already don’t remember, is either tomorrow or the day after.

I don’t know yet if I want to get those teeth removed or treated. Quite honestly, I’m fed up with my teeth and possibly having a denture at some point in the future is not going to be a bad idea. I’d like some honest opinion on that. Some people apparently complain that with dentures they can’t eat some food. Well, is that the only problem? I bet I don’t eat those food anyway due to sensory issues. Although I do worry the denture may not fit properly as my mum had loads of problems with her at times.

Home at last

I felt very weird when I went into my flat yesterday, it seemed like something is different. I remember thinking to myself ‘this is your home now’. I never thought about it as my home, home was in Smardzewice, the flat in Swindon was only a place where I lived. I suppose now, after I took myself of the register of inhabitants in the council in Tomaszów Mazowiecki (so I removed the symbol) my flat feels more like a place where I belong, as I need to belong somewhere.

I wonder if neurotypicals have such difficulties with adjusting to calling their new place a home?

I wonder what is going to happen to my blog now, when I’m back, so things will be more stable, with much less emotions to write about?

I need to look for a job and I won’t be able to write about that, I guess, as I need to keep things confidential. Oh, btw, I didn’t get barred by DBS so I can continue to look for a job in care. And now the problem is: when do I tell my prospective employer about the fact that I’m autistic? I want to be understood and accepted for who I am and don’t want to end up in an environment where being bubbly is en quivalent to being caring while noticing that bath chair looks like it may be getting broken is seen as creating problems.

Kraków, Main Square

I often felt like there is no space for the real me in my last job, and yet, I continued to stay there. I didn’t have much hope I suppose that things will be different somewhere else, but I also didn’t know how to advocate for myself. I’m not entirely sure how to do that now and part of me wants to delete this blog and just continue to pretend I’m not autistic, I’m like everyone else, just a bit different at times but certainly not autistic. But then, if I do that, things will never get better for me.

I finally slept 8h last night and woke up in a normal mood with no anxiety. Things will get better, I know now. I just need to find a job, one where I can be myself.

I didn’t post anything about Kraków, but, apart from the fact I was worried about everything, I had a really good time and the weather was great. If you have a chance one day, certainly go and visit. Kraków is a fantastic city and the train connection to Tomaszów is good, so you can visit it too for half a day.

Nothing will ever be the same again

Tomaszów Mazowiecki, train station, view from the train window

That’s how I feel: there’s something I need to say goodbye to but nothing else is going to appear in this place, or at least nothing positive.

There will be unpaid bills and angry phone calls from my brother. Mum will never cook pierogi for me again. I’m unlikely to ever sleep in my family home again and if I do it won’t be a pleasant experience. I will probably never even have a cup of tea there.

I think my photo album from when I was 18 is there. It feels like a symbol, like I left a piece of me there. Tough, I’m not going back to get it. Maybe I’ll have a chance later but if not, I’ll have to go without. And do I actually need my photos from that time? I was not very happy as 18. I was not very happy most of my life, but I have some memories of good times.

When I was 16, second year of secondary school was good. I was doing well at school, without much effort, I managed to keep my weight stable and I had some good friends. I coped. Up until the end of summer school holiday when I suddenly felt like everything is falling apart again, like if I only thought that I coped but I didn’t. Like if everyone else was more sorted than me.

Those feelings come and go on a regular basis. I think I’m a good girlfriend, friend, student, colleague and I’m being treated like one and then everything changes and I can’t get that feeling back. It could be for example that a new colleague joins the company and all the group dynamic changes and I don’t know what to do with myself any more. It seems like the same jokes that we used to share are not allowed any more, the topic of conversations are suddenly different and I feel out of place. But if I ever mention that to anybody, they’ll most likely say I’m just jealous, that’s it. But I am trully not. I just don’t know what to do with myself.

I’m just not good with change. Everyone else around seems to be able to effortlessly grasp the new dynamic while for me it feels like I need to learn a new language from scratch.

And now I need to deal with another change: an aging parent and an addict brother. It feels like mum is slowly disapearing and my brother is replacing her. Will I get my photos back? My books? The translation of my psychiatric record from the time of my first psychotic episode? It’s on top shelf of my mum’s wardrobe. I’d need it if ‘Me vs The Company’ ended in employment tribunal. It didn’t but I still want that paper. It’s a symbol of something, even if I’m not sure myself what.

I’m on the train to Kraków. I’ll be there for 2 days and nothing, absolutely nothing will ever be the same again.

Me and mum – the last visit this trip

Mum seemed alert today again and yet barely talked to me. She said again she has a feeling everything is going to be well and even that my brother will stop drinking.

She also asked me why I went back to the UK before dad died (that’s a story for another post altogether). I didn’t know he’s going to die, did I? He was still doing quite ok.

At the end of the visit, when I knew I’d have to leave as there’s another visitor coming, I asked her if she wants me to drive her around in the garden, as the weather is really good today. She refused, she said she’s scared she may trip. ‘But mum, you’re in the wheelchair’ I said but she said again she’s scared.

Just a few months ago she used to go shopping all by herself without a shopping list and she almost never forgot anything.

Me and mum on the bus stop in Studzianki

As I was walking back to the bus stop I had that weird feeling that I don’t deserve things. I don’t deserve coffee out, I don’t deserve new clothes or a cinema only because my mum is not well and I’m leaving her.

I took that strange photo while waiting for return bus to Tomaszów. Me and mum, and no, I don’t have a twin sister but I want it to look like I’m protecting her. It’s a symbol that everything is well, even though mum’s mind doesn’t work like it used to.

