Well, I’m probably just being dramatic again, but then, I don’t know how else, for goodness sake, I am supposed to communicate with myself? And if I can’t communicate with myself, then how can I trust that I can communicate with other people? Yesterday I saw that post on Instagram by a fellow autistic Isabelladoautism ‘If I’m too much then go find less.’ I found it to be a very confident statement, though on the edge of being challenging. I commented on it and today we had a brief discussion about it.
Isabella said it’s not even confidence, it’s logic, if someone states we’re too much for them, they should find someone who is less. We should never shrink ourselves to make others happy. We should find people who enjoy our ‘too much’.
But my logic says something different: that we should shrink. Is that lack of confidence or possibly I am just logically trying to find a solution that is the quickest and the easiest to apply? And my autistic brain forgets to take into consideration the emotional consequences I will face as a result of that choice?
Anyway, I was thinking about why it’s so easy for me to blog and I finally realised it’s because I allowed my own thoughts to shine – they are the central part of the blog and, as I am trying to make other people understand how I think, as an autistic person, that makes my thoughts important. Therefore I have loads of them to share here.
But on the radio it’s different – I’m in my ‘shut up’ mode a lot. Everything seems inappropriate, I’m constantly trying to assess if I’m not going to offend somebody, and because I don’t really know, I just decide to keep my mind shut, just in case.
There was this situation yesterday on the show while one of the ladies asked me where I get my clothes from. Well, trousers are usually from M&S, their long range fits well enough, sometimes I even find out that regular lenth is better, even though I’m 5’11. Jumpers are often from H&M, and that’s fine because their junpers usually have long sleeves. But if I want a dress I need to shop online in tall range.
And the lady said yes, if I want it to be long then that’s probably the right choice, and I thought, why people don’t understand?
It’s not about how long the dress is, although I wouldn’t wear mini. It’s about where the waist is. Waist needs to be in the waist area, although obviously with some styles, like empire waist it doesn’t really matter. I remember, I had this conversation with a colleague (she wasn’t the nicest person to me in most situations), she seemed absolutely shocked that I can’t buy a regular dress and be happy with it. But the thing is, wearing a dress means it’s a special occasion, so I want to know that it fits really well. Also, because I don’t wear dresses on a regular day, I am even more aware of how I feel in it.
I remember how I thought at the time, why do I need to explain myself once again, about who I am? I really didn’t like that feeling. And yesterday on the radio I remembered that conversation and I quickly decided I’d better not say anything as I may either offend somebody or become too dramatic by recalling that encounter with a colleague in my mind so I just said ‘oh yes’.
And now I am like: is this going to be another place where I constantly censor myself? But then, what are my options? Is saying everything that comes to my mind ok? It is different here, because this is my own space (well, I still censor sometimes).
But then, if I present myself in a certain way and get invited somewhere, then possibly this is because people want to hear the same kind of thoughts that I discuss here, not something muted and lifeless.
But then, how do I know if I’m not too much at times? I don’t understand.
Possibly I should quit? Yes, life will be boring, but that constant state of second-guessing myself is not helping my mental health.