Feeling hopeless

What if I don’t go back, my benefits will get stop and then my mum runs out of money for her care home. But even if I want to, I can’t go back on time, fast trains to Kraków don’t operate for a couple of days. I won’t manage, if I have to travel on number of trains or buses I won’t cope, who knows, I may even start crying.

And now I suddenly think my mum used to listen to me when I got like that. Always trying to help, patiently waiting till I worked out what to do, what could sometimes take like ages. Now I’m on my own.

I sneaked into mum’s care home today around lunch time (door is never locked) as there was no one in the hallway. I had some bits and pieces for her but I also wanted to see her. I just said ‘this is for you’ and was just about to leave when she asked ‘how much do I owe you?’

She says those strange things, probably wanting to keep me for a few more minutes. At least I hope that’s why as she doesn’t even have any access to money now. I mean, I hope she remembers.

No one made sure that the rest of her pension, that is left after care home deduction, gets delivered there for her. It still goes to her bank account that she has no ability to access.


Sometimes I think, why I worry so much. Why I can’t just be happy that there’s still enough money for that private care home. It seems like I see blockage everywhere ‘If mum is in a private care home I’ll worry that she lives for too long and I won’t be able to afford it at some point’. ‘If my benefits get camcelled it means that possibly at some point I won’t be able to provide this private care for mum’. Somehow I do forget that if my mum passes away a few weeks after I’ll leave in a hurry I will never forgive that to myself. This is about feelings and relationships and those are easy to forget while trying to work out what procedure should I follow to get the best outcome in how I see life.

‘How much do I owe you?’ poor mum. When she says things like that I just want to take care of her. Make sure she’ll never runs out of what she needs and that she has beautiful nighty when she’s in bed. The green one that she had on today was from the care home. Mummy, she deserves what’s best.

Update: it later turned out mum got the rest of her pension on that day finally, but…

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