Trigger warning: mentions self harm but also talks about nice weather and speaking up.

It was another warm and sunny day so I made an effort to spend couple of hours outdoors. It still surprises me how the town changed over the years, since I was in secondary school. We didn’t have McDonald’s at the time and the only shopping centre was an outdoor market, which still operates now, it’s just not as busy as it used to be.

McDonald’s was opened when I was in my mid 20s and I was convinced it will go bankrupt within a few months. There was high unemployment rate in the area (like 24 percent or such) and salaries were low. Also the prices of McDonald’s food is not really adjusted to our salaries and prices of other food items and it ends up being an expensive place. Like for example I pay 13PLN for main course and a drink in my ‘home dinners’ place, Chinese restaurant in the town centre would be around 18 and McDonald’s would be 26.

Yet, my prediction was totally wrong and the place can get so busy at times that it’s difficult to find a table to sit down. I’m not into McDonald food but I appreciated the place for the fact that if I missed an evening bus home when I was studying part time in Łódź, I could go there to have a cup of tea and wait for the next one instead of getting cold and angry outside and planning how to self harm when I finally get home, if you remember that story.

So having McDonald’s in town is a very good thing. If it was opened two years earlier possibly I’d not have scars on my left lower arm.

Well yes, so how did I get in here, from a nice, warm day to talking about self harm? I don’t do that now and hopefully I never will. I seemed to notice very quickly that it doesn’t bring any solutions with it. But I don’t know what does. Very often it seems like there isn’t anything I can do. I know I can’t change the things I’d really like to change (like my brother’s drinking) and with the rest I am just plodding along while having no idea how to change anything at all.

I’d really wish it will be different this time. A few days ago I posted my representations regarding putting me on barred list. I don’t know if I was asked to do that as have no access to my post (The Boyfriend doesn’t seem confident reading it) so I thought I’d better explain why I did what I did, just in case.

I posted some days ago I don’t want to work in care any more but after carefully considering my real feelings I realised that what I really don’t want to is to work somewhere where I’m being silenced and can’t be myself and I only assumed that’s what my experience would be if I get another job in care: people assume things about me, that I love doing extra tasks when others are socialising, that I have no feelings and it’s ok to laugh at me because I don’t mind.

However, in an attempt to be fair to my ex employer I must say that while they didn’t try to listen to me, I didn’t make any effort to speak up. I suppose it was too complex, I’m much better at writing that at expressing myself face to face so hopefully this blog will bridge that gap.