I’m getting bitter, I suppose

This is, I think, how my mum’s death affects me (and I’m sorry, I don’t like ‘passed away’ expression, it doesn’t sound definite enough for me, like if the person may still come back).

I don’t miss her. I guess I got used to the fact that I’d never speak to her again, we’d never cook together again or never eat out. I must say here that I was very pro of assisted suicide for a very long time, and this is not something that is being discussed openly in Poland. I mean, only if there was good reason for that. If someone was really sick. However, when my mum’s dementia got bad, I started thinking about this differently: I started seeing it as a time of transition when she’s still here but not here at the same time. I would never want her death to be caused by any other way than nature. It’s really strange that people perception can change like that, isn’t it? We really don’t know much about ourselves at all.

I suppose it will be strange what I’m about to say but seeing that Redecor challenge that I described in ‘Mum is going to heaven’ post (no link attached, sorry, I don’t feel like looking for it) really made me come to terms with my feelings about mum being at the end of her life and I started seeing that as a natural process, even a positive one. It was just an image that was using symbols I knew, nothing more, but it helped me far more than discussing it with therapist would do, even if I talked for hours.

I guess, possibly talking doesn’t really help, us, autistics? I guess it’s because we find words confusing and never know exactly what people mean? It’s just an interpretation but I wonder what my diagnostician, Oriana Morrison-Clarke would say about that.

Obviously, when I blog, I use words so it’s not like I can’t do it at all, but it is a bit of a struggle. Also, sometimes I read something online and I have no idea what it means. Recently I read about ‘linguistic inflation’ which is apparently ‘devaluation of the meaning of words with time.’ What I made of it was that it’s a process where ‘often’ will mean ‘sometimes’ after a while and ‘plenty’ will mean ‘a little bit’. I could not come up with any other explanation for that. Only after reading an article I realised it’s actually about words like ‘epic’ not meaning much any more. Seriously, I’d never come up with that myself, even though I’m aware of how some big words are being used in everyday speech.

Ok, I’m digressing now. What was the post about? That I don’t miss my mum, but still I’m getting bitter. And when I’m getting bitter I moan about other people and how they make me feel bad. I try not to put that on the blog, but then, I blog about how my own family situation makes me feel bad, how Home Group made me feel bad, how sensory issues and food issues make me feel bad and so on. So why general public shoud be excluded from that list? Come on people, you can be right pain sometimes and you should really think about how what you are saying is going to make other feel. Especially if you’re proud of your neurotypical brains.

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