Flight to Bangkok

I saw an add about discounted flights to Bangkok and thought, let me try to book, just to see how much they are, and return was supposed to start from just over 370 pounds, which is very cheap. However, like it often happens, when I chose my dates and wanted to proceed to booking, the website informed me there’s no flights available. Well, I wouldn’t go anyway, I was just checking.

My resposibility for now is to stay in the UK and wait for my DBS. I was informed by the company that offered me a live in care job, it is still on stage 4, that means at my local police station, and nothing can be done till it’s pass 90 days. 90 days, I didn’t even know it could be that long! Hopefully it won’t get to that. I think it’s been 30 now.

I had loads of energy yesterday and I attributed it to my SAD lamp. I was thinking, if it continues like that, tidying will become my new hobby. Today, however, I feel somehow tired, and I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t use the lamp properly as The Boyfriend was here and socket is on the side of the bed that he normally uses, or maybe we need to get tired from time to time to get rest. I really don’t know, but I also started having the impression that my joints are not as stiff as they used to be. Hard to say if this can also be attributed to the lamp, I never read anything about it.

Yesterday I read an article on BBC about two British female celebrities who admitted to be diagnosed autistic as adults. They were television presenter Melanie Sykes and Christine McGuiness, a model. I am really pleased to hear about those two, even though before reading that article I never heard of them (I’m not interested in celebrities and hardly ever watch TV). I really think this is very important for how autism is being potrayed in the media: neither of them ‘look autistic’, they both wear make up and nice clothes, cope in the public eye and, I suppose, are not obsessed with train time tables. And yet, they’re autistic. I’d like to thank to both of them from here for revealing that. I may later on go on YouTube and watch some videos with them to see how they cope with talking to other people, but I don’t promise that.

Guess what’s my favourite colour?

I was quite sad when The Boyfriend was here, but didn’t want to tell him anything. I was thinking a lot about the fraud my mum become a victim, and how patronising is the fact that I now have to make any effort at all to get the money back. I was thinking that I don’t deserve it and that it all wasn’t meant to be like that at all. Selling the land my mum owned was supposed to bring us joy, not trouble. It all was meant to be different.

Like with Home Group, I suppose, which was meant to be a stepping stone to a career for me and instead was a stepping stone to madness. Thank god, I’m not mad now. And also not most of the time (I wouldn’t book that flight to Bangkok, I promise!).

I was wondering if I should have a go at making my own Christmas pudding, you know, made of carrots, parsnips, beetroots and zucchini but The Boyfriend said it would need time to mature, but how is this a problem? We could eat it for Easter instead. I absolutely love Christmas pudding and could easily eat it 5 times a week, although, I suppose, if I use the ingredients I mentioned, instead of traditional ones, it may not be as exciting.

I was also wondering lately how come me, with first class bachelor degree in computer science and some other courses in maths and physics, work as a cleaner, even if that’s only temporary. I don’t suppose autism can be directly blamed for it, although I do admit, I suck at interviews, but the fact that I’m terrible with computers, don’t understand maths at all and absolutely hate physics is probably what should be to blame. So how come I got as far as successfully studying those subjects at the university? I guess, that’s where autism was involved: I’m very good at copying what I see and maths, IT and physics are so easy to approach this way! Other people behaviour can also be copied but this is a bit more complicated and there’s so many exceptions!

But the fact that I can repeat even the most complicated sequence of steps to get to the correct solution, doesn’t mean that I know why the steps were there to begin with (although I can see if something fits or if it doesn’t), and then when it comes to apply what I learned this way to a new problem, I can’t do it. I can only do something that is similar to what I’ve already seen. If there was a job somewhere that woud pay for solvig the same type of problems over and over, I would be great at it, but don’t expect me to deal with things that are new!

Mixture of patterns, as most of the time

This is not to mention that every autistic person who seems to be great at maths is going to experience this problem, and I really do hope most of them would cope with new problems too, but I think it is important for parents and educators alike to understand that if we sometimes say we feel we’re not good at something, this may in fact be true, even though what they see suggests the opposite.

