Playing ‘the cute one’

Yesterday event went well and it tuned out that deciding not to practice my speech was a good choice – I was going to talk about my life so I knew what I wanted to say. If I tried to practice I’d get fixated on using the exact the same words. Not practicing allowed me to be flexible with the choice of words and I didn’t even have to use my bullet points (that would also cause me to fixate).

I got a bit confused as my name wasn’t on the program so I didn’t know if I’d be actually speaking or not, and if yes, then when. But then that was probably a good thing as at some point microphone started playing up and it got really loud so I left to another room. It’s a bit ironic that I couldn’t fully participate in a disability event due to my disability, but I guess that’s what happens sometimes.

I didn’t want to clarify with anyone if I’m expected to speak as I was conscious that could look like I’m forcing everyone to give me attention when there were like 15 other speakers there so I decided to just relax and see how things go and at some point another volunteer came and asked me to come back for my speech. This way it turned out I was the last one to speak and I later had that idea that if I take part in similar events later I could request as adjustments that I’m allowed to sit in a quiet place and someone needs to call me when it’s my turn, instead of exposing myself to all that noise.

I also realised that during the event I was exposed to more noise than when I saw my job coach in a food court the day before, and yet, although uncomfortable, I wasn’t on the edge of a meltdown – but I had very little one to one interaction. So that would suggest that I can either cope with one to one interaction or with noise, but I need to avoid both at the same time. That is always good to know.

When I came back for my speech and was given the microphone I immediately felt like I stopped playing an introvert and started playing ‘the cute one’, I don’t know if that shows on the video and how people perceived it, but that’s how it felt to me. I think I must have learned that in childhood, you know, when a child makes a cute face and everyone gives them attention and say how sweet they are. Which would classify as a reward and therefore could be compared to ABA therapy. I guess neurotypical children learn other age appropriate ways of getting attention as they grow up but I didn’t and I’ll probably be stuck with that to the end of my life.

When I got home I felt very accomplished and came up with an idea that I want to have my own proper program on the radio. Not prerecorded pieces from my blog, but an hour long show with guests where we will be discussing… life. That’s what I do on my blog – I discuss my thoughts and feelings and sometimes wonder if neurotypical people experience things differently, so that could be what I’d do on the show: I could invite guests and we could both discuss our thoughts and feelings on the radio. I was so excited about that idea that I had to take olanzapine to be able to sleep. It is really annoying that I can’t relax easily. I wonder whether, if I really keep practicing Sleep School meditation every day (like I said I would) things would get better. I keep saying that I want my life to be more exciting but when I get excited I can’t cope.

I ended up sleeping till noon today, which again is probably going to interfere with my sleep tonight. I also feel a bit deflated today, like a balloon that lost all the air. It doesn’t seem to me now like I will be able to run my own show, and also I keep thinking about all the situations from the past when I had an idea to do something but I needed other people on board to succeed and not only no one wanted to join me, but also I ended up alienating them. That is why I thought I’m bipolar, but since I started blogging I don’t have those feelings – blog really help as I don’t need other people to be able to post (although their actions are often what I blog about), but I somehow feel now like I want something more and I am aware I may end up in the same situation again, when I get rejected at the end.

I guess all my problems come from the fact that my special interest are people. If I was focused on trains things would be so much easier.

3 responses to “Playing ‘the cute one’”

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