I went to the gym the first time for a few weeks. I certainly haven’t been since my mum died, but I also didn’t go for at least a few days before that. So roughly 2 months. I wasn’t planning to do a lot today, it’s always better to start small, but after 30 minutes I felt like I had to leave, even though I wasn’t tired. The problem is, I’m very sensitive to how space is organised around me and I really don’t like all those equipment and pipes. Moreover, the music is horrendous, full of banging noises. I just feel so uncomfortable there that even when I exercise, I don’t feel like I’m using 50 percent of my abilities.

The first gym that I started attending was not too big and didn’t have loads of equipment but after spending 20 minutes there I felt I wanted to do more. I didn’t know at the time that I’m autistic, I thought it would be everywhere like this: pass the twenty minutes mark and you will be fine. Since then, every single gym I tried (and there was 5 of them) made me feel like I want to leave instead.

I really don’t know what can be done about it. Should I wear pink coloured glasses to feel better? I also feel a bit discouraged because I feel like, if my problems are due to my disability, then I should be given adjustments.

But I don’t get them because the problem is ‘in my head’ only. And you know, I have to exercise, I believe that I have dyspraxia, which means being clumsy and having weak muscles. It’s important for me to keep fit.

I’ll go tomorrow again but will take my earplugs, maybe that will make me feel a bit better. But still, I doubt exercising is going to be fun that it once was.