Starting from scratch is not always the answer

I am unhappy a lot lately. I am unhappy possibly because I’m going through depressive episode but if I want to argue I could say I have things to be unhappy about: I don’t have family.

I never really wanted children, my parents passed away a while ago and my brother is an alcoholic. I rarely see John, my fiancé, but usually it’s me who cancels or makes the visit shorter. I have almost no friends.

But in terms of finances I’m lucky: I have my own two bedroom flat with the mortgage already paid of and I have savings; enough to not be eligible for univesal credit. So it’s not all doom and gloom, you know? Yet, I’m unhappy.

So what my autistic brain come up with is that I have to start over: I have to sell my flat and move somewhere; possibly to another country, somewhere far away like Australia. I somehow believe that I’d find a friends there, maybe even family, especially if I don’t buy a flat.

Is that not what we do in real life? If you burn your toast you make another one and watch it more closely. If you try a dress in a shop and it doesn’t fit you get a different size. Quick solutions to everyday problems are available everywhere so it makes sense to my autistic brain to look for one to get rid of unhappiness.

But logically I know moving abroad for this reason is nonsense. So I stay where I am but I’m even more unhappy as a result because I’m not allowing myself to act on my instinct.

I will see my psychiatrist in two weeks time; it sounds like a long wait. Hopefully he will come up with medication regime that will solve this unhappiness problem.

Or maybe I really need to move? What do you think? I already contacted one of those companies that buy any house and can finalise a contract within a week. Their offer wasn’t great but I could be free to go absolutely anywhere in a couple of days. No, I’m not going to do that. But maybe?

It’s almost 8am and I didn’t have coffee yet. I’m drinking water now as it’s much quicker to prepare.

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