Yesterday I met up with a friend who I met through work a few years ago. She is also Polish but around 25 years older than me. We are quite different, she’s very chatty and outgoing while I like reflecting on things. We went to Cirencester, a market town nearby and ended up having a good day and that made me feel much better about myself.

I wondered later how come it made me feel so good while she’s certainly not my ‘best friend’ and I started wondering whether I understand the concept of ‘best friend’ correctly.

I often catch myself thinking that I find it difficult to maintain a couple of friendships at once so I somehow came to conclusion that I should find one friend and they have to be perfect. When I meet someone I don’t ask myself whether we’re really connecting, instead I’m looking for ways to make that person into my best friend and ways to deal with disappointment when this doesn’t happen but we are still in touch.

I now wonder whether those people see me as needy. Whether they treat me poorly because I am needy or maybe it’s the other way round: they prefer to be friends with someone who’s needy because they can control them better.

Yesterday the idea came to my mind that possibly I shouldn’t be looking for best friend and instead I should focus on widening my social circle. Possibly that will make me stop feeling needy.

But the thing is, feeling needy is the exact reason for looking for a friend to begin with. If I wasn’t needy I wouldn’t probably make any effort.

I need to reflect on this for a little bit.