As usual my today post is a bit about everything. When I just started blogging I was trying to be organised and only post about one thing at the time, but then it felt like I was trying to become an institution, while I’m most certainly a person, even if an autistic one. And as a person I have a mind that wanders. So now, I’m just about to have a cup of tea. 99p per 50 teabags assam tea from Lidl. When I was working full time I used to get Twinings tea, which cost a bit more. Maybe not as much considering I’d only have a couple of cups a day, but when one doesn’t have permanent, full time job, watching every purchase suddenly becomes important.

Fingers crossed my DBS comes back this coming week. I’m really bored of not having ‘a proper job’ and I guess I’m ready for another challenge.

I do think sometimes though I am really glad I’ve been sacked. I’d never move on otherwise and this blog wouldn’t exist. Not that I have many readers, at least for now…

Feeling pressured and ways to relax

Good few weeks ago I was referred to an employment support service by my psychiatric nurse and I now feel pressured by my consultant. I did tell her I would want to change career and now I feel like she wants that more than me. I don’t know, possibly she’s trying to be energetic to make me feel confident but it really doesn’t work. It feels to me like I’m not allowed any second thoughts or doubts. I did like her decisiveness to begin with, now it feels like it’s getting in the way of me communicating my real thoughts and feelings.

I don’t know how to tell her that without sounding rude and ungrateful, so I will possibly not say anything, but it comes to my mind from time to time that this service is there for me to benefit from, not for her to demonstrate how effective she is in placing me in a job that I won’t like but once thought I could enjoy.

Today is probably a first day that I actually miss my old job, this one that I got sacked from. I did like most of it’s aspects – I say it even though I realised I needed a change. I even started missing some of the workplace politics and ever changing team dynamics. In my current job I manage to avoid all of that, which is very easy as I’m ‘just a cleaner’ so there is no need or even an opportunity for me to participate in any team work, plus it’s only temporary agency placement. However, after being there for a week I realised I still don’t even know who the manager is, so this is probably as far from workplace politics as one can get and I decided I don’t particularly like that either.

My DBS (criminal record check needed for work in care) is still not back and this is the longest I’ve ever waited, I think. Me and The Boyfriend decided that if I get live in care job placement for Christmas, I’ll take it. He’s concerned about the fact that I need to earn money, I’m more focused on the fact that I wouldn’t even enjoy Christmas after having so much time off already. Therefore we will be eating various Christmas food over the next few weeks when we meet, so that we don’t feel like we’re missing on anything.

Despite having said that my SAD therapy lamp is working and giving me energy, I had to have a nap in the afternoon today. Also, I haven’t been to the gym since I started my cleaning job, but I may go tomorrow.


I came back to my habit of baking ‘healthy muffins’, recently I baked chocolate beetroot muffins and they had such a lovely texture and were very moist, better than any regular cake I ever tried, however they really smelled like beetroot! Today, two days after I baked them most of that smell disappeared and they are lovely, so I had two of them (not at the same time) with some sweetened apple sauce on the side. Next time I’m going to try zucchini muffins, hopefully they will be as moist but without any strange smell.

I use mixture of gluten free flours in my baking, but not due to any health reasons but because, apparently, gluten is what makes cakes go stale quickly and I don’t want to have the feeling that ‘I need to eat those muffins’ and indeed, they keep very well in the fridge and are always soft after I warm them up gently in the microwave.

The above reminds me, I was meant to write a post about how I’m managing my eating habits, but this needs to wait till when I get an urge to write about that, and possibly, after I loose another tiny bit of weight (yes, I lost some already).

It feels quite cold out there every time I’m outside, but yet, I’m managing without heating most of the time, which is not like me. I am oversensitive to cold and I was told it’s due to being autistic, but I didn’t really have this problem till my early 20s, so possibly it’s something to do with hormones or maybe stress levels. It would be nice not to feel cold that much any more, however, I would then be tempted to wear short sleeves much more often in summer and my scars on my lower left arm will be easily visible. They are from a couple of episodes of self-harming that I had when I was younger. I used to wear silicone patches that really helped to flaten the scars and I have a tattoo, but the tattoo artist didn’t do very good job and some of the scars are still visible, which will obviously only make people think the tattoo is covering the rest of them. With all the talk about mental health awareness, and even me writing about it here, I don’t feel like I’m ready for people to see my scars and have an opinion on them, an opinion that they will obviously not share with me.

