Autistic and me

I arranged the transport for mum for Monday 11am and was told I can go with her. I can’t wait to see her, I hope she will be happy in her new place.

I keep thinking how vulnerable she is now and how much I want to protect her. Nothing else matters now. Forget the money, we’ll all cope somehow, and that includes my brother.

It’s a hot day, 11.20am. I came back to my hostel 30 minutes ago. I feel slighty tired after not being able to sleep well for two days in a row and it’s quite possible I’ll have a nap soon.

I always had an impression that life is a game or possibly a series of games and I realised recently that my suicidal thoughts that appear when things are not working well, which doesn’t have to be anything serious, are only an attempt to end the current game. It seems it’s my instinct that is telling me that if one game ends, another will start and it’s likely to be easier.

So now, when things get difficult, I tell myself that I need to keep playing. I try to imagine another couple of steps and it seems to be helping: ‘keep playing, things will happen eventually’.

I really want to talk to mum, see her tiny figure and face. I keep remember how she asked ‘how much do I owe you’, she was so cute and vulnerable. I want to give her a hug and make sure no one will ever hurt her again.