I felt very weird when I got into my flat yesterday, it seemed like something is different. I remember thinking to myself ‘this is your home now’. I never thought about it as my home, home was in Smardzewice, the flat in Swindon was only a place where I lived. I suppose now, after I took myself of the register of inhabitants in the council in Tomaszów Mazowiecki (so I removed the symbol) my flat feels more like a place where I belong, as I need to belong somewhere.

I wonder if neurotypicals have such difficulties with adjusting to calling their new place a home?

I wonder what is going to happen to my blog now, when I’m back, so things will be more stable, with much less emotions to write about?

I need to look for a job and I won’t be able to write about that, I guess, as I need to keep things confidential. Oh, btw, I didn’t get barred by DBS so I can continue to look for a job in care. And now the problem is: when do I tell my prospective employer about the fact that I’m autistic? I want to be understood and accepted for who I am and don’t want to end up in an environment where being bubbly is en quivalent to being caring while noticing that the bath chair may be getting broken is seen as creating problems.

I often felt like there is no space for the real me in my last job, and yet, I continued to stay there. I didn’t have much hope I suppose that things will be different somewhere else, but I also didn’t know how to advocate for myself. I’m not entirely sure how to do that now and part of me wants to delete this blog and just continue to pretend I’m not autistic, I’m like everyone else, just a bit different at times but certainly not autistic. But then, if I do that, things will never get better for me.

I finally slept 8h last night and woke up in a normal mood with no anxiety. Things will get better, I know now. I just need to find a job, one where I can be myself.

I didn’t post anything about Kraków, but, apart from the fact I was worried about everything, I had a really good time and the weather was great. If you have a chance one day, certainly go and visit. Kraków is a fantastic city and the train connection to Tomaszów is good, so you can visit it too for half a day.