It’s Easter Sunday. It was just yesterday when I post that I’d like John to come over for a bit longer than a few hours but I don’t want to put him in a situation where he has to change his plans. Today I want to cancel: I feel depressed again.

Good weather turned out to be temporary fix.

My appointment with psychiatrist is in just over two weeks. I want to ask to try lamotrigine which is a mood stabiliser that mostly works on depression spectrum of bipolar. I want to continue taking olanzapine which is there to help with mania, but it seems that it’s also reducing some depression symptoms, I mean I don’t feel hopeless or sad, just slightly anxious and extremely low on motivation, to the point that I sometimes only have three drinks between 6am when I usually wake up and 6pm. Sometimes I even skip meals due to depression, but not that often.

It’s 7.30am; John is supposed to come over in 3 hours. I don’t want him to see me like that. I still have to take a shower, wash my hair and wear one of my dresses. I put the heating on to make everything more bearable.

I realised recently that when I used to send those emails to Home Group last year it was because I was maniac or at least hypo maniac. That wasn’t very elegant, was it? I keep wondering if I should remove posts about it but then my blog is meant to record how I, an autistic person thinks.

An autistic person with bipolar disorder. It really only happened recently that I accepted I have bipolar. Before that I used to think that doctors made a mistake.

Roll on evening. I want this day to end.