No, this is not about blocking people on social media, although obviously some may really deserve it. The above is a link to my post from a few days ago when I realised that I stopped feeling different and started feeling like if I was in fact the same like other people.
This doesn’t mean that my autism has been cured, only that my perception changed. That post contains a link to another post from a few weeks ago where I described a situation that made me realise on a deep level that other people have experience similar to mine. This is, again, not to say that I thought they don’t; I’m fully aware, on a logical level, that other people have problems at work, worry about their aging parents, going through bereavement, and so on. Yet, because I always felt different I somehow assumed that others don’t have the same emotions that I do. That, let’s say I knew I’d feel sad if I experienced certain event, and yet, I assumed other people wouldn’t feel sad in the same situation; how could they, if we are different?
In a lot of situations I desperately wanted to connect with people but my perception that I am different was getting in the way and what I was doing was, I was ‘blocking’ people on a deep emotional level, while at the same time I performed actions that were meant to connect us, like chatting, making jokes, smiling, but it all felt really bad to me, artificial; like if real me had to be hidden while the person who’s performing those actions was a pupet that the real me was operating.
Since I realised I’m autistic and I decided to mask less the feeling of being a pupet disappeared but the feeling of blocking people was still with me. It was the worst when I was with women. I could talk with them for a few minutes only and then I felt like I want to block them, so instead of pretending I chose to withdraw.
And now, what I just realised is, that I didn’t have that feeling at all when I was on the radio show. The show takes two hours and I was invited for the first hour, but at some point, during a music break, I was asked if I wanted to stay longer and I said I’d rather not. But when the first hour finished I realised that apart from the fact I was worried I wouldn’t have enough to say for that second hour I could actually stay. I remember being really surprised by that feeling but only now realised I felt this way because I didn’t want to ‘block’ those two ladies. I was allowing them to be themselves, and therefore I felt much better about me being myself.
It seems to me like, as the result of that experience, my whole perception of what I want from life may once again change. I even wonder if I still want to be the lived experience speaker? Maybe I didn’t even really want to be one and only saw that as a solution to the problem: I can’t connect with people in normal circumstances so if I’m on the stage talking about my experience it will be a situation where I can be myself, talk about how I feel, answer questions – but all from people who are distant to me, and I never have to reciprocate their attention. I possibly didn’t fully realise my motivation but I think that’s what it was.
Maybe going back to a regular job would be a better idea, now when I feel like I can be myself.
I just hope my perception of being the same like other people will always stay the same.
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