That’s how I understand challenging behaviour. Challenging behaviour is not just something that autistic people with learning disability display, high functioning autistics can also do that, but ours are of course different. Arguing can be form of challenging behaviour and I was guilty of it more than once. I believe we do that to break free from the system that doesn’t work for us. Again, it’s an instinct.

Logically we know that if partner leaves us it will take time to find someone for a new relationship but our instinct just want to replace one system with another so we achieve that by ending up single. Of course being single may not work for us either but we’re unable to predict this.

Luckily I really value my relationship with The Boyfriend. He’s very supportive, in a logical way, so something that I understand and he gives me plenty of space. At times I’d like a bit less space and more togetherness but this is not something that worry me too much. This system really works for me so I’m making an effort to support him too, to be kind and to accept his shortcomings.

But with my last job it wasn’t like that. I really wanted to break free. Possibly I should have reduced my hours and steadily work on something else in my free time, but I couldn’t focus on what it could be when I was still working and just generally couldn’t see a way out but I was constantly on the edge and I’m sure people could see it. I tried to be polite most of the time but it not always worked. At some point I just felt, I couldn’t contain it any more, I wanted to break free from that. And I did finally got sacked. And although I can’t imagine being back there at all, my new system is being unemployed and worried that I’d end up on safeguarding barred list. My instinct didn’t predict long term consequences of my actions, it was only concerned with immediate gratification. And now it turned out that unemployment doesn’t really work for me either, and how do I break free from that???

I’m in another hostel. I had to leave the other one for the weekend as they were fully booked. Duvet is extremely thin here but mattress is better.

During the weekend I need to write yet another complaint regarding mum’s missing money. Let’s hope we’ll get at least some of it back.

I also finally went to the court. When I was still at home I found 3 postal notes: for me, mum and my brother, about letters from the court. It turned out it’s from Land Registry (very confusing, why Land Registry is part of the court system?).

‘They’re all the same’ told me the staff member. ‘But I can only give you yours. Your mum and brother need to collect theirs in person.’

Great. And my brother had told me he already went there to collect his. I remember I asked him what it was and he said ‘Something. You’ll go and see.’ I should have known, that’s exactly like him.

I’m hungry. I’m going to have a proper lunch today.