I feel incredibly sad (also, how to have casual sex if you’re autistic)

I have a feeling that I already made a post with this title but then I can’t come up with anything else – I do feel incredibly sad.

The last couple of days I was so focused that it was almost like being in a trance – I didn’t do anything except of thinking what to write on my blog. I barely ate, but I still had drinks of course. It was really strange, but then, I guess, I wouldn’t write those posts about sexuality and testing men. It feels strange to me, I feel old and unattractive which is possibly slight exaggeration but then that’s how it feels, like it’s young girls who know how to test guys when in fact they have no idea.

But the truth is, as I’m 44 I have life experience. I had time to work all that out. I mentioned here, a few posts away that guys always treated me well – ok, I do have a couple of bad experiences too, that I’d rather not discuss here, at least not now. I may come back to it a bit later, I don’t know. But the thing is that after every negative experience I reflected on myself so that the same thing never happened to me again. And it did not. So my general experience is that guys always treated me well and when I wrote that in the other post, I wasn’t even thinking about the negative ones, I kind of forgot about them. Only later I realised that yes, I had a few bad experiences, but they didn’t traumatise me, if that makes sense?

And because I’m not traumatised, I can enjoy guys company and take time to get to know them instead of worrying whether that particular man is going to treat me well. That’s what I wish every woman can experience, autistic or not. And to get there you need to focus on positives. Try to become friends with guys, if possible, those from your work or university, try to see things from their perspective and understand their jokes. If you know a nice guy who you don’t fancy, ask him for dating advice. He may tell you things that other women don’t know. Like for example that, yes, men want to have sex with any woman if they’re single but they would still prefer to meet the woman of their dreams and have sex with her instead.

I sometimes think, how come I can’t see things from other people perspective (that’s what my diagnostician, Oriana Morrison-Clarke said) but then, when I was at the university, where there were plenty of men around, some of them would come to me for dating advice? Possibly I focus on men perspective more? I don’t know. But those men wouldn’t come to me for advice if I was a bad listener.

The last couple of days I wasn’t playing Redecor and didn’t do any patterns. I somehow feel like I can’t do them again, like if I’m not allowed. It’s a strange feeling. Why would I not be allowed? It doesn’t make any sense. Possibly I’d get back to it later, when I fully recover after the trance that I’ve been through.

I didn’t reach out to John (The Boyfriend) yet and I don’t know if I should do that or not, or possibly not yet. I managed to shake off that feeling a weight loss ad with his surname gave me (https://autisticandme.com/2022/01/19/were-act-on-our-instinct-when-were-in-danger-notifications-again/) but still, I don’t know what to do. I still love and fancy him. He may not be the best communicator in the world but overall he’s the best guy that ever happened to me. I do hope he reads my blog and doesn’t mind that I revealed both his first name and surname here – although not in the same post, so it’s not like I revealed his identity.

I feel really tired. I have overdue bills to pay for my mum’s medication. I will do it tomorrow I suppose. I could not even do that when I was in that state of trance, even though it would only take a few minutes.

I’m not sure if I will continue writing about relationships and sexuality. I think I already said what I had to say, but if someone contacts me about their difficulties with men, I’ll try to help.

I think the most important thing for us, autistic females, is to remember that men test women, whether they are interested in proper relationship or just casual sex. And if women fail those tests men will disrespect them. The easiest way to fail a man’s test if you’re looking for a relationship is to become easily impressed with his efforts and think that they mean he’s really into you.

Regarding casual sex – I made a post a few days ago about that and said that we, autistic women should not engage in casual sex because even if we tell a man we don’t want a relationship, he will still not believe us, will test us using hints and if we don’t respond to them the way he expects, he will think we’re lying and will disrespect us. However, I came up with solution for that too (well, we should have the same chances in life as non autistic women, shouldn’t we?).

This will best done over emails or texts, not in person: as you discuss your expectations with a man you’re considering for casual sex, first remember to tell him that you don’t want to feel pressured and you may change your mind on the day. Second, explain that you’re autistic and therefore you don’t get hints easily. Tell him you are aware that men use hints to test women real intensions, even though the woman already stated she’s not interested in a relationship. Tell him not to do that on you because due to your autism you won’t be able to respond in a way that he expects. You already stated you’re not into a relationship and he needs to take that on a face value. And then say: And, as you are not interested in a relationship with me, my true intentions should not really interest you, should they? And anyway I have no ability to haunt you afterwards so be a man and don’t play any silly neurotypical games with me.

Those words sound a bit harsh but this is how you have to talk to a man from time to time to get him to behave. At the same time you will be doing your bit for the autistic community because people really don’t understand.

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