I want to be the breave one!

I still feel really panicky. It seems to me like two hostels bookings not working out is a sign that I should stay (notification) but at the same time I feel like I really want to go, to help my country and our neighbours who are stuck there. I know I won’t be able to do much really. I could buy somebody some clothes or dinner (sending money over doesn’t feel the same). I’m upset that I’m not there, that I’m not part of that.

But at the same time I’m painfully aware of my mental health limitations. I had two stress inducted psychotic episodes in the past. I’m also aware of how lucky I am that I’m managing my mental health without meds now (except of the occasional olanzapine). If I go and something unexpected happens I may not be able to contain my stress and I’d end up in a hospital again. And recovering from psychotic episode takes time. Not to mention all the strange things one may want to do before they end up in hospital.

But I want to go, you know? I want to be the brave one.

So maybe it’s me who’s applying archetypes to new situations? Because this way I understand them better. Or at least I think I am while in fact I’m deluding myself.

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