I suppose writing openly about mental health requries me mentioning the times when my mental health is good. I am actually surprised how much better I feel when my problems (sort of) has been managed and my contact with people is limited and rather formal – only during interviews.
I didn’t feel low or on the edge for a couple of days now, which was a normal occurrence in my last job. I still feel a bit tired and my flat is not extremely tidy, I also didn’t go to the gym since I’m back, but I hope that will also change.
A couple of days ago I decided to go back to live in care work, that I used to do quite a few years ago and I really liked it. It was low pressure and allowed me to focus all my energy and social skills on one person only. That was before I realised I’m autistic so when I got a bit tired of living in other people houses and decided to get a job in a care home, I had no idea that taking care of several people at once will be more demanding. Well, don’t get me wrong, I was of course aware it will be more demanding physically, but I didn’t know how much more effort constant prioritising may take or how difficult it may be working with other people who may be completely different than me.
When I was live in carer it was so easy to put my client’s needs first – there was no one else to be considered at the same time and I quickly saw what they needed. I also liked the element of travelling involved. So I decided to go back to this kind of work but have every other month off. And possibly I could do a bit of agency work during the time I’m off, but not much, 3 shifts a week at most, preferably 2.
However, in all the confusion that applying for jobs take, I arranged live in care job interview at the end of my string of interviews and what happened was…
I had an interview for a care home today. I was informed at the beginning they don’t do zero hours contracts, which is, what I was really after, but the manager was Polish and she was nice and cheerful so I thought, let me see, maybe it will be ok.
At the end I received verbal job offer and I, also verbally, accepted it. I was given some docum ents to look at at home and I was petrified to find out that if I leave within 12 months of completing mandatory training, I’d be charged the amount the company spent to cover my wages during that training.
Mandatory training needs to be refreshed every so often so I’d always owe some money to them. And when I added it all up it turned out it can be a lot!
And that made me realise I, once again, was about to change my mind because I received notification. The ‘on’ notification for taking that job was a lovely Polish manager but that followed immediately with an ‘off’ notification – the prospect of returning wages I was paid for training.
I really think I need to stick to my original plan, as it was a good one (a job that I like and can do plus some freedom and loads of time off). With what I have been through during the last couple of years I really can’t afford another employment failure, it would totally deflate my self esteem.
So why did I do that? Why I wanted to change my plan due to notification from the environment? Can someone tell me at all? I wouldn’t even work with the manager and, even though she’s Polish, we could end up not getting on.
It’s not easy to be autistic when choices are involved. Please keep your fingers crossed for me!
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