As you may remember (or not, if you just started reading my blog) after a period of being unemployed for a few months (I did some temporary jobs during that time) I had my job induction on 19th of January. The next day my mum passed away. I tried to work for the first month and at first actually felt OK, but after a while I started being emotional so I am off sick with bereavement since 21nd of February. I thought that time would be enough for me to put myself back together, but then on the 24th Putin attacked Ukraine and due to it being a neighbouring country to Poland, I am really worried. I am worried about my own homeland of course but even more about people of Ukraine, their safety and the impact of war on their mental health long term.
So I didn’t have much time to recover at all. There was that time that I was in bed all day, every day and only came out if I run out of basic food items. That is over now, I go out every day, I started my volunteering in the radio and I blog, but emotionally I still feel like a mess. And I have absolutely no idea what to do about that.
It seems to me like I should go back to work – only because that’s what I always did. My understanding is that I should work unless I am really, really sick. If I call in sick when I’m moderately sick, this is only because I feel like my effort is not being appreciated by the management. So I feel really uncomfortable thinking about extending my sick note now. I know that if I work as a cleaner, I’d be ok to carry on. But I don’t work as a cleaner – I take care of people. I have to be mentally fit. And it’s so difficult for me to put myself first, even though similar thinking cost me my job a year ago.
In the morning I went to my surgery’s website and the link to request a sick note wasn’t working. And my first reaction was to tell the agency that I want to be back. Only because the link wasn’t working, which for me was like a notification. Those bloody notifications again! But thank god, I managed to explain to myself that I have to use my thinking to assess the situation and not just react to what is happening in the environment.
One of my friend who, we suspect, is also autistic, told me that she felt manipulated a lot recently and made some big decisions that weren’t good for her, and I think, possibly no one really manipulated her, or at least not to the extent she believes – she was just replying to notifications instead of making an effort to make choices that are good for her.
And thinking is not easy for us in times of stress, and when loads is happening, I admit that. But possibly we need to learn.