I was in Poland and mum was with me. She was able to walk and speak normally. I don’t know how I found her but at some point I started wondering how come she’s alive and where she actually lives if I cancelled her care home payments. Then neighbours then started giving me various hints and I came to a conclusion that my mum moved herself back to the government care home and used that to simulate her death because she wanted to check if I love her. What didn’t add up was that if I thought she’s dead I wouldn’t be making an effort to visit her but, as mum wasn’t very logical at best of times, I accepted that explanation. When I woke up it was merely 23.30 and I was worried that, after sleeping like 11h the previous night, I won’t be able to get more sleep, but I was fine.

Then I had another strange dream (are dreams ever normal?), I was talking part in a reality show and I won, together with a male contestant. We then found out that we can go on holiday to Hawaii under the condition that we get married and the trip will be our honeymoon. We agreed and arranged a wedding and then, while at the airport, queueing to check in, I realised I can’t go as I have no valid passport, so my husband went on his own. Unfortunately my bags, including cabin bag, have been already checked in and I had no access to them. So not only I didn’t go to Hawaii, but I also lost my debit card, mobile, tablet and some of my favourite clothes, and I was married to a total stranger. It was not fun at all.

It’s strange to me that although I have aphantasia (inability to create mental images) my dreams can be so vivid sometimes, with intense colours and movement. I don’t have dreams as often now as when I was younger though.

I feel really strange since yesterday because taking olanzapine on the first day of me thinking obsessively about having my own radio show not only prevented me from going hyper but also from the subsequent crash. After the crash I can never come back to working on the idea I had before I crashed. It just stops being interesting to me, and I wonder now if I see the crush as a punishment for having the idea in the first place?

Now however, when I didn’t experience the crash, I can still think about me having my own radio show and I wonder what I have to do to make it work for me. That makes me wonder that possibly I really need to have access to medication, not only to prevent me from going psychotic but to prevent those crashes – which would then mean that I need meds for my autism symptoms. And unfortunately, if I didn’t have history of psychosis I’d not be given access to olanzapine. I could maybe get zopiclone, which can be good with stress inducted insomnia but when I’m hyper it doesn’t work that well, and also it doesn’t calm down my thoughts the next day, so I could still experience the crash.

The idea that I have no control over my own brain is quite sad to me. I mean, I told myself that I’d be doing Sleep School meditation every day, but as I started sleeping well again, I took a break, so I still don’t know how much of an improvement I can expect from it.

I watched Melanie Sykes online yesterday, she’s UK TV and radio presenter and she has been diagnosed autistic last year at the age of 51. As I don’t watch TV I wasn’t aware who she was when I heard about her diagnosis. So when I watched her yesterday I was really surprised how much more expressive she is with her body language and face expressions than other presenters. I wouldn’t know if her face expressions are matching the situation but I’d certainly never think she’s autistic – quite the opposite, I’d think she’s a social butterfly. I wonder how much effort she’s putting in masking like that? And if she finds it exhausting? She never mentioned that while speaking about her autism diagnosis, but from what I know, sometimes masking can make us feel accomplished. Should we stop doing it then?

However, not knowing that we’re autistic and that we’re masking make also cause us to believe that we’re ‘better’ than other people. Better at performing, I mean. And that’s not very cool.