I’m back in my accommodation after spending most of the day outside. I had loads of walks, ate cake for lunch and drank large glass of wine in the afternoon. It was a good day overall. I may go out later again to get something to eat but it depends on how hungry I am. Skipping meals may become my new hobby, because, why not? It may not be the healthiest choice but it’s probably still much better for me than overeating.
I feel very emotional suddenly. It is said that we, autistics, can’t access our emotions easily and this may be true, however we need to remember that I am unable to imagine how it is when one can access them. No one ever explains that, it’s just assumed that it’s normal, healthy thing and we should be able to do it.
I must say here that my upbringing wasn’t very conductive of me being in touch with my emotions – my house was totally filled in with my dad’s emotions – when he was unhappy, we knew that and there was no space for anything else. I did hear more than once that I must have been abused as a child to be the way I am, but it is much more complicated than that. First, I am autistic, I will always be different, no matter what. Second, even though my dad wasn’t easy to live with, I understood even as a child that his behaviour was due to his mental health problems and it made it easier for me to cope with.
But there was something about his emotions that made me feel like there is no space for mine. If he was angry, I knew that even if he didn’t speak with anyone and was in his bedroom the entire day. That by itself made me feel like I’m not allowed to feel my own emotions, there was no space for them in the house.
Can you call that abuse though? The fact that my dad was angry by itself was not an abuse but it felt to me like one. After moving out from my family home I continued living my life feeling like there’s no space for me feeling the way I feel or wanting what I want. Those two things, feelings and wanting were not allowed. Reaching out for what I wanted was not allowed either, or at least not in a healthy way.
Now, being here, I think about it a lot. The fact that I rejected booking from live in care provider really made me realise that I need to put myself first finally. But how do I do that if I can’t access my feelings easily?
Even though I don’t normally know how I feel about something, I can ‘act it out’ in a suitable environment. Acting out is not always a bad thing. It really doesn’t have to mean screaming. It can mean that, for example, I presume that live in care job will be good fit for me because I really liked it 10 years ago, but then I get offered a booking and I suddenly realise I don’t want to go. This is acting out my feelings. This is also why I was made to feel like irresponsible and undecided person in the past. So, who I am now it’s not all about autism, not all about my dad either – it’s about everyone who ever mentioned to me that I need to be different. More confident. Knew what I want and go for it. Be more like them, basically, and then my life will change.
It feels so strange now to feel all this grief and allow myself to experience it. It takes a lot of effort though. It’s good I’m here on my own.