Isolation of victim

A few weeks ago I posted to Tomaszów Facebook group asking if there is anyone there who’s money also got stolen by Mrs J but I didn’t get a sensible response. A man reached out claiming he can help me get the money back and he said that ‘his neighbour is a lawyer’. I decided to opt out for now.

I don’t suppose the way I think about the fraud is very helpful and logical, even though I’m a logical person most of the time. Well, I suppose I’m logical when I’m not on my autistic instinct, when I possibly see somebody else struggle, but not when I struggle myself.

I suppose, as an autistic, I see my parents land as a symbol of prosperity, as mum was always saying that one day it will be mine. As an autistic I’m focused on symbols because this is what I can easily understand. That’s why the fraud feels like if my prosperity has been taken away from me. I know it’s not true and as long as I get a job I’ll be ok, but I find it difficult to just move on.

Let me clarify that here: it’s not excessive amout of money, with the salary I could get for one of lower paying jobs that I used to do in the UK it wouldn’t even be enough to put a deposit for a house.

So it’s not a life changing sum but I can’t change my thinking. Unless… unless I imagine that the part that has been stolen has gone to my brother and I just never do anything about it. No more contact with the bank, no more contact with the police, just total silence.

I also know that, no matter how much money we will get back, it will always feel wrong, like it won’t be the same money that has been stolen.

I’m not very logical, am I?

I’d really like to speak with other victims and hear how they feel and think. The staff in a bank have themselves to plan all the strategies while I’m totally alienated and alone. It feels bad.


Trigger warning: this post mentions suicidal thoughts.

I read online that talking about suicidal thoughts doesn’t make people any more likely to act on them but I know some readers prefer trigger warning, and that’s absolutely fine.

So I was really struggling mentally and emotionally, walking up early in the morning and feeling like I’m a looser.

Mum seems to be happy in her new care home and is not at all against spending her money on it, it seems like it’s me who has problem with it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret at all that I moved her, the previous place was so small that if just ten percent of residents would get up and want to walk around it would become absolutely chaotic. But I think I saw the money I was supposed to inherit as a symbol of success and now it feels like it’s been taken away from me so that means I’m a looser.

Also I will never be able to visit my family home again, I’ll never cook anything with mum, will probably never eat out with her again. It feels like the positive symbols that I had in life had been taken away from me and there’s nothing to replace them.

Also, I am painfully aware that if I want to visit mum I’d have to stay in the hostel and it cannot be during holiday as they will be fully booked. Also I worry if mum’s bank refund her the money that was stolen, and if it doesn’t I may end up paying for her care myself and it will be a bit difficult doing that every month.

This severely bad mood started two days ago, after I realised I have almost everything sorted. I think, again, this may be my autistic instinct acting out: I’m playing a finite game so, after I ‘won’ there should be a reward. But there isn’t any and that’s why I want to quit life.

I did say on this blog multiple times that we need to replace finite games we’re playing with infinite ones, but that is easier said than done.

My mood was really bad at times, I even emailed Samaritans yesterday, but I didn’t get response yet.

When I was teenager and I’ve heard about people who committed suicide after a loss (like for example their company went bankrupt) I didn’t understand it at all, I thought they still had something to live for, why they just didn’t focus on what is good in their life and slowly rebuild it, now I can see it’s not so straightforward, suicidal thoughts can be almost automatic.

I didn’t really want to post about it at the time, it would probably be too emotional and literal but I don’t want to hide the fact that’s what happened to me: two days full of suicidal thoughts and dread.

At some point when I felt really bad I saw an advert online that displayed some rotating objects and I was shocked how soothing that was for me, so I went on YouTube to look for similar videos and I found a few. My favourite is this one: https://youtu.be/PvM-mpqXllM

S.A.N.D. visual therapy

If you’re not fan of the orange and pink, the second part is done in blues and with a different pattern (like in the image above). You can also look for some more, there doesn’t seem to be loads of them but it should be enough to find something you like.

I watched those videos several times a day and I find them very calming. I switched the sound of to focus on the image entirely but you may like it with the sound on. I do admit, every time I stopped watching, the feeling of dread came back very quickly but after watching them several times I feel much better now. Still not 100%, and I guess that may take time, but I’m much better than I was.

The unusual thing is, since I started blogging about my emotions, I sometimes see flashbacks of text im my head that describe the situation that I am in, or that, possibly I want to be in. That helps me understand how I feel. The text is very short and it looks like if it was printed. Today, shortly after I woke up I saw ‘happy endings’ in my head and I think this is a positive sign.

I want magic

That’s what one of Redecor challenges is called. I read it and thought I want magic too. But magic is not going to happen.

My brother now says he doesn’t want my share of the house, even though it would come with a small piece of land that he could sell. He probably decided it’s better for him to use the house to threaten me that things needs doing and then at some point I’ll still give it all back to him, when he wants it, as I’d be fed up.

I need to go to the council and see what my options are, possibly giving my share to the council is not a bad idea? Although it feels quite extreme, I wanted to have roots and now I am considering giving my share to the council? It doesn’t make any sense in terms of symbols.

I guess, if my brother doesn’t change his mind I can go back to the UK and see how things are going but I don’t really have much hope.

I could at least enquire in the council.

My head hurts horribly, I can barely think. This house is so unpleasant now, I find it impossible to relax.

If I could at least go back to my own flat for a week and then come back here and deal with the rest, it wouldn’t be that bad.

It’s raining again. I feel cold and I crave proper dinner. I suppose I could always cook something, just two portions, for today.

How come one person’s problems can affect several people like that? This constant manipulation and twisting things, I’m fed up.

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