I was actually thinking that yesterday post, about Cambridge University blocking my incoming emails was 300, but it turned out that it was 299. But at least it makes sense, so that doesn’t bother me. If this one was 300 and yesterday was 273 for example, I would be really concerned and wouldn’t know what’s happening around me.
So I am rather overwhelmed as I said. The realisation that Professor Simon Baron-Cohen may be a narcissist, and then writing it all down in a way that would explain how I got there, required loads of mental effort and I think it put my mind into a bit of an overdrive mode. I had to take olanzapine yesterday evening and I think I may need one today too, just in case. It would be very silly to put myself at risk of another psychotic episode only because of one twat.
Disclaimer: I am not saying Professor Simon Baron-Cohen is a narcissist, I’m only saying that’s how it looks like.
I have an interview in a couple of hours, over an online call, I hope it will goes well. Possibly it will help me focus on something different, because for now I really can’t take my mind out of what I found out. I feel a bit like when I read Home Group response to my employment tribunal claim, where they stated my autism diagnosis was private and they paid for it. At first I thought their lawyer hired a hacker to break into NHS IT system to alter my medical record. As silly as this may seem, especially for someone with bachelor degree in computer science, it seemed like the most likely explanation. It took me three days to realise that what must have happened instead was, my manager, bullied by The Lady (yes, you may get bullied by the narcissist even if you’re a manager) put fabricated documents into my file and Home Group head office didn’t even check them before submitting their response because they simply thought I’m crazy. Why they hired an expensive lawyer, a partner, if they thought the case is so trivial remains a mystery to me, however I did notice that similar behaviour is sometimes what neurotypicals do. They focus on how things look like on social level rather than on following the right procedure.
Realising what really happened there didn’t bring me peace and was what triggered my first psychotic episode, I was going over and over various events in my head and also tried to understand what may happen later on as a result of this lie and how I’ll manage to convince people to believe me when I couldn’t even speak straight… I just couldn’t switch off this thinking!
And that is how I’m feeling now: I’m wondering how much better the support for autistic people could be, how much better the understanding could be if Professor wouldn’t disturb it all with his constant attempt to twist what we are saying into what suits him. And what suits him? Possibly, I guess, to imply that we, autistics, are so difficult to understand that it just cannot be done. No one can ever work us out, therefore there cannot be any changes in research politics and as a result he can keep his privileged position.
I’m so upset about that, you can’t even imagine. Therefore I’m not attaching any image. Where’s my diazepam, anyone knows? I really need to calm down!