Trigger warning: this post mentions suicidal thoughts.

I read online that talking about suicidal thoughts doesn’t make people any more likely to act on them but I know some readers prefer trigger warning, and that’s absolutely fine.

So I was really struggling mentally and emotionally, walking up early in the morning and feeling like I’m a looser.

Mum seems to be happy in her new care home and is not at all against spending her money on it, it seems like it’s me who has problem with it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret at all that I moved her, the previous place was so small that if just ten percent of residents would get up and want to walk around it would become absolutely chaotic. But I think I saw the money I was supposed to inherit as a symbol of success and now it feels like it’s been taken away from me so that means I’m a looser.

Also I will never be able to visit my family home again, I’ll never cook anything with mum, will probably never eat out with her again. It feels like the positive symbols that I had in life had been taken away from me and there’s nothing to replace them.

Also, I am painfully aware that if I want to visit mum I’d have to stay in the hostel and it cannot be during holiday as they will be fully booked. Also I worry if mum’s bank refund her the money that was stolen, and if it doesn’t I may end up paying for her care myself and it will be a bit difficult doing that every month.

This severely bad mood started two days ago, after I realised I have almost everything sorted. I think, again, this may be my autistic instinct acting out: I’m playing a finite game so, after I ‘won’ there should be a reward. But there isn’t any and that’s why I want to quit life.

I did say on this blog multiple times that we need to replace finite games we’re playing with infinite ones, but that is easier said than done.

My mood was really bad at times, I even emailed Samaritans yesterday, but I didn’t get response yet.

When I was teenager and I’ve heard about people who committed suicide after a loss (like for example their company went bankrupt) I didn’t understand it at all, I thought they still had something to live for, why they just didn’t focus on what is good in their life and slowly rebuild it, now I can see it’s not so straightforward, suicidal thoughts can be almost automatic.

I didn’t really want to post about it at the time, it would probably be too emotional and literal but I don’t want to hide the fact that’s what happened to me: two days full of suicidal thoughts and dread.

At some point when I felt really bad I saw an advert online that displayed some rotating objects and I was shocked how soothing that was for me, so I went on YouTube to look for similar videos and I found a few. My favourite is this one: https://youtu.be/PvM-mpqXllM

If you’re not fan of the orange and pink, the second part is done in blues and with a different pattern (like in the image above). You can also look for some more, there doesn’t seem to be loads of them but it should be enough to find something you like.

I watched those videos several times a day and I find them very calming. I switched the sound of to focus on the image entirely but you may like it with the sound on. I do admit, every time I stopped watching, the feeling of dread came back very quickly but after watching them several times I feel much better now. Still not 100%, and I guess that may take time, but I’m much better than I was.

The unusual thing is, since I started blogging about my emotions, I sometimes see flashbacks of text im my head that describe the situation that I am in, or that, possibly I want to be in. That helps me understand how I feel. The text is very short and it looks like if it was printed. Today, shortly after I woke up I saw ‘happy endings’ in my head and I think this is a positive sign.