It’s almost Easter. John is coming over tomorrow but only for a couple of hours as I don’t feel very well mentally. Or possibly I should have said I didn’t feel very well till just a few days ago. I was depressed, but not hopeless and sad; it was very strange because my mood was actually not too bad, it was only my motivation that was really low. So low that for a couple of days I’d not even make myself a drink when I was thirsty and usually by 6pm I only had three drinks. I’d spend the entire day on my sofa with my eyes closed and didn’t even feel like scrolling through Facebook.

Now I’m much better. I think it’s the good weather that helps. But me and John already agreed this is what we are doing; he planned his meals and I don’t feel like it’s fair to ask him to come any earlier or stay a bit longer. I don’t feel I can ask him to change his plans.

I don’t work at the moment; I handed in my notice at the end of February; I had an offer of another job but that didn’t turn out as planned and now I need to find something else. So I don’t even have colleagues to entertain me.

Can intention shape our lives?

When I was a little girl and I saw how badly my dad’s mental health problems affected our family, I promised to myself that I’d never allow myself to be so close with a man that he can ruin my life this way.

But I was in a close relationship; wasn’t I? We lived together. Yes, but it ended. Now I live on my own and spend more time alone that I’d like to. How did that happen?

The fact that I am autistic doesn’t mean I want to be alone all the time.

A few weeks ago I started emailing a man I met on Global Penfriends. Initially I signed up there to make friends with females but no female responded to my messages so I tried and emailed a man. And that’s what happened. He is a few years older and lives two hours drive away, too far to regularly meet up, a bit far to meet once because why would we do that? It’s always a bit tricky to be friends with a man.

Life tricked me into thinking that I’ll be alright by myself and now I don’t know what to do about that.