This is another thing that is very important: the society is constanty telling women that if they have sex, they will fall in love. Or at least good sex. This is not my experience at all. Love is complex emotion that takes time to develop and having sex is not sufficient for this to happen. Possibly it’s different for neurotypical women, but then, what is happening, is that people assume that we’re autistic so we are even more vulnerable and therefore have to be even more careful because we won’t cope.
We however have instinct that has the ability to guide us. And because sexual desire is controlled by instinct, I’d say, you’re going to be just fine.
Another important factor to consider here is that we, autistics, see life as a set of games and we see ourselves as coping when we win them. So imagine that you met a man who you really like and the attraction is mutual but he says that he’s not interested in a relationship at the moment. Think about it this way: what is your win going to be if you tell yourself that you need to keep away from him? Your win is going to be nothing. You put yourself in a situation where you deny yourself something that you want (sex with a man ypu fancy) in order to get nothing. Does that make any sense? You will only become bitter as a result of that choice.
But then, don’t do anything that you’re uncomfortable with doing. Have time to think as we, autistics need to process what is happening. Also, you have to be honest with him. Don’t tell him that you also want just sex when that’s not true. Tell him the truth: that ideally you’d like to be in a relationship, however you considered what he was saying and you came to conclusion that if you can’t have roast dinner, having sandwich is still better than going hungry.
And go for it with the mindset that you’re going to have as much joy from this situation as possible. If you can’t have what you really want it’s a good tactic to get as much of what you can have, wouldn’t you agree? But don’t do anything that you’re uncomfortable with doing. On the other hand, never stop yourself from doing what you really want to do. If you stop yourself from doing what you want, you are playing a game where you’re limiting your gains. Don’t worry that he’ll think you’re crazy, obsessed with sex woman – the relationship is out of the question, you already agreed on that so what he thinks is not important. Always put your needs first – that is the game that you are playing, you’re not in a relationship so you don’t have to worry about his feelings.
And then have as much bang as you possibly can. Well, I already said that, didn’t I? All the orgasms that you are going to have are your gains, possibly the only gains that you can get out of that situation so focus on them and get as many as you can. Always remember: there may be nothing else there for you so why deny yourself something that is good? You wouldn’t do that in any other situation, would you? If you’re offered small promotion at work but you’re ideally want something better, you wouldn’t reject it, would you? You would accept it and then try to move even higher and try to look for better opportunities outside of your company at the same time, so do the same with men. Don’t deny yourself something that you can have right now in order to get nothing because that just doesn’t make sense.
And believe me, your instinct will get you through it. You won’t fall in love only because you have good sex. In order to fall in love we need shared experiences, hugs, deep and meaningful conversations, you name it. Sex doesn’t do that. Maybe it does to neurotypical women or maybe that’s just what they say? Remember that people play games, the women may be telling us that by having non string attached sex we fall in love so that sex become less available for men and they then become easier target for a relationship for those women who don’t really know how to handle man? I am not sure, I didn’t research that, it’s a complex subject but I wouldn’t be surprised if that turned out to be true.
I mean, I did hear the oxytocin theory – if we have orgasm then oxytocin gets released and it causes us to feel emotional connection. I wonder if that has been through rigorous research.
So yes, that is what I wanted to say: focus on your gains, like with every other game. And if it doesn’t turn into a relationship, you will naturally become disinterested in him and move on. But you’ll move on with a mindset of a woman who coped. You were in a complex situation with a man, you didn’t get what you ideally wanted but it was good overall. You will then start thinking about yourself like a woman who can handle men. You will become more confident and this will be your second gain. Remember, always focus on your gains.
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