After having a good few days away from Redecor, when I only did challenges that I found particularly interesting, I’m back on it and I did a couple of unusual designs again. This app is such a good creative outlet for me that I stopped doing other arts and crafts projects. Which is probably for the best as, with my bad executive functioning, I used to end up with loads of mess. Once I even damaged my bath enamel with some art experiments (I was trying to remove some paint layers from canvas and thought I’d do it in the bath to avoid mess everywhere else. How the enamel got damaged in the process, I don’t really know). I may try looking for other ways to create digital images out of patterns when I’ve got time.


I wonder how long resting after two warehouse shifts can take. I didn’t work yesterday so I thought I’d be ok today but I think I’m even more tired. I wonder what that actually is: dyspraxia, that can apparently cause fatigue, peri menopause or maybe I suffer some kind of mild chronic fatigue syndrome? I say mild because I managed two shifts in a warehouse.

I didn’t even get out of bed properly today, even moving to a sofa seemed like too much trouble. I only have two teabags left and I decided I’m not going shopping today, I’d rather drink camomile that I bought sometime ago but rarely use.

I was thinking yesterday whether I don’t explain too many things by being autistic. After I got sacked from my last care job I had an idea that I can’t work in care because I’m autistic, and yet I worked there for like 10 years or maybe even more. Possiby if I really couldn’t do it, I knew that much earlier? Like yesterday I knew within 5 minutes I was not suitable to move pallets using pallet truck.

What I really cannot do is the politics and we had loads of that in my last job. So possibly I need to find a job that doesn’t have much of that and be ready to leave if I see the situation is changing for worse.

That’s not my bedroom but I wish I was. Maybe all the patterns would stimulate me enough to get out of bed.

Some people, quite frankly, only seem to be coming to work to do politics and do the actual work on the side. Nothing I can do about it and I have a lesson now that if this is happening it’s time to move.

I may be somehow reluctant to change, all the things that need to be done to change job seem so overwhelming that I see it as easier to stay even if I don’t like it any more. So, to make things easier I decided to sign up to updated DBS service as long as I get my certificate.

I really need to remember for the future: if I don’t like my job it’s time to move. It applies to everyone, whether they’re autistic or not.

I hope I’ll feel better tomorrow, because today I really felt too tired to even make myself a drink. I finally made it like an hour later.

I cancelled my shift

Around 2am it finally occurred to me that I won’t be able to continue as a hotel housekeeper, at least not in this hotel and not for so many hours. Especially after not having slept properly. So I emailed the guy from the agency to let him know that I won’t be back but I presume the agency opens at 9am and my shift is supposed to start at 8.30 and I haven’t been given any emergency number to call.

I always had problems with cancelling shifts/calling in sick. It always felt to me that I’m putting the workplace under enormous strain so I’d only do that when I felt like I really can’t cope, if I felt like I am somehow managing I always choose to turn up, which was not necessarily appreciated by others the way I thought it would be. I mean I earned myself an image of someone who’s always ready to work and I was often called in on the last moment, when someone else cancelled and if it happened to me that I had to refuse, some colleagues would get funny with me.

During the night I started having the same chest pain that I always get when I overexert myself. I first started having it when I was a teenager and had to work really hard on my parents farm. The farm wasn’t very big and most days we didn’t have much to do at all but when the time came we had to work several hours a day for 3-4 days in a row. So that’s how my chest pain first started. Then it was that bike ride to Łódź that I took in my early 20s, merely 70km one way. Then, later, in my early 30s I was told by my trainer at the gym that it’s best to do exercises without any breaks as they’re more effective and the same thing happened. The pain is specifically on the left side and only appears the next day, it may take 2-3 days for it to go away. I never had it checked up and from what I can read online about chest pain after overexertion, what I feel is not similar to anything else.

I need a bit of optimism today

The pain is also accompanied by feeling of rather strong depressive thoughts that are now all about my inability to keep a job. Quite frankly, I feel, I’d be much better off never accepting this booking as I now have the impression that I am incapable of any work at all.

I wonder if the heart issue can be due to dyspraxia. People with dyspraxia have problems with their coordination but they also have weaker muscles and heart is a muscle. Possibly I should go to doctor but, like with most things, I bet they’d do some tests and all of them would come back fine. Maybe the tests should be done when I actually experience the pain, but I’d rather avoid causing it.

So I can’t do jobs that are socially demanding and also those that are physically demanding. What I’m supposed to do then?

