Trigger warning: mentions self harm but also talks about nice weather and speaking up.

It was another warm and sunny day so I made an effort to spend couple of hours outdoors. It still surprises me how the town changed since I was in secondary school. We didn’t have McDonald’s at the time and instead of a shopping centre we had an outdoor market, which still operates now, it’s just not as busy as it used to be.

McDonald’s opened when I was in my mid 20s and I was convinced it will go bankrupt within a few months. There was high unemployment rate in the area (like 24 percent or so) and salaries were low. Also the prices of McDonald’s food is not really adjusted to our salaries so it’s an expensive place. Like for example I pay 13PLN for main course and a drink in my ‘home dinners’ place, Chinese restaurant in the town centre would be around 18 and a a burger and chips in McDonald’s is around 26.

Yet, my prediction was totally wrong and the place can get so busy at times that it’s difficult to find a table to sit down. Thank god I’m not into McDonald’s food but it was a good place to have a cup of tea if I missed my evening bus home. If it opened a few years earlier maybe I’d not have scars on my left arm now.

Well yes, so how did I get in here, from a nice, warm day to talking about self harm? I don’t do that now and hopefully I never will. I noticed very quickly that it doesn’t bring any solutions with it. But I don’t know what does.

I’d really wish it will be different this time. A few days ago I posted my representations regarding putting me on barred list. I don’t know if I was asked to do that or no so I thought I’d better explain why I did what I did, just in case.

I posted some days ago I don’t want to work in care any more but after carefully considering my real feelings I realised that what I really don’t want to is to work somewhere where I’m being silenced and can’t be myself and I only assumed that’s what my experience would be if I get another job in care: people assume things about me, that I love doing extra tasks when others are socialising, that I have no feelings and it’s ok to laugh at me because I don’t mind.

However, in an attempt to be fair to my ex employer I must say that while they didn’t try to listen to me, I also didn’t make any effort to speak up. I suppose it was all too complex, I’m much better at writing than at expressing myself face to face so hopefully this blog will bridge that gap.