My body doesn’t exist (and how I understand symbols)

So, before I move on to what this post is going to be about, which is a bit embarrassing, I will start with explanation that I don’t really have much of an awareness of my physical body and therefore I don’t worry about my health too much. I don’t know how to explain that but possibly, on a certain level, I don’t really get that my body actually exist. The same like money doesn’t exist: as long as I have enough I’m not really bothered. The fraud that my mum was a victim of is actually a good lesson here – yes, money exist, if it doesn’t I wouldn’t be getting upset about it. But at some point a few years ago I didn’t even know how much I earn. I used to do overtime and get tired a lot, but I wasn’t doing it because I needed more money, I was doing it because no one else wanted to cover shifts and I felt responsible.

So the same like I don’t have an awareness of money, I don’t have an awareness of my body. As long as it doesn’t give me any troubles I’m not bothered. Letters like ‘if you don’t go for a certain check up we’ll discharge you’ I comment with: oh, go on then, one less establishment to worry about (said to myself of course as I wouldn’t actually go into trouble of replying). I do not seem to understand that this approach can give me problems later. I’m fine at that certain moment and that’s all that matters.

What I wanted to write about is I have very bad teeth. When I was a child the only toothpaste that was available (communism, remember?) tasted horrible and was making me feel sick so obviously I avoided brushing my teeth as much as I could or I only brushed at the front (front teeth are fine). The other thing is that we drank loads of tea with lemon, as long as lemon was available (and it was a lot of times, not like oranges) and ate sauerkraut almost daily. I didn’t know that acid damages teeth till I was in my early 20s, earlier on we could only hear that sugar is bad for teeth. I am not sure if the awareness of how bad acid is was not there at the time or if it was our government that was protecting us from it but the thing is, most Polish people of my age have bad teeth, and actually there were two girls in my class that qualified for false teeth at the end of primary school, which then of course made me think that I’m not too bad so no need to worry.

By now most of my back teeth had root feelings done and unfortunately, some time ago (like 4 years or so) infection came back for 2 of my teeth. I didn’t even know that was possible – I thought if root feeling is done, that’s it, the tooth will not give me any more troubles till it breaks!

So basically treatment for those teeth is not available under NHS now, I’d have to go private and it would have to be endodontist. On NHS I can only get an extraction. The last time I spoke with the dentist about it he said the infection didn’t spread yet so possibly I could do those teeth in Poland the next time I’m there as it will be cheaper. And that was it… I’m not doing anything, I thought. Going to another dentist, explaining what the problem is, being sent for an x-ray to the hospital (dentists don’t usually have them in Poland, as the treatment is cheaper they can’t afford all the equipment).

I personally used to know a person who lost all their upper teeth due to an infection that didn’t appear to give him any troubles, and yet, that didn’t make me do anything about mine. In a way, I guess, I’d welcome this outcome as I’d have to get all the teeth removed at once instead of worrying about them individually.

And then, last week, The Friend told me about the trip abroad she took with her students: they had to move to another hotel because there were bed bugs where they were staying. One student ended up in a hospital with an allergic reaction and she had to go with him and spent the entire night there. She said bed bugs like warm and clean environment. Clean, I asked? That means cleaning is not going to help… like with my teeth!

Scary pinkish I don’t know what.

And do I really want to put The Friend in a situation when she comes over to visit and I’ll have a dental emergency? No, not after what she has just been through with her students! She also said that the guy who had an allergic reaction saw some signs that something is wrong (I already forgot what they were) but he ignored it. Typical for a man, she said. And me, I thought to myself.

She said they had to move to another hotel and it wasn’t so nice. That didn’t sound too positive and made me aware I can even die. Does that make any sense to you? How come someone else bed bugs made me finally realise I need to make a dentist appointment? I guess it only worked because subconsciously I am worried about my teeth. If I didn’t, the story wouldn’t have any impact on me.

So I went to the dentist yesterday but was told they can’t give me an appointment without confirming with the manager first as I wasn’t there for over two years (I kind of have this idea it’s actually been longer than that but I don’t remember). That’s a strange arrangement, I thought. Normally they discharge you but if you’re not discharged appointments are always available. And yet I’m here in the situation when I’m not discharged, and yet I can’t have an appointment. As the manager wasn’t in nothing could be done so I left. I have to either call them today ( as I will be working in a hotel so won’t make it before the dentist closes) or go in person when I’m off, which I already don’t remember, is either tomorrow or the day after.

I don’t know yet if I want to get those teeth removed or treated. Quite honestly, I’m fed up with my teeth and possibly having a denture at some point in the future is not going to be a bad idea. I’d like some honest opinion on that. Some people apparently complain that with dentures they can’t eat some food. Well, is that the only problem? I bet I don’t eat those food anyway due to sensory issues. Although I do worry the denture may not fit properly as my mum had loads of problems with her at times.

Author: Magda

I'm an autistic blogger, trying to be an activist and an advocate. Despite my age (born in 1977) I'm still confused about my strengths and weaknesses. Trying to cope with life regardless.

2 thoughts on “My body doesn’t exist (and how I understand symbols)”

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