The fact that I actually have first class bachelor degree in computer science feels very heavy now. I didn’t work in IT since I left Poland, which was 2007 but quite frankly I wouldn’t be able to do it either. The constant changes are something that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with. When I was choosing subject to study I didn’t know I’m autistic, but quite frankly even if I knew it wouldn’t change anything as there is such a low awarness of what having autism is actually like. Loads of people, including career coaches, believe that working in IT is a perfect job for an autistic person, and for some it certainly is. But I, personally, couldn’t keep up with the constant changes: you learn something one day and 3 months later it’s already considered out of date. I didn’t know I’d find it so difficult, I learn very quickly so it shouldn’t be a problem to learn new thing every couple of weeks. I guess it wasn’t even that, it was the fact that I was required to reject the knowledge I already had. That was something that I could not do.

Overworked and lonely

I woke up after barely 3h of sleep and can’t fall back asleep again. That means I overworked myself yesterday, that’s what always happens after I’ve been working too hard. I’m wondering if I should actually even go for another shift as it will be very difficult after yesterday and not having enough sleep.

I found the beds the most difficult to do, duvets never wanted to settle nicely in duvet covers and the more beds I did the worse it got. That’s dyspraxia for you.

Yesterday evening, after I came home, I started feeling extremely lonely and I don’t understand where the feeling is coming from. Yes, I spent the day on my own but I spend majority of my days on my own and I never feel like that. Possibly it’s due to the fact that I start understanding that the time is passing by and I’ll never have family of my own. Possibly its because The Boyfriend suddenly developed some health problems, that I’d rather not reveal here to protect his privacy. It’s nothing extremely serious and he continues to work, just taking regular breaks but it may have an impact on him for several months and I suddenly think how fragile we all are.

Also I received a letter from mum’s bank, the response for yet another complaint that I sent when I was in Poland. I don’t want to know what’s in it. It probably won’t be what I want to read. Yet again I feel how insignificant I am: it’s so easy to ignore my concerns.

Too late to take a sleeping tablet. I don’t know how I’m going to cope at work.

My body doesn’t exist (and how I understand symbols)

So, before I move on to what this post is going to be about, which is a bit embarrassing, I will start with explanation that I don’t really have much of an awareness of my physical body and therefore I don’t worry about my health too much. I don’t know how to explain that but possibly, on a certain level, I don’t really get that my body actually exist. The same like money doesn’t exist: as long as I have enough I’m not really bothered. The fraud that my mum was a victim of is actually a good lesson here – yes, money exist, if it doesn’t I wouldn’t be getting upset about it. But at some point a few years ago I didn’t even know how much I earn. I used to do overtime and get tired a lot, but I wasn’t doing it because I needed more money, I was doing it because no one else wanted to cover shifts and I felt responsible.

So the same like I don’t have an awareness of money, I don’t have an awareness of my body. As long as it doesn’t give me any troubles I’m not bothered. Letters like ‘if you don’t go for a certain check up we’ll discharge you’ I comment with: oh, go on then, one less establishment to worry about (said to myself of course as I wouldn’t actually go into trouble of replying). I do not seem to understand that this approach can give me problems later. I’m fine at that certain moment and that’s all that matters.

What I wanted to write about is I have very bad teeth. When I was a child the only toothpaste that was available (communism, remember?) tasted horrible and was making me feel sick so obviously I avoided brushing my teeth as much as I could or I only brushed at the front (front teeth are fine). The other thing is that we drank loads of tea with lemon, as long as lemon was available (and it was a lot of times, not like oranges) and ate sauerkraut almost daily. I didn’t know that acid damages teeth till I was in my early 20s, earlier on we could only hear that sugar is bad for teeth. I am not sure if the awareness of how bad acid is was not there at the time or if it was our government that was protecting us from it but the thing is, most Polish people of my age have bad teeth, and actually there were two girls in my class that qualified for false teeth at the end of primary school, which then of course made me think that I’m not too bad so no need to worry.

By now most of my back teeth had root feelings done and unfortunately, some time ago (like 4 years or so) infection came back for 2 of my teeth. I didn’t even know that was possible – I thought if root feeling is done, that’s it, the tooth will not give me any more troubles till it breaks!

