I miss John, terribly

I started feeling better on lamotrigine already but for around a week now my depression seems to be coming back. I didn’t see John last weekend and I won’t see him this weekend either. Can someone explain to me how it is possible that I miss him so badly but at the same time it feels like I don’t even have energy to take a shower to get ready for our date?

I’m going to work tomorrow, after being off for 3 days, so will have to have a shower before I go to sleep anyway, but I won’t take it any sooner.

I also have to pick up my meds from the pharmacy that is only 5 minutes walk from my flat. That also seems like too much effort. It’s 8.40am and I didn’t have my breakfast yet, even though I woke up at 6.30am.

This is probably the worst depression that I ever had; except this one I experienced after I withdrawn my employment tribunal claim against Home Group. But I somehow see this one as worse because a) it seems as it appeared out of nowhere; there is absolutely no reason for it b) it’s happening now.

I have to go and collect those meds. Lamotrigine dose will go up on Monday. Hopefully that will make me feel better for good.

I did say my depression doesn’t have any reason, but I do miss my late mum. When she passed away I didn’t grieve at all; I remember that I went on a trip to Oxford just a few days after. Only later on I really realised I will never speak with her again.

I never really wanted to have children, although I used to always say that if I got pregnant I wouldn’t get an abortion. But I didn’t get pregnant and now, at 45, I’m not only childless but also familyless. I only have John, and yet, I can’t make myself to meet him.

He said he missed me too.

Bless him.

I love his tight hugs. I would ideally like if he come over and tolerate me as I am. Unshowered and with hair in a mess. I don’t like that depression limits my life like that.

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