I feel guilty

I can’t help but feel guilty for simple things that are not directly connected to issues I came here to deal with: having a walk in the sunshine, ice-cream, bottle of coke.

Before I came here I was on Universal Credit for around a month and I was making an effort to survive for 2 quid a day. It may not be very pleasant experience, but it’s doable. I stopped cooking as I worked out will be easier to eat tinned food. It may not be delicious but at least I didn’t feel like I wanted an extra serving. Pierogi are also very nice for lunch and dinner and a packet that contains 2 sensible portions can be bought for £1.60, or even cheaper if it’s close to it’s use by date. Tinned soups from Lidl or Aldi are also good option for lunch. Plus some milk, tea, coffee and occasional fruit and it is doable. I must admit though, that gives me some anxiety. I’m worried, what if I always live like that.

At first, when I lost my job, everyone become concerned that I should go back on either antipsychotics or mood stabilizers and I went with it and started taking arpiprazole. But because doctor didn’t want to give me more than 7 on prescription and I also needed some diazepam as arpiprazole can make people anxious at first, I ended up spending like 40 quid on prescriptions (it was the same month when I got my last salary so didn’t qualify for free prescriptions yet) and at the end it turned out I couldn’t even take it.


However, I’m coping so far and I also believe that my psychotic episodes were not caused by prolonged low level stress but by acute one. So hopefully I’ll be fine. I still have plenty of emergency olanzapine in case I needed it.

But I feel guilty that I let myself enjoy life a bit more here, even if not excessive in any way. The hostel is approximately 7 quid a night and I have ice cream almost every day. My Universal Credit can be cancelled if I’m not back in the UK by 16th of September. This feels really unfair, as, if I was British and needed to go to, let’s say Exeter, to do the same I am doing here, it would be perfectly fine.

I feel anxious again.

I think my mental health problems have a lot to do with the feeling I have about being inside of a glass jar: no one interacts with me, no one listens to my ideas, so I try to break this jar by displaying a range of challenging behaviours. Obviously this is not taking me anywhere, except of, maybe, to psychiatric hospital.

BTW, the hospital in Weston-super-Mare was really cool. I remember how I pressed alarm button on my bedroom wall, just to see what would happen and everyone started running in my direction.

I remember wanting to press it for a day or two and I finally gave in. Even though I was psychotic I was fully aware I wasn’t supposed to do that but I knew that I can and that there will be no negative consequences, because I was crazy at the time.

I remember that being in that hospital felt really safe, everything was provided so I didn’t need to worry and could just be ‘myself’. That’s exactly how I felt: my autistic self that I had to hide all the time, could suddenly show off. It was allowed because I was crazy.


I miss my Facebook psychosis group. I left a couple of months ago because it felt like staying there was like leaving the door open to another episode. Not because of people who were there, oh no, they were lovely, but because how my autistic brain read the situation: I’m a member of psychosis group so I’m supposed to have an episode at some point. So I left, but I miss the people and the fact I could be really open there about my experience.

So I’m not on any long term mental health medication right now and let’s hope it will stay like this. I think this blog really helps, not just the process of writing but also the fact that it’s all in the open. People can read all about the depth of my experience. I noticed I even like writing about my psychotic episodes. Not many people experienced them and even if someone did, it’s usually taboo.

So I’m writing about things that are taboo. I suppose this is why I feel like the glass jar that I’m under has been partially lifted.

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