So basically treatment for those teeth is not available under NHS now, I’d have to go private and it would have to be endodontist. On NHS I can only get an extraction. The last time I spoke with the dentist about it he said the infection didn’t spread yet so possibly I could do those teeth in Poland the next time I’m there as it will be cheaper. And that was it… I’m not doing anything, I thought. Going to another dentist, explaining what the problem is, being sent for an x-ray to the hospital (dentists don’t usually have them in Poland, as the treatment is cheaper they can’t afford all the equipment).

I personally used to know a person who lost all their upper teeth due to an infection that didn’t appear to give him any troubles, and yet, that didn’t make me do anything about mine. In a way, I guess, I’d welcome this outcome as I’d have to get all the teeth removed at once instead of worrying about them individually.

And then, last week, The Friend told me about the trip abroad she took with her students: they had to move to another hotel because there were bed bugs where they were staying. One student ended up in a hospital with an allergic reaction and she had to go with him and spent the entire night there. She said bed bugs like warm and clean environment. Clean, I asked? That means cleaning is not going to help… like with my teeth!

Scary pinkish I don’t know what.

And do I really want to put The Friend in a situation when she comes over to visit and I’ll have a dental emergency? No, not after what she has just been through with her students! She also said that the guy who had an allergic reaction saw some signs that something is wrong (I already forgot what they were) but he ignored it. Typical for a man, she said. And me, I thought to myself.

She said they had to move to another hotel and it wasn’t so nice. That didn’t sound too positive and made me aware I can even die. Does that make any sense to you? How come someone else bed bugs made me finally realise I need to make a dentist appointment? I guess it only worked because subconsciously I am worried about my teeth. If I didn’t, the story wouldn’t have any impact on me.

So I went to the dentist yesterday but was told they can’t give me an appointment without confirming with the manager first as I wasn’t there for over two years (I kind of have this idea it’s actually been longer than that but I don’t remember). That’s a strange arrangement, I thought. Normally they discharge you but if you’re not discharged appointments are always available. And yet I’m here in the situation when I’m not discharged, and yet I can’t have an appointment. As the manager wasn’t in nothing could be done so I left. I have to either call them today ( as I will be working in a hotel so won’t make it before the dentist closes) or go in person when I’m off, which I already don’t remember, is either tomorrow or the day after.

I don’t know yet if I want to get those teeth removed or treated. Quite honestly, I’m fed up with my teeth and possibly having a denture at some point in the future is not going to be a bad idea. I’d like some honest opinion on that. Some people apparently complain that with dentures they can’t eat some food. Well, is that the only problem? I bet I don’t eat those food anyway due to sensory issues. Although I do worry the denture may not fit properly as my mum had loads of problems with her at times.

My weight

Ok, let’s get it out of the way: I am like 2 stone (14kg) above what I consider to be my ideal weight. There is so much talk about body positivity now that wasn’t there when I was growing up that it feels like it shouldn’t be a problem but one thing that is never mentioned is that I (so I presume other overweight people too) often experience feeling of mild ache around my stomach area that was never there when I was lighter.

What I don’t like in particular is waking up feeling full. When I was my ideal weight (by which I don’t mean skinny) I used to wake up feeling like I’m ready for breakfast and I also experienced more joy out of my meals, things just seemed to be this tiny little bit tastier.

Yet, the last couple of years I cannot successfully loose any weight. When I buy a packet of biscuits I need to really watch myself so that I don’t eat it all within 2 days, the same apply to chocolate. I stopped attempting to even go on a diet because, although it can be very effective for a while, it never works long term.

Every time when I have less of a control over what goes on my plate (like when I’m on holiday or if I work somewhere where meals are provided) I experience a crisis that completely ruins my healthy habits.

The other thing is, however, my all or nothing, autistics way of thinking: if I want to be slimmer and healthier I can’t possibly have a ready meal for dinner – that’s what I think when I’m at the supermarket. I get home and realise I’m too tired to cook so I am ending up eating biscuits.

Possibly I need more patterns in my dining area?

It’s only been those couple of months recently that I realised that instead of following rituals that may work short term but are in fact limiting my life (like calorie counting or intermittent fasting) I should make healthy eating enjoyable and easy. There’s nothing wrong with having a tinned soup for lunch and knowing that it only contains 160kcal gives me an indication that it’s not going to be quite enough so I need like slice of bread and some fried chicken with it. Being realistic is very important.

