I’m feeling very tired

I did 12h shift yesterday and 6h early shift today. I didn’t get enough sleep yesterday as it was difficult for me to relax after coming home and today I had to wake up early. So in total I had probably 5h of sleep last night. Yet, I’m still coping.

I’m in the middle of my second intermittent fasting day and, although I’m aware I may not be able to make the fast last 24h (I remember it was very difficult to do it twice a week) I know that I will still get benefits from skipping 2 meals, instead of 3. I can also see that I already started having the benefit of eating less between fasting: both yesterday and today after coming back from work I didn’t feel like having a hot chocolate, which was a necessity every time I was tired. So let’s hope I’ll manage to continue with that and there will be no unexpected circumstances getting in the way. However, is it ok to blame circumstances for my eating habits? Should I not take ownership? But then, how do I do that? What do I do to make sure that food doesn’t control me if I can’t control the circumstances around me?

There’s so many situations when I eat even though I’m not hungry. The most bizzare is probably when I feel cold: hot chocolate and a slice of cake may not necessarily warm me up enough (although they sometimes do) but they certainly make the cold more bearable.

What can I do so that cup of tea was sufficient in those situations?

I had a bit of unpleasant situation at work today, that I’m not sure if I should describe here or not. In a way it will be a good example of how I think, as an autistic person, at the same time I feel a bit uneasy blogging about work, even though I won’t be revealing where the situation happened. Possibly I should think about it later on, when I get enough rest, and decide then, and also it will be easier for me to write about it in a calm manner, if I decide to put it on the blog.

Also, I only realised now that I don’t have any shifts next week. Last week I was offered quite a few at once and it looked like there was plenty, but they are spread out over a couple of weeks and somehow I didn’t notice that I don’t have any for an entire week. I don’t know how to explain that: I can look at the dates and see that they are quite a few days apart, yet I don’t understand what that means and only see I have loads of shifts.

Possibly I need to find a good online planner and use it as a tool to organise myself better? I did hear a few times that autistics are better at understanding information provided in a visual form. The problem with online planner is, though, that a lot of them are not very intuitive (or at least not for me) so I get frustrated when trying to use it. I wonder whether there is such a thing as an online planner for autistic people? It would be interesting to see.

So possibly that’s what I’ll be doing next week if I’m not working: I’ll be trying to organise myself! That’s quite an interesting prospect. Quite possibly it would also be a good idea to find another agency to work for, although for that I’d need to be super-hiper organised or I get things messed up.

I got rid of my mum’s insulin from the fridge only a few days ago and cancelled her care home standing order today. I thought both those events will be like symbols that she’s no longer here, I thought they’ll bring closure but instead both of them only irritated me slightly and that was it. There’s no point paying for mum’s care if she passed away, so I need to cancel it before it comes out again – and that was it. It didn’t make me have any deeper feelings.

I remember how I was worried in September that mum’s money are not going to be enough for her care if she lives ‘too long’ and it turned out I only made five payments to the care home. Some people can live for so long sometimes, even though they require 24h care. I wonder now whether mum didn’t die on purpose? She was always looking for ways to save up.

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