That’s why it’s sometimes being said we don’t have empathy. But I know it’s not true. When I see my mum, so small in her hospital bed, I can see how vulnerable she is and I want to protect her.
But when I first found out she had an accident I didn’t speak with her for around a month. I finally called her on her 80th birthday to wish her all the best but ended up screaming at her. How dare you have an accident, I thought. And why did you go to Poland when I was telling you not to. I was sure my brother pushed her, that’s why she broke her hip. She never admitted to anything but I found it really strange that, while two people were involved, there are 3 versions of the event.
And now suddenly I was that person who had to deal with everything, plus the fraud issue and the fact that I was sacked from work.
I was sacked because I did something naughty. I don’t want to discuss here what it was, plus, I probably shouldn’t, but I don’t think it was very serious, although certainly not an example of best practice. I did it as I was stressed and tired. I had enough. I should have technically call in sick with stress and stay at home but the source of stress was my mum who was living with me and constantly wanting to talk about my brother, wondering if he’d change. Or possibly he changed already, even though he just screamed at her over the phone. She had a feeling that he changed so that must have been true. But he didn’t behave like someone who did so that made her unhappy. Then I had to deal with all of it.
I don’t think my employer treated me very fairly. They didn’t take any of my problems into consideration. What I also found very strange was that I was suspended around 6 weeks after I told them I’m off my mental health medication and a year and a half after my deputy got involved into sectioning me. I wouldn’t be surprised if they just wanted to get rid of me, however, being honest, I must admit I was not always the most pleasant employee.
That employment was something that didn’t really work for me. I felt safe but I didn’t feel challenged. I always felt I had a lot to give but never knew how to deliver it.
I wanted to do something extra but I didn’t. I could have started a blog ages ago but was worried I’d be controversial at work so I didn’t. As a result that job became like that glass jar around me, that I was trying to break. And it looks like I finally managed, by getting myself fired.
However, I was still angry with my mum. In a lot of ways I got fired because she gave me troubles. But then, if that didn’t happen, I’d be as miserable at work.
I don’t know what is going to happen next. What if I never find a job, I worry. Of course that’s close to impossible, there are specialised staff in Job Centre helping long term unemployed. And I’m not stupid, just autistic. Let’s hope things will work out well.