Doing this, however, didn’t really make me loose any weight. It seems like there’s still too much food that I’m putting into my digestive system for my metabolism to handle. And if I have to be quite honest I’d like to be able to choose my timing of meals and what I eat based on how hungry I am. But then what happens is, I feel like I’m never going to be hungry again, even if I stopped eating for good, which of course triggers a massive Fear Of Missing Out, which again ruins everything.

I never really had healthy relationship with food. I have lactose intolerance that I was unaware of till my early 20s and my main symptoms is a horrible pain in the stomach that mimics hunger pangs. And, to make matter more complicated, I was brought up on a farm with a milky cow. We were drinking milk around the clock, like some other people drink wine on weekends.

Funnily enough, most of that time I was slimmer that I am now and I really do not know what happened. Possibly I just eat too much for what I need, even though I don’t have any hunger pangs now and possibly I need to admit that. But what really puts me off another attempt on loosing weight is the fact that I’d have to, once again, use mental effort to control my food intake. This is really not working long term and no diet approach seems to even acknowledge that.

I wonder what mechanism long term slim people use to control their food intake but there doesn’t seem to be much research on that or at least I didn’t hear of any. Or maybe they’re just not so bothered about food?

Migraine possible

So, I wasn’t feeling very well for a couple of days already, having mild but dull headache, confusion, tiredness and nausea. Not sure how to call it as I feel somehow better when I start doing things (which is the opposite to what happens in migraine), although it never completely disappeared and I still felt confused, even when busy.

It seems, however, it’s easing up now and I wonder if it’s hormone related as I’m on my period. Hormone related migraines apparently become more common as women approach menopause and I’m 43, will be 44 at the end of December.

I started filling in my PIP (UK disability benefit) claim and I included things like: ‘I did not see if I stopped being able to cope with demands. It always seems to me that I’m doing ok and then things just fall apart’, ‘I wear the same clothes all the time and keep them on the banister by the bathroom to find them easily’, ‘It seems to me that I’m expressing myself fine but people almost constantly misinterpret what I am saying. They may say how sorry they feel for me when I’m absolutely fine and ignore me when I need help’, ‘When I worked, I frequently found that I could not access important information from colleagues as they were busy having chats and were ignoring my attempts to speak up.’, ‘I find it very distressing to read even few sentences of formal text if it’s not organised the way it works for me. What I end up doing is just looking at it to find keywords and only read the sentences with them but I still end up missing important information this way.’

Those are not all of course but I leave some details for myself.

I also stated that, although I’m diagnosed bipolar, I don’t really think that I have it.

I realised today that Clarks (shoe shop) is no longer open in the town centre. I was going to buy some black shoes that I could wear for my housekeeper job I’ll be doing this coming week for 3 days. I wanted something comfortable that I could also wear later on. Clarks closing it’s shop is like end of an era, I always used to get my shoes there if I wanted something a bit smarter than trainers.

I ended up in the Outlet Village and got some black trainers in Sketchers that have very basic design, so the fact they’re trainers shouldn’t draw anyone attention (hopefully). They also magically make my feet look smaller (I’m size 41/42, which is big for a woman, but I suppose it’s in proportion to my hight: 5’11/1.80m).

Staying on the sofa today. That’s obviously Redecor room. I can’t quite remember what’s that gold thing in the corner but I guess that’s not important now.

I’m a bit worried how I’m going to put up with hotel housekeeper job, I may be a bit slow with manual work due to (possible but undiagnosed) dyspraxia. I wonder though if other housekeepers are fast, if they were, they could go and get a job in Aldi or Amazon and earn more.

I am also confused with who I report to on arrival? What if the reception is busy and there’s no security guard around? Should I just queue like if I was a hotel guest? Hopefully that won’t be required!

I had to cancel The Boyfriend again, due to my headache and generally feeling unwell and I stared wondering how can I get more enjoyment out of this relationship. There are always problems in the way, it started with Home Group giving me depression when we just started dating, my psychoses, my pregabalin withdrawal, my hospital, my mess, his mess, the pandemic, my family, the fraud, his ex, my covid tests and now my period and my migraine.

I wish he could come over and we could have a nice, relaxing evening, without talking about any problems that need sorting, but this is unlikely to happen now as I’m not in a position to be happy up until I know that my employment has been sorted and I’m doing ok.

Hopefully the next couple of weeks will improve things.

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