I feel numbed

I had my visit to the dentist and I was numbed, so I feel numbed. It’s a very smart sentence, isn’t it?

I think I should feel lucky as the infection cleared off in both of the teeth that I was worried about. I didn’t know that is possible, I thought one day I’ll just wake up with enormous pain. Still, it took me a few years to visit a dentist, and it’s not because I’m scared of the pain, it’s because I didn’t feel they communicate well. And not just dentists, pretty much anybody – I need to first translate to myself what people are saying and it takes so much extra effort that I’d rather not do anything at all. But today was ok. I could even relax and reflect on how depressed I am.

Oh, and the GP called a few minutes before I had to get ready for the dentist, so that was very good. I managed to speak with him and knew I won’t need to worry about him calling later, when I won’t be able to answer.

GP asked me quite a few questions about my mental state and he really focused on my suicidal thoughts. I don’t normally have them now that much, but sometimes they appear. I’m not particularly scared of them any more – I think they got less intense since I realised that they are just a sign that the game I’m playing doesn’t really work for me and I want to end it: I mean, end the game, not life.

I still occasionally have them but I mostly just wait till they go away.

Weather is quite bad today but at least I don’t feel guilty for wanting to spend the day in bed. I’ll collect my sick note tomorrow (or maybe they’re available online now?) and take it from there.

Oh, and also I’m dieting now. Intermittent fasting is not quick enough for loosing weight. I do apologise but I’d like to be slim again. At least I have something to look forward to this way. So maybe I’m not totally numbed? We will see.

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