The private care home looked a bit like a hotel, slightly over the top and much better than any care home I’ve ever seen in the UK (and I’ve seen a few). I was slightly reluctant after seeing that and also it’s in the middle of nowhere, but then I guess that’s how they all will be in here. I wish there was a middle shelf but unfortunately no one created it yet. Mind you, the price is just a tiny bit higher than full price of government care home so something doesn’t seem right.

I called mum and she was happy to go there, it even seemed to me she was expecting me to arrange something like that for her. I got relieved and got over the fact that is how mum’s money will be spent.

But then, now, just an hour after I went to bed, I woke up feeling anxious again, thinking why this is our only option. My mum would be ok being at home with just a bit of help, and yet, she can’t go there.

Oh, I forgot to add how I dealt with my suicide thoughts in the morning. So basically realising they’re just part of the game my brain is playing with the world made me come up with a solution: I was really extremely miserable and would normally stay in bed thinking I’d need to recover before anything else. But the game theory made me realise it would be like replacing the idea of suicide with reset, less harmful but still being stuck in finite game mode. The situation will not change by me staying in and what I really have to do is choose to play an infinite game. So how do I do that? Just get up and keep playing, I suddenly discovered. And this way I accomplished everything I wanted for today.

Oh, mind you, that was not a shutdown, where staying in bed would probably be best.