I feel exhausted (my body image)

I wonder how this is actually possible? After all that sleep I had yesterday? I think I also had a nap after lunch today but I’m not sure. I mean, I just don’t remember what I was doing between 2 and 3.30 pm.

I typed up an email for John, one that adressed his point of view but that wasn’t following procedure he created for me but I didn’t send it so far. I’m not actually sure now if I want to send it at all, as I certainly can’t deal with his response now.

I did some shopping in Lidl so at least I have food for the next two days, I also did a bit of washing up, but not all. I think I haven’t do any for good couple of days but because I didn’t want my kitchen to look too messy, I started storing dirty plates on the dining table. Smart, isn’t it? I hardly ever use the table and mostly eat on the sofa. I know that apparently eating at a table is part of most healthy eating plans but I don’t understand why. Those plans never worked for me. After I post about my first partner’s sister eating habits (this one who was on 300kcal a day but didn’t look anorexic) I started wondering if part of my problem with food is not caused by the idea that dieting means I’m a loser. Perhaps I eat to protest agains this perception?

If you remember, I wrote in that post that in Poland people who can eat a lot but stay skinny are massively admired. And the thing is, my brother is one of those people. He is so slim that his calves look like if he has muscular dystrophy. Which, to be honest, is not really a desirable look for a man, is it? But it would be for a woman. This is the world we live in: the way our bodies look like is, to great extent, determined by genes. Yet, the ideal body type is different for a man and for a woman.

I’m 5’11 tall (1.80cm) and when I’m slim I’m size 14. There’s no way I’d ever fit 12 or lower, even if I lost more weight because, I’m sorry, I’d still have my bones in the same place. Yet, models of the same height as me are size 8. That’s 3 sizes smaller! If I was shorter, I would not be comparing myself with them, I’d compare myself with an average woman on the street or one from work. But I can’t, because they’re all shorter than me. So what I do is, I go to Asos website, I type ‘tall dresses’ in the search field and as I read description I can see those words: Model is 180cm tall and she wears size 8. And I think, well, does she look too skinny? No, she doesn’t. She looks perfectly normal. So that means I’m fat. I will always be fat, even if I go back to my healthy size 14.

And then I think, what’s the point of being on a diet if I have to make all this effort of denying myself something and yet, I’ll still be fatter than her? Yet, I used to have a friend who was short but size 10 and looked perfectly slim to me. So it’s not that I have distortion of how female body should look like, I only have distortion of how my body should look like.

And yet, there’s no way those half conscious beliefs can be discussed anywhere. Even if you go to dietitian who is into psychology of dieting, they focus on ‘using food as a reward’ which really I don’t think I’m doing, or at least not to unhealthy extend. If anything, I eat out of protest that I’ll never be as skinny as those models or, like my brother.

Why people focus on stereotypes that much and not on getting to the bottom of things? This way we prevent progress.

Anyway, I’m surprised I managed such a long post when I’m exhausted. I need to get up soon and have a shower. Then I will eat a small supper and probably go to sleep early. I’m going to work for 7am tomorrow.

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