I already commented on, what I think is John’s quest in our dating game, but I now wonder if I didn’t have one too? To get engaged. Married would be a bit more difficult as we would need to organise somewhere to live together and also it has long term serious consequences while engaged is just a title really, but a nice one to have.

For a few last days I have been thinking a lot about what I don’t like in our relationship; they are often things that didn’t bother me much before. Now I want to change them all. Is it because I’m looking for another quest to complete? It’s hard to say. I know, logically, this behaviour may cause the relationship breakdown but I’m focused on it anyway. It’s not even that I’m doing anything to change those things; I know they won’t be easy to change and talking about them directly is very likely to be met with resistance. I just think about them, that is all.

One of those things is that John is always very supportive and gives me loads of attention when I’m miserable or have problems, but when it comes to choosing things to do, we only do what I want if he wants the same thing, otherwise we’re doing what he wants. He won’t compromise. He never says those things directly though (you see, even though he’s autistic), but he has those two sayings, one is ‘there are options’ and I believe that means he would like to do something but not what I suggested, the other one is ‘I don’t mind, it’s up to you’ and I think that means he doesn’t really want to go out and do stuff at all.

I wonder now whether that is because his oversimplified understanding of romantic relationships tells him that he should be a leader? And what a good leader does? He provides support but makes most of the decisions.

I don’t know what can be done about that. Questioning behaviour based on archetypes is a difficult thing and would very likely end up in a serious argument.

I also wonder now if I have an oversimplified view on romantic relationships but I can’t see anything specific. I don’t know if that is because I don’t or, possibly, it’s in my blind spot.

I feel exhausted and overwhelmed with all of that. I am actually considering I may be going through an autistic burnout.