I don’t really know how that happened. I was watching a film online that had some abstract art featured and I felt like I want to do a few new patterns, but that didn’t work very well and I started worrying about how I’m going to cope with life now, when mum is no longer around. I don’t know if I started worrying first or if the problem with patterns came first, but I think my anxiety has something to do with not having permanent job and the fact that, although I told my agency that I’m ready to go back to work next week, I didn’t get any shifts.
The awareness that there’s no one to really support me if I get worse is really draining.
The last time I had anxiety attack was in September, so it’s not like I’m having them very often but they’re not completely gone. Before I started working for Home Group I didn’t have them at all. I don’t know what is causing them exactly. Stress seems to be an obvious trigger but I wasn’t stressed today. I had a quiet day, slightly on the boring side and I’m now wondering if it’s possible that it’s the boredom that has done that, the removal of external stimuli that made me feel like I cannot cope. My life was so simple today and I didn’t feel perfect so how I’m going to feel if I face any challenges – that is the kind of thinking that could make me unwell.
Yet, there seems to be a lot of talk in autistic community that removing challenges is what is going to make us feel better.
I’m on my sofa, resting and waiting for the anxiety to go away. It’s 7.30pm. I happily go to sleep as soon as it gets dark.
It’s an irony to me that although my life seems to be better the last couple of months, with the blog giving outlet to my creativity and allowing me to be myself, and volunteering on the radio gives me excitement and hope for something even better, my mental health is still not perfect. And it probably never will be, I guess this is just someone who I am.