I’m in Weymouth and the day is really nice today, sunny and warm. It makes me feel like I’m a really lucky person, I mean the fact that the weather got better as I came here. Hopefully it will stay like this for tomorrow. I’m in a pub now where I’m one of two customers and it’s really relaxing but also it reminds me of Poland a lot, as venues there don’t get as busy as they are here.
It’s the first time in a bit that I post when being outside of my accommodation, whether that is home or a hotel. I am still a bit tired but I’ll try to be as concise as I can with what I have to say.
Yesterday was my last day of training with the live in care provider and I found myself in a strange situation when I felt like I’m being forced to disclose my blogging. I mean I was going to tell them anyway, over email, after leaving the training. But then the lady who was leading the training started mentioning subjects that I discussed on the blog lately – I mean not directly, but as I was about to fill in my personal profile with information about my experience in care and personal interests she suddenly asked if I drive. I just recently posted about my ‘imaginary car’. After I answered she said something, I don’t remember what but she summed it up with the word ‘hilarious’ – I used that word twice in the post about imaginary car and it’s not a word people use a lot.
It made me feel like she was hinting me that blogging is ok but I have to disclose my it straight away. It’s difficult to say whether that was true or possibly I just made this connection because I was hiding the fact that I blog so it was on my mind, but I guess it’s not impossible for the above to be true. I did mention yesterday that hotel breakfast made me feel for a moment that the hotel staff reads my blog, but that would be silly – why would they spy on their guests? However, it would not be silly for an employer, especially one that’s business is in such a sensitive area as live in care. Obviously it would be silly for me to ask the trainer if she read my blog so I was just sat there thinking, that’s the point, I need to be honest with them, now, right this moment and not later on, over email, after I leave.
And then something really strange happened. First I wrote a short paragraph about my blog in my personal profile and then moved to filling in the more general bit about interests. I ticked arts and painting, cooking and travelling and then had an empty space to fill in with ‘other interests’ so I thought, if I just put blogging there it will look like I’m drawing too much attention to it, I needed one more to make it look more balanced. As I was thinking about that, the lady mentioned she needs to go on a diet. She was not overweight so I said, she doesn’t need to and she explained she meant it in more general way, she wanted to be healther after Christmas. I said, oh, you mean like healthy eating?
And then it hit me: I need to make dieting my hobby. It is something that I know a lot about and I can be quite good at it when I feel like doing it. Dieting, not healthy eating. ‘Healthy eating’ doesn’t really interest me. Possibly because I am into extremes, not into balance. Perhaps healthy eating would be better but on and off dieting is probably still better than constant overeating and being permanently overweight.
What I’m trying to say here is that the feeling I have to be honest with the employer about my blogging transferred into me being jonest with myself about my real eating preferences and I was able to suddenly made a shift I was struggling with for a couple of years. So yes, dieting is the thing for me. Nothing wrong with it.
I was offered a booking as a live in carer after that but it was from today so I’d have to make my Weymouth trip shorter. I mean I understand the importance of earning money but the thing is, I suddenly didn’t feel ready to make that decision. Blogging is now very important part of who I am and, surprisingly, it is much easier to post every day than just once in a while. But to make a post I need to report on social interactions and if I’m live in carer I won’t be able to post about clients or their families. That will leave me with just two hours break a day which may be not enough to come up with enough social interactions to comment on.
It’s a tough decision as I really liked live in care job but I need to remember about my own self fulfilment. Having a blog and, recently, an Instagram account with my patterns, feels so massively rewarding by itself, even though I don’t have many readers or followers. I guess I should just allow myself time to decide what’s good for me. It’s not an easy thing, possibly it’s something that I need to learn?
Another thing is that being by the sea makes me thing about a man I used to call ‘Good Lawyer’ when I had my employment tribunal dealings with Home Group. As I mentioned here I represented myself but I was in touch with a couple of lawyers before I made that decision and he struck me as one who was very honest. He also mentioned that he’s aware what sometimes happens to employees with Asperger’s syndrome. He gave me some very brief advice that made me realise what my options are. I sometimes think about him. I’d like to let him know that I kind of moved on and I’m doing fine, but that would be weird, wouldn’t it? He wouldn’t know how to react to that. I wasn’t even his client and contacting him out of nowhere now to say how my life is working out would be like if I considered him a friend.
Perhaps it’s good that I lost his email address. I am not sure how it happened, possibly I deleted it during my second psychotic episode – I can’t find another explanation for that. I wouldn’t normally delete his contact details for sure, but they’re not there. Every time I type ‘Nigel’ in my gmail only a guy from property management in Swindon Borough Council comes up. I don’t remember the lawyer surname, but I know that he was a partner and he was based somewhere by the sea, not too far from Swindon, although probably not Weymouth. I think it could be Weston-super-Mare. I hope one day I’ll be able to talk to him and tell him he’s a really good person. It’s so strange now, as I type it, I started to cry. I really think that good people like him should be rewarded and I hope everything is going well for him in his career.