I’m not really sure how that happened. I remember how, several days ago, I decided I will be posting every day. I mean, I was posting fairly regularly already but from time to time, when I felt there are things happening in my life that I don’t want to post about, I wouldn’t post about anything at all, and it could sometimes be a week without a post.
I guess I am a prolific blogger anyway but it could, I suppose, look like I’m abandoning a blog, even if that wasn’t my intention. So I thought I’d really make an effort to post every day at least once. And then, what happened was, I stopped prioritising which subject is more and which is less interesting – which I guess could be a good thing. After all, my intention is to record my thoughts, and also I am unable to predict what other people will find interesting.
And then, what happened yesterday, when I was writing the second post about attachment styles and autism, was, I felt very strong fear that I will get attached to somebody and this man will get ill and that will create real drama in my life. Which is exactly what happened to my mum!
The fear appeared exactly as I pressed ‘Publish’, it lasted for several minutes and it was very strong. I got very concerned about that and I thought that I misled my readers with that post, and also, that I misled myself.
So, at the end I deleted that post and a couple of others. I really felt like a fraud. I also thought that possibly what I wrote didn’t make any sense, as I wasn’t prioritising while writing them.
If I have to be honest, I really do not know how I feel about relationships and, if my insecure attachment style is part of autism or is caused by childhood trauma or possibly a bit of both. But what happened yesterday reminds me of my early experience of trying to form my first serious relationship. He was my good friend for a few years and we got on very well as friends. As we decided to start dating I started sending him long emails about my emotions. I read in psychology magazines that couples should talk about emotions as that is what creates a bond.
But the problem was, I wasn’t really sure what I was feeling, or at least I couldn’t find words to describe it, which I now know is common for autistic people. But, as I didn’t know I was autistic, I thought I just had to try harder. I had those brief thoughts passing through my head about our relationship, or an ideal relationship that I’d like to have and I would grab one and use it as a prompt to write an essay about emotions. Those were not my emotions, it was all mostly made up, but as I was writing about them, I started feeling them. The betrayal, the disappointment, the loneliness – I felt it all while writing.
And I think that, possibly, that was one of the reasons why our relationship didn’t last. Because every time when I got disappointed with my partner it was so easy for me to tap into the initial drama I created writing those emails. I thought that writing them will prevent certain situations from happening while at the same time I thought that we’ll get closer. That’s what the magazine said – to talk about emotions, right? It didn’t say that focusing on negative ones will cause both of us to feel bad. I think negative emotions were just easier to write about for me because they are described much more often than positive ones.
So what I am trying to say here is, that, possibly, trying to get us to learn to recognise emotions by talking about them is not a good approach? Who knows, possibly other autistic people would do the same thing: they would talk themselves into feeling emotions just to pass this task.
And, anyway, do we really need to name our emotions in order to know what we feel? I am fully aware how I feel when I feel it and putting a label on it doesn’t change anything.
Anyway, I had a look today on those deleted posts and I thought they’re not bad, so I brought them all back. Including this one about Home Group lawyer, Mr Scope. Oh well, it’s just me, I suppose.