It’s almost Easter. John is coming over tomorrow but only for a couple of hours as I don’t feel very well mentally. Or possibly I should have said I didn’t feel very well till just a few days ago. I was depressed, but not hopeless and sad; it was very strange because my mood was actually not too bad, it was only my motivation that was really low. So low that for a couple of days I’d not even make myself a drink when I was thirsty and usually by 6pm I only had three drinks. I’d spend the entire day on my sofa with my eyes closed and didn’t even feel like scrolling through Facebook.

Now I’m much better. I think it’s the good weather that helps. But me and John already agreed this is what we are doing; he planned his meals and I don’t feel like it’s fair to ask him to come any earlier or stay a bit longer. I don’t feel I can ask him to change his plans.

I don’t work at the moment; I handed in my notice at the end of February; I had an offer of another job but that didn’t turn out as planned and now I need to find something else. So I don’t even have colleagues to entertain me.

Can intention shape our lives?

When I was a little girl and I saw how badly my dad’s mental health problems affected our family, I promised to myself that I’d never allow myself to be so close with a man that he can ruin my life this way.

But I was in a close relationship; wasn’t I? We lived together. Yes, but it ended. Now I live on my own and spend more time alone that I’d like to. How did that happen?

The fact that I am autistic doesn’t mean I want to be alone all the time.

A few weeks ago I started emailing a man I met on Global Penfriends. Initially I signed up there to make friends with females but no female responded to my messages so I tried and emailed a man. And that’s what happened. He is a few years older and lives two hours drive away, too far to regularly meet up, a bit far to meet once because why would we do that? It’s always a bit tricky to be friends with a man.

I feel like I want to have a family. I never felt like that when my mum was still alive and now it’s too late, isn’t it? Life tricked me into thinking that I’ll be alright by myself. Well, I’m coping but I could be better.