Ok, so I’m not very proud of it. Those are things that I do sometimes – I lash out. But only towards people that I don’t respect.

A while ago I promised myself I will not be contacting him again, I know it’s not very elegant and also, what I am doing that for? To demand apology?

But the thing is, I didn’t want to lash out at Mark Henderson this time. I wanted to lash out at Putin but I don’t know his email so Mr Henderson felt like a good replacement.

Yesterday in the morning I saw an article on Facebook about large Ukrainian family who just moved to the UK. The family included 90 years old grandma and the article had a photo of her crying. It is much easier for me to empathise with older people and I felt so sorry for her, needing to move to a different country at this age. With younger people it seems to me that they will find a way to turn this around and use their time in a different country wisely, possibly even turning it into a new opportunity, and, although that obviously doesn’t cancel out their suffering, it makes the situation this little bit better.

For an older person, someone who doesn’t have much life left, they don’t need opportunities, do they? They just want to feel safe.

But also, what I think is at play here, I see older people situation as one dimentional and that makes it easier for me to imagine how they feel. I may be wrong, who knows, but at least I think I understand their emotions.

With younger people, as their situation is more complex, I don’t know what they are feeling. I don’t know whether they have mixed feelings all the time or if they alternate between feeling despair and looking forward to what life is going to bring them. It’s too confusing and stressful trying to imagine that so what I think I’m doing is, I’m trying to block it all out from my consciousness.

So that’s what happened when I was reading that article, I felt enormous wave of empathy towards that elderly lady while at the same time I think I felt some kind of guilt for not being able to feel the same way towards other members of that family.

The family stayed in a house donated by a local business man and someone commented underneath that it’s all good but what about ‘our own homeless people’? And I thought, that’s not the right thing to say. With all the support available in this country for people who messed up their life, I’d say if someone stays homeless, they only have themselves to blame. And I thought about my brother. He’s not homeless, but he would be if he couldn’t stay in our family home. I thought about how stubborn he is, about his motto for everything, which is ‘I’ll show you that I’m going to ruin my life because of you. You will see!’ But that doesn’t mean that I have no feelings for my brother. So I have feelings but I can’t do anything, he’s ruining every good deed that anyone does for him.

That was too many emotions and I thought, I am going through that because of Putin. Because of how stupid he is. And I wanted to tell him what I really think about him, but I couldn’t of course, so I thought, let me email Mark Henderson instead.

As usual, he didn’t reply. It seems like I treat him like a rubbish bin for emotions I cannot contain.