This is another thing that is very important: the society is constanty telling women that if they have sex, they will fall in love. Or at least good sex. This is not my experience at all. Love is complex emotion that takes time to develop and having sex is not sufficient for this to happen. Possibly it’s different for neurotypical women, but then, what is happening, is that people assume that we’re autistic so we are even more vulnerable and therefore have to be even more careful because we won’t cope.
Another important factor to consider here is that I believe that we, autistics, see life as a set of games and we see ourselves as coping when we win them. So imagine that you met a man who you really like and the attraction is mutual but he says that he’s not interested in a relationship at the moment. Think about it this way: what is your win going to be if you tell yourself that you need to keep away from him? Your win is going to be nothing. You put yourself in a situation where you deny yourself something that you want (sex with a man you fancy) in order to get nothing. Does that make any sense? You will only become bitter as a result of that choice.
But then, don’t do anything that you’re uncomfortable with doing. Have time to think as we, autistics need to process what is happening. Also, you have to be honest with him. Don’t tell him that you also want just sex when that’s not true. Tell him the truth: that ideally you’d like to be in a relationship, however you considered what he was saying and you came to conclusion that if you can’t have roast dinner, having a sandwich is still better than going hungry.
And go for it with the mindset that you’re going to have as much joy from this situation as possible. If you can’t have what you really want it’s a good tactic to get as much of what you can have, wouldn’t you agree? But don’t do anything that you’re uncomfortable with doing. On the other hand, never stop yourself from doing what you really want to do. If you stop yourself from doing what you want, you are playing a game where you’re limiting your gains. Don’t worry that he’ll think you’re crazy, obsessed with sex woman – the relationship is out of the question, you already agreed on that so what he thinks is not important. Always put your needs first – that is the game that you are playing, you’re not in a relationship so you don’t have to worry about his feelings or thoughts.
I mean, I did hear the oxytocin theory – if we have orgasm then oxytocin gets released and it causes us to feel emotional connection. I wonder if that has been through rigorous research. Or maybe it’s only true for non autistic women?
And if you want to ask if that man will want to have a relationship with you as a result I have to say that I do not know. What I do know however is that if you can’t have roast dinner…
Autistic and me 
Leave a reply to Benjamin DeVoe Cancel reply