I coped on the show but I feel feel crap

Image added on 23rd of April 2022

So, how the show worked was that we briefly discussed a subject when the music was playing and then repeated the same thing but in a more animated way when we were live. It looked like masking to me. It’s very funny because if I didn’t know much about autism I’d assume this is what I do the entire day with people so I have loads of experience, therefore I’d be ok to run my own show. Now I am aware that running a radio show is not about masking, even if that’s how I see it from my autistic perspective. But the problem is also that, as I am aware that I don’t always get things correctly, I doubt my judgement a lot. Possibly I could be good running my own, niche show, but how I am supposed to know that? Instead I’d keep explaining to myself that things are not how I see them, but that doesn’t make me understand them any better.

How I am supposed to feel confident then? My understanding is that confidence comes from the ability to trust one’s judgement, and I never had that experience, apart maybe when I was like eight.

I am quite low in general too, wondering how I’m going to cope without my mum. It almost feels to me like I shouldn’t have any progress when mum is no longer here. But I’m also wondering if me feeling low and overwhelmed is not type of a meltdown.

After the show I was asked to prepare a short piece about Queen Elizabeth for her birthday tomorrow and, although it went quite smoothly, it was still something to do and also, as the piece will get broadcast tomorrow, I had to say that the birthday is today. Silly thing it seems, but I felt my body tense up while saying that. I am asking myself now, how I’m supposed to live with such a strange issue? I can’t put my life on hold and give up on everything that is important to me only because I can’t say ‘today’ today so that it could be broadcast tomorrow, or on any other day, whenever ‘today’ is.

After the radio I run to meet my job coach and we had a bit of a chat, which was nice. She’s very supportive of my radio volunteering. The meeting wasn’t very long at all but I already felt overwhelmed with everything that happened. The thing is that when I’m with people I appear totally fine, and only then, when I come back home I feel like I had enough. But if I had to be out longer and do even more social contact, I know that I’d cope with that too; I’d just feel even more fed up after coming back home.

And the problem about being me is that I want the social contact. I certainly wouldn’t want to be someone who just sits in the corner and plays with numbers, I want to talk to people, I want to be included and I want to have an impact.

It is said that autistic meltdown is when we behave in uncontrollable ways, often screaming at people that we are close with. I’m on my own now but it certainly feels like screaming could actually make some sense.

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