Trigger warning: this post mentions suicidal thoughts.

I read online that talking about suicidal thoughts doesn’t make people any more likely to act on them but I know some readers prefer trigger warnings, and that’s absolutely fine.

My severely bad mood started two days ago, after I realised I have almost everything sorted. I think, again, this may be my autistic instinct acting out: after I completed a challenge there should be a reward. But there isn’t any and that’s why I want to quit life.

My mood was really bad at times, I even emailed Samaritans yesterday, but I didn’t get response yet.

When I was teenager and I’ve heard about people who committed suicide after a loss (like for example their business went bankrupt) I didn’t understand it at all, I thought they still had something to live for, why they didn’t just focus on positives and slowly rebuild it, now I can see it’s not so straightforward, suicidal thoughts can be almost automatic.

I didn’t want to post about it at the time as it would probably be too emotional and literal but I don’t want to hide the fact that’s what happened to me: two days full of suicidal thoughts and dread.

At some point when I felt really bad I saw an advert online that displayed some rotating objects and I was shocked how soothing that was for me, so I went on YouTube to look for similar videos and I found a few. My favourite is this one: https://youtu.be/PvM-mpqXllM

I watch those videos several times a day and I find them very calming. I switched the sound off to focus on the image entirely but you may like it with the sound on. I do admit, every time I stopped watching, the feeling of dread came back very quickly but after watching them several times I feel much better. Still not 100%, and I guess that may take time, but I’m much better than I was.

The unusual thing is, since I started blogging about my emotions, I sometimes see flashbacks of text im my head that describe the situation that I am in, or that I want to be in. That helps me understand how I feel. The text is very short and it looks like if it was printed. Today, shortly after I woke up I saw ‘happy endings’ in my head and I think this is a positive sign.